Spring is a time for new beginnings, growth, and fresh starts, and it's not just limited to purging and revising our homes. Family therapist Dr. Erika Bocknek advises, "Parenting requires staying on your toes and being willing to revise strategies. We always need to look in our proverbial closet and figure out what's working and let go of what's not."
- One of the first things parents should do is to look for signs that it's time to regroup. Children often go through phases where they need more or less support or attention. For example, if your child is asking you to "please listen" a lot, it could be a sign that they're struggling with something and need more support. Dr. Bocknek says, "I had to make a revision to my usual response. It’s not comfortable, but I’m prioritizing my relationship with him as opposed to automatically cleaning up a mess when he was younger.”
- Spring also means that swimsuit season is around the corner. Parents can take a proactive approach to promoting a positive body image that can help children feel empowered and self-assured during the summer months. Kids can be very self-conscious about their bodies, and we can help them navigate the threats to their body esteem from peers, social media and society at large.
- With the weather changing and celebrations and gatherings increasing for kids, it's important for parents to be prepared to help their children deal with bullies or mean girls. Unfortunately, bullying is a common problem among children, and it can have a serious impact on a child's mental health and well-being.
Why is it helpful to "spring clean" our parenting approach?
Parents are inundated with information about good parenting, and, yet, I find that parents feel more helpless than ever, trying to do it all. Inasmuch as a good spring cleaning lets you create space in your home for the things that matter most, examining the ways that your parenting reflects your values is important for reducing parenting burnout. This is especially true as children grow and parents consider how to translate those family values to children’s own internalized approach to the world.
How can families use a new season as a time to regroup and reconnect?
When I spring clean my home, here’s what it looks like: I’m opening up closets, sorting through items I have kept on hand. A bin full of mason jars--those come in handy sometimes, right? I once read a blog post about how I could repurpose these and make my own cleaning supplies. I never did it. Homemade often sounds good, but I probably don’t care quite enough about an all-natural home to have put in the labor. I pull them out for the give away pile but not without hesitation. I’m a little bit ashamed because this seems like something of a failure--would a more perfect homemaker have followed through on this? Should I put it back in the closet and commit to trying again? Finally, I decide to let them go. I’d like to make space for more craft supplies. Our family may not prioritize organic disinfectants, but we can’t live without emergency packs of gel pens, glue sticks, and beads for our ongoing craft projects.
Just like those jars, we all have parenting priorities taking up space in our homes that we must examine. There’s only so much closet space, and the space for our mental labor, too, is finite.
Take a few days to wonder about your parenting values. What is most important to you and your parenting partner? Now, cross some things off the list. You can’t have it all. For example, when it comes to family dinner, we all suffer when I try to pack it all in. Make conversation. Sit nicely. Try all the foods. Eat your vegetables. Help set the table. Help clear the table. Say please and thank you. Don’t spill. Don’t sit on your knees. Don’t put your elbows on the table. Sit until everyone is finished. Don’t interrupt. Answer questions. Share about your day. Ask about other people’s day. Don’t use that word. Say more. Say less. Chew nicely. Use your fork.
It’s time to open up that closet. What is my goal when it comes to the family table? What matters about how we use this time most of all? The new season can introduce a kind of energy that inspires renewal. The world often feels like it’s turning over--snow is melting, flowers are blooming, and our neighbors emerge from their homes to greet one another. It’s a natural time to wonder. So, we can take advantage of this time to wonder together and reconnect.
Here’s what’s true for my family: we love glittery gel pens, conversation, and making time for one another. Do we enjoy being polite? Perhaps, but it’s not a value as much family connection is for us. We are willing to relax on grammar rules and body posture at the table to favor a relaxed and joyful hour talking and laughing. Perhaps even the careful balance of the foods matters less than making that space an easy place for every member of the family--adventurous and picky eaters alike.
What are some ways that families can have conversations about appropriate warm-weather apparel in a positive way, not a way that can contribute to negative body image?
Often families send conflicting messages to their kids about body image and rules and values about clothing. This can happen because parents may experience their own internal conflict, trying to reconcile discomfort and dissatisfaction with their own bodies with aspirations for how their children will feel about theirs. Another reason this happens is because most parents want their children to develop a positive self-concept, but those same parents may also have unexamined rules they take for granted about the kind of ways that people--and especially girls and women--should dress.
The most important ways that parents can support children in developing a positive body image is to be transparent about their own values, be thoughtful about being consistent with values that are stated and values that are acted upon, and let your child be a thought partner in the conversation. Parents often believe they can shield their children from the negative messaging all around them about food, body size and shape, and overall physical appearance simply through their own coaching. Unfortunately, this belief can lead to silencing children who have to navigate this world nonetheless but learn their parents are uncomfortable with such realities.
Instead, parents should have the courage to be open and honest with their children. Parents can have a balanced convo with their children: validate the very real pressures to look a certain way with a shared belief that giving into this pressure at the expense of other priorities--enjoying foods, embracing your own unique style, and having freedom to think about life goals more than appearance--is not a family value. Finally, use lots of affirming language about everyone in the family, including yourself, and put less energy into oppositional statements. For example, notice aloud how fun it is to wear your favorite dress, or tell your child you love the outfit they picked out as much as you notice non-physical traits and talents.
This can be much more effective in promoting joyful thinking about one’s body beyond statements that seem to be making an argument, such as telling your child not worry about what he or she likes.
How can parents use warmer weather as a way to find new activities everyone can enjoy?
Anything that matters about your parenting intentions--whether it’s to raise children with positive body image or encourage children to live out other family values--begins with deep relationships built on trust. That kind of trust isn’t a given and it can’t be compelled. Families need to engage in ongoing, everyday experiences that connect members of the family to one and another and to a sense of shared belongingness. Warmer weather can give a fresh start for new experiences. Parents might suggest tried-and-true ideas from their own childhoods--a family bike ride to the park--to give kids a sense of who their parents are as people. Kids might share their own ideas--checking out a nearby adventure park--to co-construct their family bonds.
Learn more with Dr. Bocknek's IG, Twitter and TikTok:@DrErikaConvo
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