Caring Connections - Defusing Holiday Tensions

 The holiday season has started.  The stores have started holiday sales and holiday decorations are popping up.  The holidays are supposed to be filled with love, laughter, good cheer, and those tiny sparkly lights that make the mood feel festive. Unfortunately, joyous celebration often deteriorates into epic discord when family and friends gather during the season.  More and more, the holidays are a time of tension.  In many ways, we are primed for holiday arguments. t's a stressful time. Buying gifts can lead to financial worries. The weather is colder. Days are darker. Add to this the political polarization and numerous social issues at the forefront of many people’s minds, holiday conversations carry the potential to lead to arguments. In fact many families no longer get together over the holidays because of this. Ones that do often report massive tension. Sometimes they sit in silence rather than argue. Families and friendships are destroyed over this.  How can you navigate holiday conversations?  How can you avoid tensions and arguments?

I had a chance to interview Christine Miles, author of the critically acclaimed and award winning book, What Is It Costing You Not To Listen?.  Miles provides tips on how to avoid holiday arguments and tensions that will allow you to come together as a family and even enjoy the office parties.  

What are some common causes of family tension during the holidays? 
Conflict and family tension during the holidays are hardly a new phenomenon.  Rehashing childhood stories, arguments about how much was spent on gifts, differences about disciplining children, old wounds, and unresolved fights, are just a few of the common holiday topics that create tension and conflict among families.   In more recent years, political differences have become one of the top hot topics that have made family get togethers filled with dread and uncertainly and sadly resulted in family members disassociating from one another.  

How can people redirect conversations that may be getting too intense?
Even with the best laid plans and ground rules, things can still go off the rails between family members.  When a conversation is getting intense or uncomfortable, shift the focus from agreement to understanding.  People typically escalate because they are arguing about divergent points of view, trying to convince the other person of their way of thinking.  However, arguing rarely changes hearts or minds.  To redirect, focus on conveying your understanding of the other person’s point of view, by summarizing their viewpoint. Understanding has nothing to do with agreement.  Once the other person feels understood, you’ll not only deescalate the argument, but you also earn the right to ask to change the subject or tell them you are feeling uncomfortable.

How can families set some "ground rules" to head off problems before they start?
Rather than hope for the best, a proactive approach is a way to increase your chances of heading off problems before they start.  The first step is to take the lead to set ground rules in advance of the family get together, keeping two things in mind.  First, take a positive approach versus a negative one.  Shift the messaging from “I don’t want there to be any conflict or problems when we are together” to something like, I’m really looking forward to us all being together, we have so much to celebrate and be grateful.  Second, find areas of agreement for buy-in.  Say something like, I think we all want the same thing, to enjoy our holiday, would you agree it’s best if we make the following subjects off limits?”  

If a conversation has gotten out of hand, how can people work to repair family relationships?
The adage goes… do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? Focus on what you can do to repair the relationship, rather than holding on to being right and expecting the other person to come to you. Reaching out to mend hurts is the first step toward healing.  Next, focus on the relationship, rather than the issue that led to the discord.  Chances are it will be difficult to come to an agreement on the issue.  However, sharing that the relationship and the person are more important than any issue, increases the chances both parties can focus on what matters most, each other and repairing the relationship.   

How important is listening in defusing and repairing relationships?
Take a lesson on the importance of listening from the top negotiators in the world; they know the ability to listen to understand and empathize is the most powerful skill to defuse and get things done.  Statistics show that 65% of divorces are due to lack of communication.  People are thirsting to be understood, it is a rare experience, even in our most intimate relationships.  Listening is the skill that diffuses, repairs, and ensures we have relationships that thrive.  Unfortunately, listening is a skill we are rarely creating a listening deficit leading to consequences that are staggering. Be intentional about learning to be a better listener, because good intentions are not enough to be successful.