According to AdoptiveFamilies.com, “10% of adoptions disrupt (fail between placement and finalization).” Just as former Radio City Rockette turned Spiritual Teacher and Empowerment Transformation Coach, Nikol Rogers’ adoption of a baby boy was about to go through the adoptive mother pulled out at the last minute. This devastating news happened serendipitously around the time the daughter she was meant to be united with, and call her own, was born. As an adoptive mother she says “you take all the risk and have to put all your faith in the birth mother.”
Her new book, 13: One Woman’s Sacred Journey to Discovering Her Greatest Power (Zenred / November 2, 2023 / $13.99), details how her first marriage dissolved because he did not want children and how she worked to rebuild her life with someone who had the same dreams of a family as she does.
For Adoption Awareness Month, I had a chance to interview to Nikol Rogers, former Rockette turned Spiritual Teacher and Empowerment Transformation Coach, on her journey to becoming an adoptive mother.
How can adoption be a test of faith for adoptive families?
If adoption had a subtitle, from my experience, I would say it is a true test of faith. As an adoptive parent, you truly have no control over the outcome. You take all the risk. You take the financial, the emotional, and the mental risk when you enter into the world of adoption. Nothing is guaranteed, and yet you are asked to step forward and take action as if what you desire most will happen. My husband and I were matched with a birth mother after only being active for seven weeks with our consultant, and were amazed at how fast it seemed to come together. However, it was a long match with the birth mother as she was just entering her second trimester. So, we moved forward with our hearts open, and set up our nursery, started a registry, and planned for a little boy to enter our home in six months. We nurtured the relationship with the birth mother and dived into education around being trauma informed parents. And then, a month before the due date, the birth mother changed her mind. We were devastated, but because our first match had happened so quickly, we assumed we would have a quick turnaround. So, we wiped our tears, and dived right back into the arena. But we kept hearing “no” after “no”. We were submitting for so many situations with no luck. Months later, I knew there was no choice left but to surrender to faith. It was clear our child was not coming on the timeline we had hoped for, or mistakenly thought we had any control over. We went through another holiday season praying this would be our last without our child, and watched the ball drop on 2023 placing all of our energy on faith. Then, on January 19th, we got the call to drive through the night and hold our daughter for the first time. The only thing that sustained us through such an emotional journey was faith. It was the anchor that helped us stay the course and stay connected to our vision of creating a family.
What are some of the risks of the adoption process that many people may not know about?
When my husband and I entered into the world of adoption, it was a crash course in risk taking. We learned that we could support a birth mother for months financially (paying living expenses) and lose all that money if she changed her mind. We learned that many agencies and lawyers within the industry will gouge their pricing, taking advantage of adoptive parents who are desperate to create a family. There were many “fees” we had to ask questions about, and gain understanding about where our money was actually going. And probably the largest risk is around in utero exposure. Thankfully, the professionals we worked with required us to take a class to learn about different drugs and their effects on the fetus. We were given so much powerful information that allowed us to look at each situation, and assess how comfortable we were with the drugs the birth mother was using. It was shocking to learn that many drugs actually don’t have a lasting effect, if the infant’s care addresses the exposure in the first few months after birth. This was so helpful as we knew what questions to ask of medical professionals, and the NICU staff when we arrived at the hospital. However, it’s important to know that when a birth mother fills out the form with the agency or lawyer they have signed up with, they may not feel comfortable sharing the whole truth. You may not know the true level of exposure, until the child is born, so there is a risk you take with any birth mother who is an addict, which I believe we were told is around 80% at this point.
How can adoptive parents foster connection with their child while still honoring their child’s biological parents?
This starts from day one, and is really a very important part of the adoption triad, which is made up of the adoptive parents, the adoptee, and the birth parents. As an adoptive parent, you can begin by telling your child their birth story when they are first in your arms, and on a regular basis. You can share with them in appropriate language how they came to your home and share what you know of their birth parents. We did and continue to do this with our daughter who is under a year old, but understands. Also, if the adoption is open, keep communication flowing with the birth parents or any kin to the birth parents. This may be through texts, emails, or some kind of private messaging you set up, but it allows the triad to be alive and nurtured. Lastly, one of the greatest gifts you can give your adopted child is a Life Book. This is something you create with your child and there are many amazing templates out there to choose from. The Life Book will become an anchor of identity for your child, and they can draw in it, put pictures, and write down all the events of their life as it unfolds in your home. If you have photos of the birth parents, put them in the Life Book, and if not, allow your child to draw what they believe their birth parents look like. Offer whatever information you have, and if there is no communication or the adoption is closed, work with an adoption professional to find language that honors their birth parent and allows the child to create some kind of healthy bond and understanding. In all cases, your deepest connection will always come from honesty. Be honest with your child, because then you are cultivating a deep trust that will nourish their well being for life as they navigate any challenges that arise.
How is bringing an adoptive child home - even an infant - different than bringing a biological child home after birth?
As I’ve never brought a biological child home after birth, I can really only speak about our experience. It could be easy for me to make all kinds of assumptions, but the truth is whether an infant is biological or adopted, there are common themes that run through both, themes of fear, sleep deprivation, anxiety, worry, and absolute elation. For us, it had been such a rocky journey to our family. We had tried IVF, experienced a miscarriage and a disrupted adoption all before we got the miraculous call. So, the first month was like riding the biggest high. I wasn’t getting any sleep and barely eating, but was so amazed and in awe that the deepest desire of my heart had finally come true. It was an eleven year journey for me as a woman to motherhood, so there was a lot built up. That energy spilled out and fueled me in each challenge of meeting our daughter’s needs. We made the decision to prioritize bonding so our daughter was not put down for five weeks. We held her the entire time, and took turns holding her as she slept in the glider. We let her know we were here to care for her, and took her to a chiropractor to help her body to heal after a NICU stay. In the second month, all the sleep deprivation kicked in, and I got a debilitating migraine. I was crying because my head hurt so much and my daughter was crying too. The surge of energy from the month before was tapped out and I posted on social media sharing how vulnerable I felt. That post prompted an endless stream of messages, texts and support from so many parents in my life. Some were adoptive, but most were biological. It appeared my experience touched them and reminded them of the early days when they brought their child home too. It appeared at that moment that we had so much more in common than differences and I now have a beautiful mix of parents to connect with and gain support on this journey.
ABOUT NIKOL ROGERS:
Nikól Rogers is a speaker, writer, and empowerment coach who helps people reclaim their confidence, expand their perfect audience, and bring their fearless vision to life. She has taught her ZenRed Method globally, which teaches you how to re-frame how you think, feel, and act from a place of power, rather than from fear or limiting beliefs. This has helped her clients become more confident versions of themselves and in alignment with their true purpose through her signature course, Powerful Presence. She is the author of the new book, 13: One Woman’s Sacred Journey to Discovering Her Greatest Power (Zenred / November 2, 2023 / $13.99).
With a 20 year professional performance career that includes kicking eye high as a Rockette, Nikól has stood on countless stages. Her work is greatly influenced by her Zen practice, Qi Gong, Nonviolent Communication, and her decades of experience as an Artist. Nikól teaches that the heart of transformation lies in discovering who you are. It is this journey that unlocks a person’s greatest power, and allows you to manifest a life you love. Her clients and students have published books, sold out events and concerts, created Solo shows, spoken on large stages, and created award winning businesses that feed and nourish them. Nikól lives in New Jersey with her life partner and family, and can be found regularly holding binoculars, standing in nature, and fawning over birds.
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