After 40 years as a Presbyterian pastor, Douglas Brouwer faced an existential crisis that would likely come as a big surprise to those outside the clergy. What did all the hard work on evenings, weekends and holidays — away from his family — amount to? And in the current age of shrinking mainline churches, what could he point to as the end result of his decades in ministry? Following a lengthy career pockmarked by petty conflicts and feelings of disillusionment, he wondered if he had spent his life, as the author of Ecclesiastes laments, “chasing after wind.”
“I was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. I loved most of it, barely tolerated some of it, and was grateful to be finished with much of it,” Brouwer shares in his powerful new book, Chasing After Wind: A Pastor’s Life.
Like pastors everywhere, Brouwer went into ministry to do lifechanging work for God and ended up spending most of his time managing the parking situation outside the church, fielding parishioner complaints about the color of the sanctuary carpet (or, in Brouwer’s case, the color of his shoes), and endlessly fundraising for mission projects and building maintenance.
“What had happened, I now realize, is that I had lost myself so deeply in a role and a title and a way of life that I was no longer sure whether I had an identity separate from those things,” Brouwer says.
In telling his story, Brouwer comes to recognize that the most meaningful parts of his career — the “holy bits,” as he calls them — were in unexpected moments where everything was stripped away but the mysterious work of God. Recounting these times of curious joy and shared mourning, he demonstrates how a pastor can find grace and peace in looking back on a life in ministry.
Brouwer adds, “One friend described the book to me as like meeting your elementary school teacher at the grocery store — in other words, it’s an unexpected, maybe awkward, glimpse into a pastor’s life.”
I had a chance to learn more in this interview.
Why did you write this book?
I came to the end of a 40-year career not long ago and suddenly found myself wondering if any of it mattered - all the long hours, the weekends and holidays, the neglect of my family. I couldn't escape the nagging question: Did I accomplish anything? So, because writing for me is how I figure stuff out, I sat down at my laptop and started to write. Also, there was a pandemic, so I had plenty of time for the project.
I learned during the course of my writing that Erik Erikson, the 20th century psychologist, says that all or most people go through something like this toward the end of our lives - what he calls a "life review." For some of us it isn't easy. For some it requires a therapist. For me it meant a careful look at how I had spent my life. I hope that what I've written is an honest account of my life - the stuff I'm proud of, as well as the stuff (see the title of the book) that doesn't amount to much.
Why is it important for people to get insight into the life of a minister?
One of my reviewers had an interesting response to this question. He wrote that it was like seeing your elementary school teacher at the grocery store and discovering that the teacher has a life outside of school. I suppose I wanted people to know that I had a life outside of school - or in my case the church.
The author Jan Karon has written a series of novels - I think she's up to 13 in the series! - about Father Tim, a kindly episcopal priest. The series was set early on in Mitford, a fictional village in North Carolina (as I recall). Several of the books made it to the New York Times bestseller list, and I read a few of the early ones. But here's the thing: I didn't identify with any of it. It wasn't how I would describe the pastor's life - at all, not even a little bit. Now, of course there are Father Tims out there, and I'm thankful for them, but most pastors go through their lives with plenty of hurts and failures and frustrations. Sometimes it isn't pretty. That story should be told too.
I should mention that the story isn't bleak on every page! The narrative arc brings me back - at the end - to a new-found appreciation for what I was allowed to do with my life. Which, I must say, was amazing.
Why might even nonreligious people find this book interesting?
The number of people who count themselves as religious is shrinking, so of course I thought about this as I wrote. And to those who have little interest in the church, where I spent much of my life, I hope the book is a kind of template for how to look at our lives. If all of us do this at some point, if all of us go through a life review (whether we want it or not), then my story might be helpful in showing that others have done it and have come out on the other side - healthier, even with a sense of humor intact.
As part of my review, I reached out to a young woman I knew in college - well, she was young when I knew her! The relationship was serious and was moving toward marriage, when I broke it off, out of fear and immaturity. Then, all these years later, still feeling guilt about my behavior, I found her (via social media) and apologized to her. She was easier to find than I expected and more gracious about hearing from me than I deserved. And I experienced from her a profound kind of grace and forgiveness. I don't suppose that's possible with every relationship in our lives that we're not proud of, not every wrong can be made right, but it's possible once in a while. And I wanted to put that out there as something to aim for. Later years can be a time for healing and reconciliation.
About the Author
Author Douglas J. Brouwer spent 40 years serving churches in Illinois, Michigan, Florida and Switzerland before retiring to Michigan. He studied philosophy at Calvin College in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and earned master’s and doctoral degrees from Princeton Theological Seminary in Princeton, New Jersey. Now retired, Brouwer lives just north of Holland, Michigan, a few steps from Lake Michigan.
To read Brouwer’s musings on life and faith, please visit https://dougsblog.substack.com/, or follow the author on Twitter (@DouglasBrouwer), Instagram (@douglasbrouwer) or Facebook (@douglas.brouwer.1).
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