Caring Connections: Compromise in Relationships

 When two become one in a committed relationship, the need for healthy compromise is undoubtedly a contributing factor to its success. There’s the obvious, more surface-level areas of compromise like what to have for dinner that night, or who’s responsible for which chores around the house. But when it comes to larger compromises, say adapting to an entirely different culture than the one you were raised in? There is much, much more to consider.

Adapting to a new culture for the love of your life may not be all that bad, but when that new culture asks you to alter practically everything you’ve considered a core value your entire life, it becomes a matter of finding that sweet spot between healthy compromise and self-abandonment.

Award-winning author of Life and Other Shortcomings, Corie Adjmi writes about this theme in her newest book, The Marriage Box when main character Casey finds herself married to a man that she’s madly in love with, but also wants her to adjust her lifelong dreams of attending college to have a child instead. I had a chance to interview Corie to learn more.

Why is compromise essential in a committed relationship?

It takes two to co-create a relationship. Compromise is essential as you are of two minds, two

sets of values, and two sets of needs. In order to have a healthy, stable, long-lasting

relationship, deep listening is necessary. You must hear your partner’s truth, allowing for

flexibility and change in the relationship, as long as neither partner’s values or integrity is being

sublimated. When both parties are willing to compromise, the relationship will thrive through

the continued support of one another.

How can partners make sure that they are engaged in healthy compromise?

Partners must take care not to people-please or engage in unhealthy or unbalanced

compromise. When a partner is coerced, goes against their values, or is the one doing all the

compromising, resentment is sure to follow. Healthy compromise must be mutual and offered

in a good-spirit.

What can couples do to navigate potential culture clash issues when they come from

very different backgrounds?

I think people get into relationships and see what they want to see. Often, they are blind to

reality. They imagine love will conquer all and project their wishes, dreams, and ideas onto their

partner. This is a recipe for disaster, or at least a lot of disappointments. It’s best to face the

truth up front, figure out if you’re willing to compromise, and grapple with if you can handle it.

As Maya Angelou says, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.