By Jan Winhall, MS, RSW, FOT, author of Treating Trauma and Addiction with the Felt Sense Polyvagal Model: A Bottom-Up Approach
Pandemic life keeps teaching us lessons. One that stands out for me is the impact the pandemic has had on the mental health of children. A study recently found that 70% of school-aged children and 66% of preschoolers have reported a deterioration in their mental health (1). Parents are seeking help for their children.
So, what are we missing? Why is it that the most vulnerable people in our society, our little ones, are floundering? We are not addressing stress where it lives, in our bodies. Our cognitive behavioural approach to mental health shows that our culture glorifies the mind. Now, with covid, we can no longer deny the body. Our bodies know what we need. But we can only access this information if we listen to them.
The Felt Sense Polyvagal Model (FSPM) offers a fresh approach to parenting. It does so by paying attention to our autonomic nervous system (ANS), the part of our body that watches out for our safety. Then we connect with our intuition, our bodies’ Felt Sense. This process helps us to access a C.A.L.M. approach.
How To Stay C.A.L.M.
C: Co-Regulation – Find a calm source of strength in yourself, as this will help your child stay calmer.
Have regular family meetings and teach your children the 6 F’s. When you learn how to ground yourself you can co-regulate with your children and calm them down. You can start at breakfast by checking in with everyone to see where they are at. Follow up at dinner to reconnect. Pretty soon your family will become very skilled at reading their own F state, and yours!
A: Ask Your Child what's happening inside their bodies - how do they feel? And then trace their ANS using the FSPM.
Ask your kids to close their eyes and bring their attention down into the centre of their body, Help them to connect with their ANS and identify the F state. Once you have the F state you can start to explore the Felt Sense, the body intuition. Gently ask, “How are you inside today? How are you feeling in your body? Are you sad? Scared? Angry? Confused? Lonely?
This helps them to connect their F state with their Felt Sense.
They might say, “I feel butterflies in my stomach when I think of going back to school. I feel Flight/fight, and it’s a rolling around feeling in my tummy. As they explore their Felt Sense, you can ask them to find a word to name it. They can draw their felt sense on a piece of paper that has an outline of a body shape. You can join them in this activity and share together.
Help them shift to Flock from Flight/Fight by asking, “Can you find a time when you felt safe and cozy?” They can draw the Felt Sense of safety. You can save these drawings and use them as visual cues for safety and calm. They can take the drawing to school with them, or imagine it when they feel Flight/Fight.
L: Listen to Your Own Felt Sense as a parent, about what you feel is happening with your child. Very important to notice changes in them.
Listening to your own Felt Sense is key to connecting and noticing changes in your family ANS. Teenagers are highly susceptible to falling into Freeze states and sometimes developing addictive behaviors to manage the stuck place in the ANS. By listening and trusting your own body you are more present to create a state of Flock.
You can practice learning about your own nervous system and then teach the different states to your children. There are 6 states that I call the 6 F’s to make it simple for kids to learn.
Flock is the safe and calm state that comes when we flock together to find comfort and connection with each other. We are able to think clearly and solve our problems in a grounded way. Our children thrive at school when they are in flock.
Flo is a quiet, calm place in the body where we are safe to be still. Cuddling, sleeping, Felt Sensing, can all be Flo states that include Flock.
Fun is lively, creative and connecting. It includes the safety of Flock.
Flight/Fight is that anxious, squiggly, butterfly state in the body. Our ANS mobilizes to protect us. Children often notice it in their tummy, especially now when they are returning to school. It can also be an angry feeling. Temper tantrums happen here.
Freeze is where we get stuck and can fall into addictive patterns. It’s very important to notice if our kids are falling into bad habits to escape.
Fold is the state that shows up when we feel there is no escape, and the other states can’t help us. Children appear lost and hard to reach. They fold into themselves with increased risk of depression and suicide.
M: Maintain Daily Practices together: Felt Sensing, daily check-ins with ANS.
Maintaining your daily check-ins with your family builds your child’s resilience.
Practicing C.A.L.M. enables your family to stay connected to themselves and each other. Life is increasingly challenging. Connection is the pathway to a safer and more compassionate world, a world in which our children can thrive.
It’s hard as a parent to ask your children how they are feeling, when you don’t have effective ways to help them. Our culture hasn’t taught us how to deal with uncomfortable feelings. And none of us ever imagined that we would have to deal with a pandemic. But children need our help, especially now, to deal directly with the stress that they are encountering. C.A.L.M. provides a safe and effective way to build confidence in your capacity to teach your child, and yourself, how to cope with stress. Together you and your family can experience a greater sense of wellbeing and happiness.
Cost et al. European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry February 26, 2021
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