Book Nook: Raising LGBTQ+ Allies

 After Chris Tompkins had been out of the closet for almost 15 years—and dedicated his life to LGBTQ advocacy work—his 6-year-old nephew, David, asked if the woman next to him at a family function was his girlfriend. Chris wondered, how could he not know that I was gay? So, in 2015, he wrote his family a letter to address a conversation he realized they weren’t having.

Raising LGBTQ Allies, by Chris Tompkins, started as this letter,  and that letter became an article first published on HuffPost titled “Messages From the Playground: Healing Homophobia Before it Begins and Preventing Bullying Before it Starts,” a TEDx talk, a workshop, and a presentation that led to Chris working at Los Angeles Central Juvenile Hall to help support LGBTQ incarcerated youth.

I had a chance to review a copy of this book, and it can be a good resource for anyone who is wondering how to encourage kids (or even adults) in their lives to be more than just kind or tolerant - to really be allies.

This is an important issue. People from all backgrounds, cultures, and religion identify as members of the LGBTQ community. They deserve equal treatment, support, and care the same as anyone else. This book clearly lays out how people can become allies and support not just the LGBTQ people they know, but those who may still not be out, providing a safe space for everyone.

I had a chance to interview the author to learn more.

Why did you decide to write this book?

The journey of Raising LGBTQ Allies began originally as a letter I wrote my family to prevent homophobia, transphobia, and bullying before they begin.

That letter became an article first published on HuffPost, a TEDx talk, a workshop, and a presentation that led to me working at Los Angeles Central Juvenile Hall to help support LGBTQ incarcerated youth.

Additionally, after six years of teaching social-emotional learning and having to rewrite curriculum to incorporate LGBTQ-related classroom examples, I wrote a book that will not only help families raise LGBTQ allies, but it does so using a social-emotional framework.

I also wrote my book to help explore the damaging effects of internalized oppression. Something not openly talked about or widely addressed in the LGBTQ community is how internalized queerphobia affects us. We cannot talk about homophobia, transphobia, or queerphobia, without addressing internalized queerphobia. No matter our gender or sexuality, each person in the LGBTQ community experiences internalized queerphobia to a certain degree living in a heteronormative world.

Everything we hear, see, and perceive, whether it’s at home, in the media, on the playground, or from a non-affirming religion, can seep inside. Left unaddressed, it can negatively affect our life, our choices, and our children.

Ultimately, I wrote Raising LGBTQ Allies to help parents, caregivers, and teachers understand that the argument is no longer around whether being LGBTQ is a choice; the argument is around whether to affirm, embrace, love, and celebrate the life of a child.

Why is it important for families to raise children that are allies of the LGBTQ community?

Although the LGBTQ community has never had more visibility, we live in a heteronormative world, and among lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer youth, addiction, suicide, and homelessness are at an all-time high. What’s more, beneath heteronormativity is buried homophobia and transphobia.

Each of us has the ability to bring so much goodness to a young person’s life. It starts by having systems in place at home, in schools, and on playgrounds to not only empower youth but also prevent LGBTQ bullying. Which includes proactively having conversations with young people and consciously raising LGBTQ allies.

Why do families need to go beyond just telling kids to “be nice” or “be fair?”

Unfortunately, it’s not enough to tell children to “be nice” or “be fair.” While I believe being nice and being fair are important values that I wish more parents and caregivers could instill in their children, we live in a homophobic and transphobic society. What’s more, heteronormativity (the attitude that heterosexuality is the only normal and natural expression of sexuality) is pervasive. It’s conscious and it’s unconscious. It’s in the water we drink and it’s in the air we breathe.

Having open and honest conversations with young people can feel really scary sometimes…for many reasons. Sometimes it’s because we don’t know what to say. Other times it’s because we don’t want to get it wrong or say something that could be offensive. The world is changing at a rapid pace and it can feel overwhelming, especially as parents, to keep up with everything. One of the best pieces of advice I give parents and caregivers is that when it comes to having conversations with young people—stay focused on keeping open, not on keeping up. 

 Chris Tompkins is a teacher, TEDx speaker, spiritual life coach, and LGBTQ inner-advocate based in Los Angeles, California. More importantly, he’s an uncle of five. Chris believes all kids are the future and teaches social-emotional learning throughout Southern California.