Parenting Pointers: Rethinking Your Teenager

Teenagers are changing in every way while trying to assert their independence, and parents are faced with the challenge of coming up with rules, expectations, and standards for behavior without a genuine understanding of what is happening. But the result of this pattern is a parent-child relationship defined by conflict and reactivity--a breeding ground for stress, anger, and anxiety, all of which reinforce those same cultural stereotypes and worst fears.

But it doesn't have to be this way. In this book, family therapist Darby Fox challenges parents to redefine the goals of adolescence by reorienting their focus from what they want their child to be to on who they want their child to be. Darby not only equips parents with the insight to understand the changes taking place in their child's brain and body and support their adolescent's bid for independence but also offers an approach that allows parents to engage their adolescent in a relationship instead of struggling in an endless battle for control. The book is organized around a series of persistent myths about adolescence, each of which the author tears down with a combination of cutting edge neuroscience research, developmental psychology, and her own mix of clinical observations and experience raising four children.

Darby offers a new model for the parent-child relationship, encouraging parents to let go of the attempt to control their teenager and focus instead on creating mutual respect, providing structure and nurture, and encouraging independence in their developing teenager. She walks through the keys to combining structure and nurture and teaches every parent how to connect with their teen while holding them accountable for their behavior. If parents approach teen years with the same thoughtful preparation, sense of awe and wonder, and responsibility that they do the early childhood years, it can be an enjoyable and rewarding developmental stage that deepens, rather than damages, parent-child relationships.

I had a chance to interview Darby to learn more.

Can you share a little bit about the title of this book?
The title of the book, though a little long, speaks to the key component in parent/ adolescent relationships. Adolescents are hardwired to be working towards independence. Their brains are developing quickly, they are creative and novelty seeking so any parent who thinks they will counter this mindset by controlling their child is in for a rough ride. The book speaks to very effective methods of parenting that maintain structure and boundaries yet allow the adolescent some agency in how they conduct themselves. Any parent caught in the control struggle might read the title and be intrigued.
Why do parents and caregivers need a book like this, since we were all teens at one point?
Anyone who has been a teenager is well aware of how difficult the teenage years are. Because you lived through it does not mean you didn't struggle or need any guidance. The notion that "I got through it so you can too", is about survival not strong mental health. We can do better than that. The book combines neuroscience, psychology and years of first hand experience to inform better ways of helping teens develop. The most common phrase in my practice from adolescents is "my parents just don't understand me!". No one performs well if they don't have a supportive structure in the back ground. Parents can learn to parent from a stronger place.

Why is it important to empower teens with decision-making tools rather than controlling their decisions?
It is critical that we empower teens with decision-making tools so that they can practice making decisions and handling the consequences of the actions while there is still a safety net. If they dont practice they have little ability to sustain the pressure and monotony of adult life. We are currently experiencing high levels of anxiety and depression among young adults. A lot of the difficulty comes from them not having experienced uncertainty and the need for flexible, problem solving. It is critical we give them the experience during adolescence so they know how to manage their lives as they become independent adults. If we try to control their decisions aside from getting resistance we rob them of the opportunity to develop their own core foundation. Humans are experiential learners, the only way teens become responsible adults is to practice making decisions weighing their goals and needs against the choices they made.

What are some myths about adolescents and how do they actually make parenting harder?
The idea that teenagers only want to be with their peers and only listen to their peers is a myth. While it is true teens love to be with their friends, teens actually find great satisfaction in associating with adults that believe in them. Research has told us time after time the greatest predictor of a successful teen is their association with a strong adult mentor. Teens look up to adults they can respect and they want to perform for them. It is essential that we expose our adolescents to several positive adult mentors, parents being the most significant.

We often hear that teens are lazy and just sleep late to bother their parents. There can definitely be lazy teens, but it is important to know that your teen is not getting the signal to go to sleep from their brain until a full two hours after full grown adults. Melatonin is released in our teens body two hours later than adults so they are not getting the message to start to unwind at the same time as others. If they can't go to sleep until later it is logical they are not ready to get up until later.
It's important to understand the neuroscience behind sleep patterns so we can more effectively understand our teens needs and how to respond. If you share this information with your adolescent instead of simply telling them to get to bed you can cut down on the struggle and the negative struggle around them not listening to you. Give them the information and then set parameters around what are healthy sleep expectations.

I do not want to reveal too many myths as thats what the book is built around. Adolescents are actually a very fun group to work with. They have lots of energy, creativity and most often enough self-doubt they are willing to learn and adjust. It's a privilege to work with this age group that is so frequently misunderstood.

Darby Fox, LCSW, is a child and adolescent family therapist in private practice in Connecticut and New York. With over twenty years of experience, she is an expert on parenting, child psychology, and family topics. Appearing regularly on-air and in print media, Fox covers a range of topics, from parenting questions and discipline techniques to current trends in child development. She has also collaborated with Meath Media Group to develop a television series called Fractured Family with Darby Fox. Learn more about Darby @ Darbyfox.com and follow her on social media: IG| Twitter