Your children will face many challenges in the years ahead, so you want to raise them to be resilient—strong, adaptable, and able to recover. It is your mission to empower your son or daughter to cultivate a functional and fulfilling life. This essential handbook will help you achieve that goal. In Resilience Parenting, martial arts instructors Chris and Holly Santillo share the insights they have gained as teachers and parents. They offer positive alternatives to lecturing, bribing, and punishing; focusing instead on three Pillars: Learning, Integrity, and Service. By applying these powerful principles, you can inspire your children to develop the independence they need to succeed as adults while renewing their connection to family and community. Whether you are raising a teenager or just starting your family, the methods prescribed in this book will help you unlock your greatest potential as a parent.
You can learn more in this interview.
What is resilience, and why is it so important for kids?
Resilience is the armor that protects us from the vagaries of life. We often try to brace ourselves for difficulty with preparation and training—both of which are reasonable, positive steps to take. However, the most significant challenges in life are often the ones we don't see coming, the ones we can't prepare or train for. In these cases, we need resilience. Resilience is built of three parts: the first is being strong when confronted with difficulties; the second is being adaptable when strength fails; and the third is being able to recover after a breakdown. Together, these three parts of resilience let us move forward powerfully through life regardless of the nature of the difficulty or obstacles that we encounter.
How can adults model resilience for their kids?
I love this question because, in a simple way, it points us to the way forward for our children and ourselves. As adults, it is imperative that we model the kind of resilience that we want to see in our children. While the challenges and stresses that children and adults face are often different (though sometimes they are very much the same), it's key to realize that the causes of distress aren't nearly as important as our response.
As we encounter difficulties, one of the most important behaviors for us to model for our children is learning. By adopting the outlook of a lifelong learner, we will feel better prepared, be more able to seek answers we do not already have, and know that failure is merely a part of the process of growing.
Of course, it's not enough to model behavior for our children. If we genuinely want them to adopt a particular outlook or behavior, we must actively advocate for that behavior. We have to draw attention to when we do it well... and when we do poorly, too! There are just as many lessons in our failures as in our successes.
Why does it help kids to see life as an adventure instead of setbacks?
What is an adventure, except a series of setbacks? Think of your children's favorite stories, whether they are the Magic Treehouse, the Chronicles of Narnia, or the Lord of the Rings; each chapter presents a new setback–but that is what makes the story interesting. Without those obstacles, the story wouldn't be worth reading, and our lives are the same way. Our job is to help our children see obstacles for what they are, opportunities to learn and grow, and perhaps even more importantly, moments that make the story interesting.
We had a moment while traveling this summer when our son turned to us and said with a huge grin, "This is the first misadventure we've had in all of Europe!" Compared to some other places we had been to, Europe was predictable and tame. We could communicate easily, modes of travel operated on time, the food was all familiar... boring! But while in Austria, our train silently split into two, and we found ourselves on the wrong section, traveling quickly toward nighttime and away from the house we'd rented in Slovenia. And while that might seem stressful, there was an excitement in not knowing how our story would end that night.
How can parents and caregivers use integrity and service instead of bribes and punishments?
We don't have to tell you this—you already know it: every time we bribe a child to get through today, we make tomorrow harder. Extrinsic motivation erodes intrinsic motivation. And yet we all do it sometimes. We, as parents, are on a journey of growth and self-discovery, every bit as profound as our children's. For many of us, part of that journey is to become strong enough—and patient enough—to search for the lessons that will endure for a lifetime, rather than the lollipops that last but a moment (and rot your teeth).
Such lessons are often about service; wouldn't it be wonderful if we all realized that helping another person has a far greater reward than the instant gratification of sweet treats or the negative reinforcement that follows them? By teaching our children that serving one another is a joy, not a chore, we open a door for them. And—harkening back to the last question—we must model this act and share in our joy as we serve others as well.
Other lessons are about integrity—ensuring that our children are honest and fulfill their obligations. And the lesson here is simple: a lack of integrity is probably the worst feeling in the world. If you say that you will do something and fail to follow through, or if you're about to act in a way that is against your beliefs or resolutions, you probably get a horrible feeling of anxiety. You know in your gut that something is not right. Learning to follow this feeling of conscience, to steer oneself back on course, is the best way I know to curb unwanted behavior. It's the intrinsic motivation we mentioned.
If we teach kids to get through life with extrinsic motivators like bribes and punishments, we fail to attune them to their feelings of conscience. They will not be the captains of their own ships in life, and they will always need other people to tell them what to do, or worse, they will need constant appeasement and stimulation to cover up their underlying dissatisfaction with life.
In order to have integrity, it's essential to establish clearly with your family what your values are. Then, the kids will know when they are in line with your collective goals. You will be teaching your children to be honest not just with you and other people around them, but—and this is the most important thing of all—how to be honest with themselves. With that superpower in their pocket, they will be able to withstand anything!
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In Resilience Parenting: Raising Resilient Children in an Era of Detachment and Dependence, Chris and Holly Santillo break down what resilience is and how you as a parent can develop it in your children—and yourself.
by Chris and Holly Santillo
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