Today’s young men (along with every generation who came before) have been taught to be tough no matter what. So far, it’s not working out for them. They are buckling under the weight of anxiety and depression, they misuse alcohol and other substances, and they are at risk of dying by suicide and overdose. Matthew Stefanko says we can—and must—do better to reach them.
“The way we talk about health and wellness is completely at odds with the way men are socialized,” says Matthew Stefanko, CEO and founder of MANUAL, a men’s health company with a mission to inspire young men to become the best version of themselves. “They have grown up to believe that they shouldn’t be vulnerable or ask for help, so when they find an environment that tells them to cry and be in touch with their feelings, they pull away.”
That’s why we’ve got to start meeting men where they are, says Stefanko, who is the latest featured guest on The Mayo Lab Podcast with David Magee, which serves as a single source of research-based guidance for parents, educators, and students. (Listen at https://themayolab.com and
That’s what Stefanko is doing as CEO of MANUAL. The organization partners with institutions such as universities and fraternities and offers a suite of on-demand, evidence-based content on critical wellness topics, anonymous peer engagement, and live learning led by industry experts.
Keep reading to learn the reasons young men are not getting the help they need, and what needs to be done to turn things around.
The messaging around mental health turns men away… The language around mental health is at odds with the way most men were socialized, says Stefanko. Phrases like “How are you feeling?” “If you need help, reach out.” “We’re here for you.” “Are you dealing with anxiety?” “Are you dealing with depression?” don’t resonate. Young men don’t want to deal with their feelings. They want to optimize, to self-improve, but that’s not the messaging they are receiving.
…And the stigma around mental health and wellness also holds them back. Society has made a lot of progress around normalizing mental health struggles, but there is still a stigma around these issues, says Stefanko. Young men don’t want to talk to their friends about what’s going on with their anxiety, or their drinking problem, or their erectile dysfunction. So they don’t feel like they have a pathway to get help. And while counseling is an option, they aren’t rushing out to get help.
Young men aren’t to blame for this resistance, says podcast host and student wellbeing activist David Magee. “The generations that came before them valued male toughness too,” says Magee. “Even though our culture is more open to therapy and wellness, we must go further to normalize men getting help when they need it.”
Young men don’t feel represented by the counselors available to them. Fifty percent of men want a male therapist, but 76 percent of therapists are female. And of those female therapists, most are white. This creates a disconnect for young men—and particularly for young black or Hispanic men—who may feel that a woman, who is most often white, can’t relate to their struggles. Young men are seeing that disconnection, and many are simply choosing not to engage.
Early education on the risks of substance misuse is essential. We live in a culture where substances like alcohol and marijuana are normalized, so it can be difficult for young people to know when they have a problem. “The education around substance misuse can feel very binary,” says Stefanko. “They hear, ‘If you drink more than five drinks a day, you’ve got a problem,’ but everybody around them is drinking five drinks a day. We need to have a conversation with our young adults about identifying whether they have a problem relative to the people around them who are behaving in the same way.”
Young men need to know that substance misuse disorder looks different in different individuals, says Magee, whose son Hudson survived an accidental drug overdose in college. “When my son was in a coma, some of his friends told me that when and if he woke up, he might need some help because he had been on something for a while,” says Magee. “It didn’t dawn on them to sound the alarm earlier because they were seeing substance misuse all around them. The sooner parents and educators talk about these issues with children, the better.”
Substance misuse is often a coping mechanism for a mental health issue. Substance misuse does not always indicate an addiction. Many young men (and young people in general) use substances like alcohol or marijuana to help them deal with a mental health issue such as anxiety or depression. In these cases, they likely need professional help to address the root problem.
The messaging around mental healthcare should be tweaked to be more compelling to young men. “We need to let men know it’s okay to access care and improvement and optimization in the way that works for them,” says Stefanko. “We’ve set up a system to say you have to cry and be vulnerable to get mental healthcare, but this isn’t reaching the men who were taught from birth that they can’t show their emotions or appear anything but tough.”
MANUAL aims to reach young men where they are. Their team doesn’t always try to have the first conversations with young men be about anxiety, alcohol use, etc.
“Sometimes the first conversation is about sleep or sexual performance or fitness because that’s something that they do want to improve on right now,” says Stefanko. “They might not want to improve on their mental health, but they want to sleep better and they want to be better at sex. They want people around them to find them more attractive and they want to make more money, or whatever it might be. And so, we try to start the conversation there and actually say that being more mentally healthy and having healthy exercise habits and healthy eating habits, all those things, are going to contribute and be connected.”
Society should encourage men when they make progress. “Parents, educators, peers, partners, and institutions alike need to be excited and encouraging when men show signs of progress,” says Stefanko. “It’s up to all of us to become more comfortable with men being different from how they were 20 or 30 years ago. If we are not, nothing will ever change.”
We should all redefine the words men are raised on. Historically, men have been told they must be resilient, and breadwinners, and providers. Stefanko encourages men to redefine the words that we have long used to describe the roles that men often take on.
“There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be resilient or to be a provider for your family,” says Stefanko. “Those aren’t even masculine traits—they are human traits. But men take them on. It’s important to really ask, What does resilient mean? What does being a provider mean? Maybe for your family, it means stepping up and raising the kids if your partner’s the one who’s out being the breadwinner. As for resiliency, I don’t believe it means resisting getting help as long as you can until you break down and hurt all the people around you. I believe resiliency is saying, ‘I’ve got this issue and I’m going to nip it in the bud so I don’t hurt the people around me.’”
Men have a lot of hard work ahead to heal the hurts that are causing them and their loved ones pain. The good news is, they can do it when we meet them where they are and let them know it’s okay, and brave even, to unpack the issues that hold them back.
“Young men desperately want to change because they know what they are doing now isn’t working,” concludes Stefanko. “Too many lives are broken or lost. If we empower young men to get the help they need on their own terms, we can finally reach them and save lives.”
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About Matthew Stefanko:
Matthew Stefanko is the chief executive officer of MANUAL, a men’s health company with a mission to inspire young men to become the best version of themselves. Prior to MANUAL, Matthew led Shatterproof’s National Stigma Initiative as a vice president. Prior to Shatterproof, Matthew worked in management consulting, and he previously worked in local government at the Baltimore City Health Department. Matthew has a dual degree in economics and government from Cornell University. He is based in Washington, D.C.
About David Magee:
David Magee is the best-selling author of Things Have Changed: What Every Parent (and Educator) Should Know About the Student Mental Health and Substance Misuse Crisis and Dear William: A Father’s Memoir of Addiction, Recovery, Love, and Loss—a Publisher’s Weekly bestseller, named a Best Book of the South, and featured on CBS Mornings—and other nonfiction books. A changemaker in student and family mental health and substance misuse, he’s the creator and director of operations of the William Magee Institute for Student Wellbeing at the University of Mississippi and a frequent K–12 and university educational and motivational speaker, helping students and parents find and keep their joy. He hosts The Mayo Lab Podcast with David Magee, available at https://themayolab.com and on Apple and Spotify podcast platforms, a one-of-its-kind program for parents aimed at helping students and families find lasting wellbeing. He’s also a national recovery advisor for the Integrative Life Network. Learn more at www.daviddmagee.com.
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