October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.. Almost 4 million children were involved in maltreatment investigations in 2020, according to data from the Department of Health and Human Services. Out of those investigations, more than 618,000 children were found to be victims of abuse or neglect.
When a person is abused, especially children, they develop coping mechanisms. By being able to identify these signs, we can be more vigilant in recognizing potential abuse and better assist in getting children and other survivors out of dangerous situations.
Here are five coping mechanisms that survivors typically adopt in the wake of domestic violence:
1. Sexualized behavior, increased verbal abuse or physically aggressive behavior with others or violence against people or animals
2. Social withdrawal, speech disorders or social regression
3. Increased anxiety and phobias
4. Self harm or substance abuse
5. Dissociation and depression
“Domestic violence was pervasive in the family I grew up in. From as far back as I can remember, I witnessed and was subjected to battery, verbal abuse and sexual abuse. I really wish there had been any public awareness of DV during my childhood and teen years. I might have been able to see myself in context of a cycle that affected about one in four women and nearly one in ten men during their lifetime. Instead, as children will, I thought of myself as the cause of the violence and abuse,” explains award-winning author Alle C. Hall.
For Alle, she wants to spread awareness about the impact of abuse and the signs we as a society need to be mindful of.
Now available as an audiobook, Alle C. Hall’s award-winning novel, “As Far As You Can Go Before You Have To Come Back,” is a story about a survivor of abuse who discovers the path to healing after she escapes her abusive family.
I had a chance to interview Alle to learn more.
Why is it important for everyone to be aware of some of the signs of abuse?
We have to decide if we are a society that puts the needs of children above the comfort of some adults. I’m in a lot of parenting communities, both online and in real life. When I bring up the specter of abuse, people tend to shut down or become defensive and angry. People do not like to address things that are difficult to talk about, but it is crucial that we do so when it comes to discussing abuse.
It helps others and perhaps will protect a child to become educated on what abuse entails. Anyone can be a victim of abuse, and many are and don’t realize it. We may have built up levels of denial. Which sets us up to shut down when we witness abuse. It is important to become educated on what abuse entails.
We are making it more acceptable to discuss abuse, and are generally more aware of the signs of abuse, which simultaneously enables survivors and restricts abusers. Abusers succeed by isolating their victims, and a society that regularly discusses and is aware of the signs of abuse make it harder for those abusers to lurk unnoticed in our communities.
Why are certain coping mechanisms sometimes overlooked?
Coping mechanisms can be overlooked for a variety of reasons. Unresolved trauma typically results in three conditions: addiction or compulsion, unresolvable pain, and depression or anxiety. All of these conditions tend to be pushed under the rug, ignored or shamed on a societal level. People who are struggling with these may hide it away even from themselves. Many people are also in denial that they are or have been abused as well, and may not be able to make the connection between their abuse and the coping mechanisms they’ve built up in response to that abuse.
When a person works on resolving their trauma, the conditions begin to go away.
Unfortunately, if a parent won’t ask for help, their children and grandchildren will suffer.
If someone suspects a child is being abused, what should they do?
Tell someone. Tell a police officer or the supervisor in the situation what you saw and let them make their conclusion. Every time I reported child abuse to staff or police, they thanked me. They want to know in order to better protect and service, or to safely care for children.
Now a more common situation: I picked up my four-year-old from a drop-in daycare and there was a man I had never seen working as one of the providers. I freaked out. Those are just the prejudices I have. But I talked myself through it. As the child-care guy said goodbye to my son, he whispered in his ear and touched my son’s stomach.
I was too shocked to say anything to the staff at the daycare. I resolved never to bring my child to that center again. However, I realized that if I did not report the incident, this man would offend again.
The staff thanked me for letting them know. They put the man on suspension, and made him and the whole staff go through an awareness training. I never saw him again. Who knows? In realizing how close he came to being reported to the police, he might have sought help for himself.
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