"Gaslighting is not about disagreement; it is a deliberate attempt to distort reality and make someone doubt their own experiences. True strength lies in taking responsibility, not in denying the truth."
In the last few years, the word “Gaslight” has become a very dangerous interpersonal “go-to” in the heat of conflict and confrontation. This term refers to when one person invalidates another’s experience even when all the evidence points back to them.
“Gaslighting,” which has been woven into American pop culture, actually came from the 1944 psychological thriller “Gaslight” directed by George Cukor. The film is about a husband (played by Charles Boyer) whose goal is to trick his wife (Ingrid Bergman) into believing that she is literally going insane in order to distract her from his criminal shenanigans, and it nearly works!
What Qualifies As Gaslighting?
Today “Gaslighting” has morphed into a similar version in which one partner refutes and rejects the other’s experience in order to avoid the consequences. This dynamic, unlike the film, is really about one person who uses denial and deflection to avoid admitting mistakes and understanding how their behavior affects the other person. It’s the classic play “I’m not the crazy one – you are!”
How Is Gaslighting Misused, And Why It Is Harmful
This tactic is basically a defensive combo-platter of deny and deflect. Denial “I did no such thing” and deflect – “You’re the one who started it”. Both of these maladaptive strategies add up to people not taking responsibility for their actions.
This one-two punch often does more harm to the other person than the initial infraction that they are being accused of! Sadly, when this behavior is not addressed, this type of dynamic can lead to trust issues, an inability to repair the damage of arguments and fights in relationships, and feelings of isolation, all of which can lead to divorce or separation.
Today “Gaslighting” has morphed into a similar version in which one partner refutes and rejects the other’s experience in order to avoid the consequences. This dynamic, unlike the film, is really about one person who uses denial and deflection to avoid admitting mistakes and understanding how their behavior affects the other person. It’s the classic play “I’m not the crazy one – you are!”
How Is Gaslighting Misused, And Why It Is Harmful
This tactic is basically a defensive combo-platter of deny and deflect. Denial “I did no such thing” and deflect – “You’re the one who started it”. Both of these maladaptive strategies add up to people not taking responsibility for their actions.
This one-two punch often does more harm to the other person than the initial infraction that they are being accused of! Sadly, when this behavior is not addressed, this type of dynamic can lead to trust issues, an inability to repair the damage of arguments and fights in relationships, and feelings of isolation, all of which can lead to divorce or separation.
What To Say Instead Of Gaslighting
Let’s break this down to its core psychological principles.
According to relationship expert JohnGottman, the scientific word for taking responsibility for one’s actions is called “accepting influence,” and it is, no doubt, one of the main obstacles when it comes to navigating the way through conflict in relationships. Without it, there is no understanding one another, no apologies, and zero kiss and make-up moments.
In a nutshell, if everyone just had the courage to accept influence when it comes to interactions with a loved one, the world would be a much better place. When we shift from denial and deflection to accountability and understanding, we create stronger, healthier relationships built on trust. True connection comes not from winning an argument but from listening, learning, and growing together.
There is no higher level of human functioning than taking responsibility for one's actions; In fact, it is one of the most important tactics for rockstar communication!
Kelley J. Brower
Couples & Families Counselor, LMHC
While she was a freelance artist in the entertainment world for over 30 years, Kelley earned a slew of professional coaching certifications and started coaching an assortment of creative folks for 9 years. At the crack of her 40’s, she worked as a volunteer peer counselor for the LGBTQ community, where her unfolding love for the flotsam and Jetsam of human behavior led her to Hunter College for a Masters in Mental Health Counseling.
Specializing in Couples and Relationship therapy, Kelley completed all 3 levels of The Gottman Couples Therapy training and has been working with couples of all sizes, shapes, and colors for the last 8 years.
When the virus reared its ghastly snout…Kelley dove nose deep into infectious disease training, compassion focused therapy and earned a certification in First Responder Crisis Counseling.
As a Couples Counselor, Kelley believes that when creativity and humor are blended with hard science, they can not only be powerful therapeutic tools but can also bring joy & laughter into the psychological journey.
Let’s break this down to its core psychological principles.
According to relationship expert JohnGottman, the scientific word for taking responsibility for one’s actions is called “accepting influence,” and it is, no doubt, one of the main obstacles when it comes to navigating the way through conflict in relationships. Without it, there is no understanding one another, no apologies, and zero kiss and make-up moments.
In a nutshell, if everyone just had the courage to accept influence when it comes to interactions with a loved one, the world would be a much better place. When we shift from denial and deflection to accountability and understanding, we create stronger, healthier relationships built on trust. True connection comes not from winning an argument but from listening, learning, and growing together.
There is no higher level of human functioning than taking responsibility for one's actions; In fact, it is one of the most important tactics for rockstar communication!
Kelley J. Brower
Couples & Families Counselor, LMHC
While she was a freelance artist in the entertainment world for over 30 years, Kelley earned a slew of professional coaching certifications and started coaching an assortment of creative folks for 9 years. At the crack of her 40’s, she worked as a volunteer peer counselor for the LGBTQ community, where her unfolding love for the flotsam and Jetsam of human behavior led her to Hunter College for a Masters in Mental Health Counseling.
Specializing in Couples and Relationship therapy, Kelley completed all 3 levels of The Gottman Couples Therapy training and has been working with couples of all sizes, shapes, and colors for the last 8 years.
When the virus reared its ghastly snout…Kelley dove nose deep into infectious disease training, compassion focused therapy and earned a certification in First Responder Crisis Counseling.
As a Couples Counselor, Kelley believes that when creativity and humor are blended with hard science, they can not only be powerful therapeutic tools but can also bring joy & laughter into the psychological journey.
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