Ladies, we need to talk - it’s time to speak up and ask for what you need in bed—here’s how
By Paulette Stout
Picture this: you’re at a banquet. Guests smack their lips as they devour the delicacies. Scrumptious trays pass under your nose, scents sending your mouth watering. You need only ask, and the feast is yours. But you’re afraid. Which would you like? What are the dishes called? You sit in confused, frustrated silence as everyone else dines away. Sad right? Yet, this is exactly what women experience every day—in their bedrooms. We go hungry while our partners feast. Well, I call B-S on that! It’s time we pull up to the table, grab two forks, and dig in!
Find Your Bedroom Voice
Think I’m exaggerating? Don’t. Research shows only 33% of heterosexual women regularly experience orgasms during sex. The men? They’re clipping along at 75%. Our LGBTQ+ friends fare far better. Why? Most gals won’t orgasm during sex without additional, direct stimulation, stimulation hetero gals are just not getting from their partners. Our sex engine, the clitoris, needs attention for us to feel those wonderful sensations. But that will only happen if we speak up.
Stop Pretending It’s Okay
Let’s be honest. Our partners may not even realize they need to step up. We’ve let them off the hook, saying we’re fine when we’re so totally not fine. And how could we be? Orgasms are ridiculously amazing. So amazing that’s all guys think about. Gals who climax, well, they’re thinking about orgasms all the time, too. Hard not to. Now, we need more gals wanting in on that action, or at least, feeling curious enough to want to know what all the fuss is about.
Seven Tips to Consider
So where do you begin? How do you talk to your partner about deeper sexual engagement that leaves you a blissful puddle of mush? Here are seven things to consider:
- Speak your truth. Start by gently explaining that you need more in bed. Sex is just not satisfying for you, and you hope that in exploring it together, it’ll be way more satisfying for both of you.
- Skip the blame. You are where you are, so make a fresh start. Your partner fell flat, but you didn’t ask for more, so it’s a wash.
- Get specific. Explain that you need more foreplay, foreplay that includes direct stimulation of your clitoris. Get creative—hands, fingers, mouth, toys. The options are endless, but your pink pearl needs attention.
- Gear up. Gather whatever supplies or toys you need and have them ready in advance. Need lube? Get it. Need batteries? Plan ahead. Don’t let lousy logistics undermine the first of what should be many awesome nights-to-remember.
- Let it build. Take your time and lead up to the main event. It can start at dinner, out on the town. The mating dance can be as long as you want. Anticipation will only heighten the experience. And once in bed, take your time.
- Lose the distractions. Find a private space where you won’t be interrupted (unless that’s your turn-on). Turn off your phone, get a sitter, feed the fish, water the plants; whatever you need to do, get it done and out of the way so your mind is clear.
- Experiment. You’re learning what you want, and your partner is learning how to please you. Let exploration bond you together and become part of the experience.
Make It Timeless
Your sexual awakening should be for a lifetime. The behaviors you change will take time to improve. Yes, you’re learning new skills here, and Rome wasn’t built in a night. If your first encounter falls flat, keep trying. You’re learning what you like so you can guide your partner in the right direction. Don’t expect to have all the answers, and your partner shouldn’t expect you to—or feel bad if they don’t either. But, if you are tender, attentive, learn together and ask for what you want at every step of the way, you’ll quickly learn what all the fuss is about. You’ll not only be feasting, you’ll be knocking diners out of the way to get to the buffet. You can thank me later.
Paulette Stout is the fearless author of Love, Only Better, a contemporary novel and bedroom rallying cry for women everywhere.
Born in Manhattan, Paulette is the gold-star wordsmith and owner of her content marketing agency, Media Goddess Inc., where she crafts content for her list of global clients. Prior to MGI, Paulette led content and design teams at several tech companies, and one educational publisher where her elimination of the Oxford comma caused a near riot.
Paulette’s prior career as a media buyer/planner in New York earned her three industry awards, including a MediaWeek All-Star. She earned her Bachelor’s Degree in Communications from Cornell University and her MBA in Marketing from the Lubin School of Business, Pace University.
You can usually find Paulette rearranging words into pleasing patterns while wearing grammar t-shirts.
Website and Social Media:
https://www.paulettestout.com/
Twitter: @stoutcontent
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