Moore explores:
- The body-brain connection to behavior, why most "consequences" don't work, and what to do instead
- How parents and children can regulate their nervous systems to foster greater connection, even in the thick of adversity
- How to use different types of storytelling and play as effective and benevolent teachers
"In this book, you’ll not only learn how stories make excellent nonpunitive teachers for our kids but why they do,” says Moore. “Just as young children are prone to ask, ‘Why?’ adults want to see it to believe it. I’ll show you the why. I’ll share the science behind my recommendations, and you’ll learn lots of ways to have a more positive and connected relationship with your children. You’ll discover ways to stay calm even when you’re angry or frustrated. You’ll also hear about ways to increase connection and cooperation with your kids without yelling at them or shaming them. You might just go to sleep at night feeling downright good about your parenting."
I had a chance to learn more in this interview.
For Bekah at Motherhood Moment
Can you share a little bit about the body-brain connection when it comes to behavior?
In Peaceful Discipline, I explain that the human brain literally isn’t fully developed until approximately age 25. In the early years, children are largely driven by impulses because that’s literally all they’re “wired” to do until their brain growth catches up with their physical growth.
Even older kids, whose brains have developed more than younger kids’ have, are still in “trial and error” mode—not because they’re “bad,” but because the brain is testing with neural connections are the right ones to keep (in other words, the brain learns what behaviors keep them safe and connected, and which don’t).
Knowing this, we can expect that children are going to make mistakes for a good long time (and honestly, I don’t know any adults who don’t make mistakes sometimes, too)!
This gives us a paradigm shift when we think about the importance of teaching behavior rather than punishing it.
When we think about how we learn best, is it when we’re feeling stressed and blamed for mistakes, or when someone meets us with patience and grace? The same answer applies to our children.
Why don't many consequences that families use work?
Many common consequences are punitive and disconnecting. Although they may “work” to modify behavior to some degree, many come with great risks long-term, not the least of which is emotional distance between the adult and child.
Furthermore, many punitive consequences don’t actually change the intended behavior, but instead, encourage the child to simply hide the behavior better. Again, this isn’t because the child is “bad.” Rather, they may do this because they feel emotionally unsafe. Most parents don’t want to use fear and lack of emotional safety to teach their children, and most really want to do well for their kids.
I detail the specific drawbacks and risks of many common punitive consequences in Peaceful Discipline, along with what to do instead (and why the alternatives work better). I give parents and caregivers a path forward so they know exactly what to do, instead, to nurture not only the child’s development, but also to support the relationship overall.
What are some tools that are more effective at modifying behavior?
Curiosity and connection are always the way to go. When we get curious about our children’s behavior, we can ask:
It this developmentally appropriate? What reliable source can I use to research this? Maybe what my child is doing is normal.
What’s their behavior telling me—what’s happening beneath the surface that maybe isn’t so obvious?
What are they needing right now?
When we teach through connection by creating emotional safety for our children, they’ll be much more receptive to learning from us. They’ll be leaning into our guidance and the relationship overall rather than doubting, fearing, or pulling back from it.
How can storytelling and play help kids learn in effective ways?
As Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget noted, play is the language of childhood! When we enter a child’s world in ways that make sense to their growing brain, they’re more likely to “hear” us. The good news is that we can use play and storytelling proactively (before a problem occurs), in the moment (when things are going sideways), or even retroactively (after something’s already transpired).
Play and storytelling are not only more engaging for children (they won’t tune us out), but the lessons are also more memorable for them that way.
Perhaps the best news is that we don’t have to be infinitely creative (or creative at all, really). I outline exactly how to use these tools in ways that will ultimately save you tons of time and energy, and that will bring much more JOY back to your parenting.
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Sarah R. Moore is the founder of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting and author of Peaceful Discipline: Story Teaching, Brain Science & Better Behavior. She’s a public speaker, armchair neuroscientist, and most importantly, a Mama. She's a lifelong learner with training in child development, trauma recovery, interpersonal neurobiology, and improv comedy. As a certified Master Trainer in conscious parenting, she helps bring JOY, EASE, and CONNECTION back to families around the globe. Based in Colorado, Sarah and her family spend much of their time worldschooling. She speaks French and eats Italian food like a pro!) Her heart's desire is to bring greater peace and healing to the world through loving and respectful parenting. Follow her on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, & Twitter.
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