By Ryan Joseph Kopyar
The term “frenemy” refers to a person or entity who acts as both a friend and an enemy, often displaying contradictory behaviors of friendship, passive aggressiveness or even hostility, this term typifies a complex relationship characterized by a mix of camaraderie and competition, trust and distrust, or cooperation and conflict. While a frenemy is may appear friendly on the surface, they also harbor underlying animosity or engage in ways that undermine trust and goodwill.
In many ways, situations with "frenemies" can help us recognize our best traits. Despite sounding counterintuitive, by reading between the lines, we can identify what triggers our "frenemy." It could be the way we dress, our interactions with colleagues, or our punctuality and meeting deadlines. Essentially, our success points or unique qualities are what trigger our frenemy.
"Frenemies" in the workplace or in your personal and social life are often individuals triggered by some aspect of you; it's typically something they see in you that they wish they had in themselves. They find themselves in a "tug of war" between wanting to be your friend because they admire that aspect of you, while also being your enemy due to jealousy or resentment over the fact that you embody what they wish they could.
The best way to handle such situations is to first be aware of what's happening. Next, approach the "frenemy" with empathy, having a vulnerable and non-accusatory conversation. To address the issue, acknowledge your frenemy positively, express curiosity about any threat or discomfort they may feel, and encourage an open dialogue. An effective method is the 'ice cream sandwich approach,' where you lead with something positive, address the issue directly, and end with something positive.
For example: "Hey, Jane, I appreciate your acknowledgment for submitting that project ahead of the deadline in the meeting earlier. I could be off, but I sensed some discomfort on your part. I wanted to ask you privately about your thoughts, feelings, and emotions on this." After hearing their response, respond back with gratitude: "Thank you for sharing your feedback. If it's okay, I'd like more open dialogue in the future. I'm open to improving, and I'd appreciate your help. If there's any way I can support you, I'm here for that too."
These conversations, while vulnerable and empathetic, can still be direct and firm. They provide clarity for both parties on boundaries, hopes and expectations, while at the same time fostering a healthy, respectful work relationship. As is the case in all relationships, there is no hard and fast rule, and no outcome to be guaranteed. Here’s what I can say, having conversations like this could help the “frenemy" turn into a true friend, but at the very least, it should help to set healthy boundaries with your fellow colleagues.
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Professional Counselor Associate Ryan Joseph Kopyar, LMHCA, RCC, CPT & CSN is an acclaimed Emotional Intelligence and Mental Health Expert and International Keynote Speaker. A transformational figure in the fields of psychology and personal development, Kopyar is also author of “Unlock The Power of Your Mind: How to Change Your Life by Changing Your Thoughts” and “Big Boys Do Cry: A Man’s Guide to Navigating Emotions and Showing Up More Vulnerable in Relationships.” Other of his life-changing work includes his “Reconnect to Your Greatness” program, which teaches people how to remove the obstacles preventing them from realizing the happy and fulfilled life they want to live. Connect with Kopyar online at https://ryankopyarholistichealing.com.
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