A new memoir by Patricia Bonis called, “Jeddah Bride” reveals the results of her whirlwind romance and eventual marriage to a wealthy Saudi man and the culture shock she experienced as an American woman when she eventually moved with him to his country.
I had a chance to learn more in this interview.
· How did you go from being an independent, free-spirited girl to falling for a man who was from one of the most repressive countries (toward women) in the world – Saudi Arabia?
I fell deeply in love at first sight with this man at the age of 18. I didn't listen when I was warned, I was determined to be with him, no matter where I had to go. In fact, in those days, it was considered very exciting to venture to the Middle East. Not many people had been there and I received so much attention when I spoke of it that I felt encouraged and more determined than ever.
· Was it youthful naivete that made you think that it would all work out with him once you were in his country? Absolutely yes. I had never experienced real adversity and I had grown up in a place where freedom was taken so much for granted that I could not imagine what the absence of freedom would be like. I assumed that if I was strong enough and determined enough I could stand up for myself and I would win. It was sobering when I realized that I could easily get myself killed or jailed in a place like Jeddah.
· When you were living in his home town of Jeddah, how did you survive the total lack of freedom women have there? After I got over the shock and realized that there was nothing I could do and nowhere to go, I tried to cleverly craft a life for myself with the few friends I had met and the limited activities that were available to me. The book describes my life there in detail and luckily my husband decided to return to graduate school, allowing us to move to Washington DC.
· What were the biggest shocks you experienced in this culture? Within the first few months that I lived in Saudi Arabia, I witnessed a Saudi woman being stoned to death openly in the town square. No one was shocked except me. They were all used to it as a weekly event. Then I went to a funeral for a lady and her two children who were tied up with electrical wire by her husband who suspected her of adultery. He had electrocuted the three of them and escaped to his home town of Medina. At that funeral, there was no outrage, no accusation of wrongdoing, just sorrow and acceptance for the way the culture works. For me, the fact that everyone accepted the way it was and no one attempted to change things was the most unbelievable part of my experience in Saudi Arabia. I lost hope that I could ever fit in there.
· From what you know, is it the same now as it had been when you were there? Has anything really changed? They claim that things have improved and life is more modern and Western, but I somehow doubt that. I see magazine articles showing exotic Red Sea resorts created by world class architects, and I know that women are now allowed to drive and can leave the country unaccompanied by a male family member, but somehow, I wonder if this is just for show. I personally would never venture back to that country.
· What were your challenges when your children came along and what is your relationship like now with the two children produced from this marriage? My challenges, when I first became re-acquainted with my two children after 14 years of no contact were many. First, I had to stamp out my anger when I realized they were adults, that their entire childhoods had been forever stolen from me. They were raised in a totally different culture and I had to accept that I could not imprint anything on them as their mother at that point. Then I had to tackle their acceptance of what had been done to both them and to me, somehow coming to a truce that we wouldn't discuss the past and place blame on anyone. On these conditions, I now have good relationships with both of my children and with several members of the family.
· What would you advise women about falling in love with a man that you wish you knew better with regard to his character, background, upbringing, and culture? Be very cautious, meet the family, and investigate what the laws are if you are going to live in a foreign country with him. Sacrificing your safety is never a good idea. Often these men appear very Westernized when living in the US, but quickly revert to the old mold as soon as they are back at home. My husband dressed Italian, spoke with a British accent, drank French wines and stayed out all night dancing with me in clubs when I met him. Imagining how much he would change when we went back to Saudi was simply not possible. Unfortunately I had already invested several years with him and didn't want to admit what I learned. And once you have children, it's a whole different ball game. Now you have a lifetime struggle on your hands.
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