Men as Victims of Domestic Violence

 I recently had the chance to do an interview with Ann Silvers about men as victims of domestic violence.

Why are people often not aware of the full picture of domestic violence and abuse?

 

I wrote a blog post recently about 8 reasons why people tend to not recognize abuse OF men BY women:

 

1. Good/Bad Polarized Thinking
2. Fear That It Undermines Helping Abused Women
3. The Pendulum Has Swung Too Far
4. Attachment to Patriarchy as the Reason for DV
5. Belief That A Woman Can’t Hurt a Man
6. He Must Deserve It
7. Normalization of Women Abusing Men
8. Man Law

Some of these same blinding conditions exist when it comes to same-sex partner abuse. Additionally, the LGBTQ community has had some resistance to acknowledging the partner abuse they experience since there is so much animosity toward their community for just being LGBTQ.

 

 

Why is it important to be aware of the fact that people can be victims of domestic violence and abuse, regardless of gender?

 

Unfortunately, there is an empathy gap when it comes to caring about men and boys compared to caring about women and girls. There also is an empathy gap when it comes to caring about people who are LGBTQ.

 

Abuse is destructive to the people who are the targets of abuse no matter what their gender. It is also destructive to the people who are doing the abusing no matter what their gender. And, it is destructive to any children who witness the abuse no matter what the genders of the abusive/abused partners.

 

As a culture and individual members of society, when we pretend that some gender configurations of partner abuse aren’t happening, or that they don’t really hurt, or that they don’t matter, we help perpetuate the abuse and heap on another layer of abuse.

 

 

How can people support men who have been victims?

 

The number one way to help support men who are victims of abuse is to become educated about the realities of women abusing men.

 

As a counselor who had downplayed abuse OF men BY women myself until my eyes were opened by seeing a male friend be abused by his wife, I became frustrated by the lack of domestic abuse information that is anything other than men-are-perpetrators/women-are-victims. I realized that I had nowhere to send my male clients who were being abused, or women who were being abusive, because the genderized information would make it impossible for them to see themselves in the examples and would likely contribute to their confusion and denial. I wrote my book Abuse OF Men BY Women: It Happens, It Hurts, and It's Time to Get Real About It to try and fill the information void around the topic.

 

When a brother, father, son, or male friend comes to you with their stories of being abuse, it’s important to not just send them back into the arms of their abuser because of your blindness to the realities of how common and harmful abuse by women is.

 

Case in point: A man recently told me that his brother had come to him repeatedly over a number of years telling him that he was being physically abused by his wife. The man assumed his brother was exaggerating. He made light of his brother’s stories and sent him back to his wife each time, until the man finally witnessed the abuse first-hand. “It was really bad,” he said to me, and expressed a great deal of sadness and regret that he had not helped his brother earlier.

Ann Silvers, M.A., LMHC

Counselor, Relationship Coach & Author

Silverstream Unlimited, PLLC

Silvers Publishing, LLC

www.annsilvers.com