Advice from a Transgender Woman - Guest Post by Wynne Nowland
Each new season of parenting brings new challenges. For parents whose children are beginning to discover their sexuality, one of the greatest challenges is navigating what can be awkward conversations about our bodies, our feelings, and what is healthy and unhealthy.
When our children are questioning their sexual identity, conversations become more complex. Tensions in our culture have led to LGBTQ issues being confusing for parents and children alike. The journey toward a healthy understanding of sexual orientation and gender identity requires a lot of patience and a lot of support. A parent is the perfect partner to have on the journey.
Start the conversation early
Waiting for a child to bring it up is not the best approach when it comes to discussing LGBTQ issues. Starting early, before the conversation is necessary or urgent, allows parents and children time to take their time with the topic. It also gives a parent time to become comfortable with concepts that may be new and confusing.
Parents may want early conversations to orbit around the terms in the LGBTQ lexicon and their true meanings. Unfortunately, children may hear identity terms first applied with a negative connotation. Learning the truth together with a parent can help to dispel misunderstandings and quell fears.
Here are some key definitions that borrow language from a glossary of terms provided by The Human Rights Campaign:
- Asexual - Someone who has a complete or partial lack of sexual attraction.
- Bisexual - Someone who is emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to more than one sex, gender, or gender identity.
- Cisgender - Someone whose gender identity is the same as the sex assigned at birth.
- Gay - Someone who is emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to members of the same gender.
- Gender dysphoria - Distress resulting from a person’s birth gender being different from the gender with which they identify.
- Lesbian - A woman who is emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to other women.
- Transgender - Someone whose gender identity or gender expression is different from cultural expectations based on the sex assigned at birth.
Show your children sensitivity
Discussing LGBTQ issues may involve heightened anxiety because of the cultural climate surrounding them. Parents can help their kids to process their feelings in a healthy way by approaching the topic with the same sensitivity and support they would apply to any other important decisions their children are contemplating.
Regardless of a parent’s position on the topic, a healthy conversation will allow room for a child to express their thoughts without conflict. Parents who pursue understanding, even if they do not agree with a position, will be a better advocate for their children whatever the outcome of the conversation.
While a parent may have many thoughts to share, listening well will show your child that you care and are committed to helping. Making time that is free of distractions will communicate that you are present and interested. Try not to short circuit the conversation by blurting thoughts as they come to you; it may not be easy for your child to communicate what they have to say. When asking questions, make sure they are open ended and not rhetorical, then listen closely to responses.
Your child’s LGBTQ journey begins with feelings. Value those feelings. Dismissing them could drive your child to someone else for a discussion that might not include compassion and concern. If your child has already had an uncomfortable or scary experience as a result of their feelings, it may take time to unravel their emotions and arrive at a place where a healthy discussion can take place. Be patient and available for as long as it takes.
Be the parent, not the expert
LGBTQ issues are complicated and evolving. In addition, human development is complicated, especially in the teen years. Engaging in healthy discussions with your children about complicated issues like LGBTQ does not require you to be an expert; it only requires that you care for them and support them.
If you want to explore a deeper understanding of the issues, find some resources that you can review with your child that present helpful, objective information. If you do not have the experience to lead your child in this area, walk with them and learn together. When you can’t offer specific guidance, offer general guidance that will help them to value themselves and others.
When the conversation gets stuck or leads to feelings of depression or anxiety, it is often best to get a professional counselor or therapist involved. The field of mental health counseling has made great strides in recent years in the area of helping with the challenges of LGBTQ youth.
The conversation that you have with your child about LGBTQ issues will surely be one of the most important talks that you ever share. If they come to you with their concerns, it is a clear sign that they trust you and they want your help. Hopefully they will find an advocate who offers encouragement, compassion, and love.
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