Parenting Pointers - Stressful Grandparent Relationships

 Everyone’s a critic, and unfortunately, grandparents are not always an exception to that rule. I had a chance to interview an experienced family psychotherapist Matt Lundquist about the pressures grandparents can place on married couples, and its impact on the children, the couple, and their relationship.

Are the grandparents' involvement always to the benefit of grandchildren? The answer, it turns out, can be quite complicated. A recent Virginia case shows how the law has struggled to deal with the problem, but families must deal with these stressors every day. Dealing with them can be difficult for parents and children alike.

Why do people sometimes overlook the impact grandparents can have on relationships?

Success in the United States often comes with further distance from extended family, of course including grandparents. https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/05/living-close-to-family-parents/629819/

We certainly can make things work without grandparents, especially if we're not financially reliant on them for childcare. Like many things that get deprioritized, it's not something we see in a balance sheet but affects our quality of life dramatically. Grandparents are, of course, also parents and, often, in-laws, which is to say that having grandparents around introduces an additional set of relationships that needs to be managed.

How can families identify when they need to set boundaries with grandparents?

Boundaries are essential in all relationships and it's always best, when possible, to talk about expectations and limits beforehand so things can be addressed before challenges--and the intense feelings that can come along with those challenges--emerge. But not everything can be anticipated and certain situations are new to everyone--like a new baby/ first grandchild. We have a saying as family therapists "Move towards the problem" meaning, when something starts to emerge there's a tendency to wish it away--"Oh, that wasn't such a big deal" but small problems can easily turn into bigger problems and it's almost always better to address them, directly, head on (and before frustrations and misunderstandings can fester and grow).

How can a therapist help with managing difficult grandparent situations?

Firstly, we provide a curated space to talk about hard feelings, helping everyone here one another. Ideally, however, therapists also encourage families to talk about what's not being talked about. While the present situation--cohabitating with a new baby, for eg, or planning a vacation might need attention, historical issues are very often at play and the current difficulty indicates that old hurts, perhaps from childhood, need attention.

What challenges are often faced by the in-law with difficult grandparent relationships?

It certainly adds a new element. The "in-law" diad or triad is one in which so much of the set up is organized with intimacy--sharing space, traveling together, the intimacy of raising children; and yet often the in-laws don't know one another especially well. In most cases everyone else is related and lived together for many years. This juxtaposition means navigating both very close and very new relationships at the same time.

In-law relationships are also ripe for transposing feelings about one's own parents onto the in-law. For eg, a mother is frustrated with some of the limits her daughter has put on activities she can do with her grandchild and the mother directs frustration at her daughter's wife, rather than her own daughter. Or an adult man is upset with his own father for some childhood mistreatment but directs those feelings on his father-in-law, with whom it's easier to tolerate those feelings.

You can learn more about therapy, mental health, and relationships in the Tribeca Therapy blog.

 Matt Lundquist, LCSW, MSED, is a Columbia University-trained psychotherapist with almost two decades of experience working with children, adolescents, and families.