First impressions are important, but there’s a lot more you should consider before deciding to live with someone. Jonas Bordo of Dwellsy shares eight questions to help you sift through prospective roommates.
Maybe you’re a recent graduate looking for your first apartment. Maybe you’re moving to a new city after a job change. Maybe you’re hoping to save money, or just want someone to hang out with in the evenings. Whatever the case may be, you need a roommate.
“Before you sign a lease with someone else, take time to think about what you hope to gain, what you stand to lose, and how to create the best odds for a harmonious shared household,” says Jonas Bordo, CEO and cofounder of Dwellsy, and coauthor, along with Hannah Hildebolt, of Everything You Need to Know About Renting But Didn’t Know to Ask: All the Insider Dirt to Help You Get the Best Deal and Avoid Disaster (Matt Holt, August 2023, ISBN: 978-1-6377439-2-8, $21.95). “After all, not only will you be sharing a physical and social space with this person, you’ll also be tied to them financially.”
Think about it this way. You wouldn’t put down a deposit on an apartment you’d never seen before, right? You’d want to ensure that the property was as advertised, well maintained, and a good fit for you and your lifestyle before committing to live there.
Similarly, it makes sense to think through the pros and cons of having a roommate, and to put just as much care into choosing the right person if you do decide to share your space.
“When you and your roommate are compatible, your quality of life will be enhanced,” says Bordo. “You might even get some great memories and an even better friend out of the deal. But if you jump into this arrangement without due consideration, your lease might start to feel more like a prison sentence.”
Bordo’s upcoming book, Everything You Need to Know About Renting But Didn’t Know to Ask (available for purchase on August 1), is exactly what the title says: a comprehensive guide to help people “win” at renting. It covers the entire process from preparing for the rental search to getting your security deposit back after your lease is up. With several decades’ experience as a renter, landlord, property manager, and current CEO of the largest U.S. rental marketplace, Bordo is a trusted authority on all things rental-related.
Here, he suggests considering the following eight things as you contemplate the roommate question:
How well do I need to know my roommate? Is it important that you know and trust your roommate before moving in with them? Or are you willing to look at a shared rental as more of a business arrangement with a like-minded stranger?
“If you don’t already have a candidate in mind, you can look for roommates on social media groups,” says Bordo. “Some are neighborhood-specific, and others help people find roommates who share certain traits, like being LGBTQIA+ or being from the same marginalized race. There are also different websites and apps that match potential roommates, sometimes for a subscription fee.”
How might we split the rent? If you can’t afford an apartment on your own, finding a roommate (or two or three) is the obvious solution. Even if you have a bit of financial wiggle room, it’s still nice to split the rent! Having two or more household incomes can enable you to live in an apartment with more space or more amenities, or one that’s in a more desirable location.
“You don’t necessarily have to split the rent halfway,” Bordo points out. “Maybe the person with the master suite or home office pays more. Or perhaps one roommate pays less in exchange for doing the grocery shopping and cooking most of the meals.” Note to Editor: See attached tipsheet for ideas on how to create a roommate agreement.
How much social interaction do I need? If you’re an introvert, you won’t necessarily be happier alone, but you might want to look for a roommate who will give you some space. If you’re more of an extrovert, you may want a roommate who will be up for drinks, dinner, and Netflix after work.
“Some people find that having a roommate is essential for their mood and mental well-being; others absolutely need time alone to recharge,” points out Bordo. “It’s best to put some thought into your social preferences before moving in with another person. Keep in mind that while you’ll presumably have your own bedrooms, you may be sharing all other spaces.”
What kind of housekeeper am I? Bordo wants to make one thing clear up front: He’s not suggesting you get a roommate (room-maid?) so you’ll have someone to clean up after you. He is suggesting that you look honestly at your housekeeping preferences and consider how they might mesh with another person’s.
“If you’re a neat freak, will it bother you if another person leaves mail out on the counter?” he asks. “If you thrive in a more chaotic environment, are you willing to put a few more chores on your roster? Housekeeping is at the root of some of the most acrimonious roommate feuds I’ve encountered. The good news is, if you and your roommate can agree on what chores should be done and how to divide them, you’ll each have less work to do than if you lived alone.”
How sensitive am I to noise (and visitors, and privacy, and unpredictable schedules…)? “It doesn’t matter if my roommate is loud sometimes; I’ll just turn on a sound machine.” Or, “Sharing a bathroom with this person I just met won’t be THAT big a deal.” Or, “Of course I don’t mind if your girlfriend spends the night!” File all of these statements under “famous last roommate words.”
“When you are living in fairly close quarters with another human, it’s not as easy to brush things off as you may have thought,” says Bordo. “Think about what things might be a compatibility issue for you, and identify any must-haves and dealbreakers before signing a lease.”
How well does this apartment align with our needs? Choosing the right rental can be just as important as finding a compatible roommate. Is the kitchen big enough for two people to move around, or would you need to take turns? If your roommate regularly wakes up earlier, will the sound of the shower disturb you? Is there enough storage space for both of your possessions?
“Your physical space has a big impact on quality of life,” says Bordo. “You may not always have a lot of choice in the matter, but when possible, take the time to find a place that will work for both parties.”
What are my decorating preferences? Décor probably isn’t as high a priority as, say, hygiene or privacy. But this is your home, so it’s important that it feel comfortable and welcoming for both parties. A maximalist and a minimalist might not be destined for roomie nirvana…but perhaps you could negotiate that your roommate hang her horror movie posters only in her bedroom in exchange for keeping your treasured clown figurines in yours.
“Especially for new renters, having a roommate is a fantastic way to furnish and decorate an apartment,” Bordo points out. “Things can look a little sparse if you don’t have enough possessions to fill a living space.”
How comfortable am I with communicating my needs and having tough conversations? Even if you and your roommate get along well, you won’t see eye to eye on everything. Some of the other person’s habits will annoy you (and vice versa). It’s important to address small issues before they become big ones, and to be able to hold your boundaries if there is a major disagreement.
“Few things are worse than living in silent anxiety or resentment,” says Bordo. “If you’re going to live with someone else, you should be prepared to ask them—kindly and respectfully—to please wipe out the bathroom sink after shaving or to stop eating your labeled food.”
If there’s an incompatibility in most of these areas, it can often be resolved, or at least lived with, until the lease is up. What you literally can’t afford to compromise on is finances.
“If your roommate can’t, or won’t, meet their share of the rent and other expenses, guess who is on the hook?” says Bordo. “Talking about money can be difficult and awkward, but you must determine up front if your roommate is able and willing to pony up.
“Beyond that, my best piece of advice is to keep your expectations realistic and be willing to extend some grace to the other person,” he concludes. “There is no such thing as a ‘perfect’ roommate—but with a little understanding and consideration from both sides, choosing to live with someone else might be one of the best decisions you ever make.”
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