With the lazy days of summer drawing to an end, many parents are wondering if they should set up new routines and expectations for the school year. One of the biggest challenges — and one that mom and speech pathologist Rebecca Rolland, EdD is asked about often — is whether parents should ban screen time. Is the new school year an opportunity for serious cutbacks to phone time for teens and tweens?
All Screen Time Isn’t Necessarily Bad Screen Time
When talking with kids about screen time, there's one thing parents often forget: All screen use isn't the same, according to Rolland: “If you're like many families, you may have seen screen time increase as the summer went on. There are videos to watch, video games to play, friends to text, and on and on. There may definitely need to be changes as the year starts — but instead of thinking about banning screens completely, focus instead on starting intentional conversations about screen time with your kids.”
Some uses are interactive, and actually bring people together. Think of them as relational jumpstarts: playing a Sudoku game together online, researching documentaries you could watch, or even planning a vacation or trip. These can actually be very healthy and engaging ways to spend time together. Other, more passive uses, can inhibit relationship by creating moments when a family is "alone together." That is, you may all be sitting in the same room, but you're looking at different screens, in your separate worlds. With these uses, kids tend more to disconnect from family and friends, or compare themselves to others — for instance, by scrolling through TikTok or Instagram. This is where many mental health concerns start.
So how does Rolland recommend you create more of these active, relational uses?
1) Look beyond numbers. “Making artificial rules about time limits ignores important distinctions in what kids do online. Instead, focus on what is happening on the screens. If a child is using technology passively, help them think of ways they can engage those around them. Maybe, rather than playing a video game alone, they can play a multi-player game with a sibling. Discuss with kids what screen activities they already do with that lead them to have fun with others and enjoy their company, or even learn about something that interests them. Whether it's knitting demonstrations or learning about soccer moves, help them emphasize these uses more, and move away from the more passive uses.”
2) Talk to kids about their screen use priorities. “Explore ideas like: How do you want to feel when using screens? Connected? Engaged? What current uses make you feel more like that? What uses make you feel more or less satisfied afterward? Emphasize screen use that lets them feel a sense of belonging, both in the moment and after the fact.”
3) Help kids look critically at technology. “If you have an older child, and they're open to it, look together at their Facebook or Instagram feeds. Take a look at how feeds often emphasize perfection: the perfect house or vacation, or the perfect body. Talk through the difference between the image and the reality. Examine the ads together. Ask: ‘What strategies are the ads using to get me to buy this?’ If they'd rather have privacy, consider using your own online social media profile for this critical look.”
4) Notice and respond to what screens are replacing. “If you find your kids using screen time too much, there's likely something they're missing out on. Instead of insisting on ‘no screens,’ emphasize what needs to get done, or on new activities you could explore. Focus on activities that help a child individually, like homework, as well as those that are needed for the community, like chores. Also, emphasize activities you can enjoy as a family, like taking a hike or bike ride.”
5) Put kids in the driver's seat. “Let them select a new offline activity they'd like to try out together. Get creative. Give them free reign, as long as it's not too expensive or dangerous. Having choices can often boost their motivation to try.”
Having these conversations can let kids feel seen and heard, and can make screen time feel like much less of a battle. While they're not always easy, these talks can make technology feel like a part of family life without becoming all-consuming. What's more, these conversations can actually improve kids' self-awareness about when and where screen time is useful. Over time, they'll be less likely to need nagging, or sneak to use the phone — and you're likely to have more fun as a family.
About:
Rebecca Rolland, EdD, is a mother of two and a Harvard Speech-Language Pathologist whose new book The Art of Talking With Children details "rich talk" and listening to cultivate children's creativity, kindness, and curiosity. To learn the seven pillars of rich talk to empower your family relationships, visit RebeccaRolland.com or her press kit at rebeccarolland.
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