In What Do I Want to Be When They Grow Up? (And Other Thoughts from a 40-Something Mom), renowned parenting influencer Karen Johnson provides a fun, easy-to-understand, and inspiring guide for mothers currently experiencing an empty nest, or who see one on the horizon, and are looking to lead their best, most fulfilling lives and feel comfortable that they're not alone in their struggles. This book draws upon stories and experiences from Johnson and mothers around her, helping readers seek out new passions, including new career paths, to avoid feeling as if they are solely defined by motherhood.
In this book, Johnson explores topics including:Taking risks, putting yourself out there, getting stronger mentally and physically, and fostering positive relationships
- Navigating the wondrously weird world of perimenopause and aging bodies with confidence, knowledge, and grace
- Working through the very real emotions of guilt, anxiety, failure, and shame that often accompany this transitory period in mothers' lives
What Do I Want to Be When They Grow Up? (And Other Thoughts from a 40-Something Mom) earns a well deserved spot on the bookshelves of all mothers seeking to develop individualism, mindfulness, and genuine feelings of contentment and happiness as they turn the page to the next chapter of their lives.
I had a chance to learn more in this interview.
Why is it important for parents and caregivers to think about what happens after the kids are grown?
Thinking about this time in our lives (before it happens) is crucial to our wellbeing and to our relationships, especially our marriages and relationships with our children. For so long, our role as “mom” has defined who we are, and most of us knew that was part of the gig—we embraced it. But one of the core tenets of good parenting is to strengthen our children’s wings so they can fly off and live their own lives. If we’ve given no thought and spent no time planning what and who we’ll be when that happens, we might resent them for leaving. We might still cling to an unhealthy attachment to them, which inhibits their ability to be independent.
Also, my husband and I very much want to enjoy our lives together after our kids have grown up. We want to like each other when it’s just the two of us. That means knowing what we need individually and as a couple. For example, I need personal space and alone time. My husband—not so much. He, however, needs to keep busy and hates to sit still. We both love to travel and often spend our time planning future vacations that we may or may not take.
The point is, in order for us moms to have a healthy sense of self after our children have flown away to live their own lives, and in order for us to have a sustainable relationship with them as well as with our partners, we have to do the work now. Before they go. We have to start learning about ourselves, figuring out what we need to thrive, and taking some steps to ensure strong footing as we venture down this new path.
How can those who have defined a large part of their lives around their kids make the transition to being empty nesters?
Those of us (like myself) who have revolved our lives around motherhood might find the transition to the “empty nest” challenging, lonely, and lacking in purpose. That’s why we need to reframe this time and look at it as an opportunity to step into the spotlight. To do something for ourselves. To take ownership of our own careers or future dreams and aspirations.
This is when we ask ourselves, what are the hobbies and interests we buried all those years because we didn’t have time? What would a new career endeavor look like for us now? Or a passion project like volunteering or starting a small business?
We have to accept that our lives are going to change. We cannot expect our grown children to fulfill the role that motherhood filled all those years, so now it’s up to us to figure out what, exactly, we’ll fill our days with. We can look at this transition with sadness, or we can look at it with joyful optimism. I choose option 2. We’ve still got a lot of years left on this planet—what are we doing to do with them?
How can families continue to foster strong relationships with their new adults?
Finding a balance between still being “Mom” and “Dad” while letting our adult kids be… well, adults, is tricky. Our kids might take a path in life we wish they didn’t take. Maybe they move far away or switch careers after all that college we paid for. Or maybe they’re in a relationship that we don’t think is right for them.
But they’re adults now, like us. We have to let go, but we don’t have to give up our spot on the sidelines. We can still continue to cheer them on as we have all these years, but after we’ve given congratulatory hugs, we have to accept that they are going back to their house, to live their own lives now.
We have to respect their boundaries—if they say, “Don’t come over unannounced”, then, don’t.
We have to refrain from offering unsolicited advice. If you think they should have their baby in a hospital and not a pool at home, you can certainly ask how they came to this decision, but in the end, it’s not your decision to make.
We have to accept that our grown adult kids are going to make their own choices—choices we maybe wouldn’t make. We can call and hope they answer. We can invite them over and hope they say yes. But the one rule we have to follow, which will likely dictate whether they answer the phone or say yes to our invite, is letting them be their own people with their own convictions.
If they vote differently than we do, we can talk about it.
If they’re suddenly vegan, we can ask them what drew them to that lifestyle.
If they quit their job and are forging a new path, we can tell them we’re rooting for them to find success and fulfillment.
And then we can say, “I’m here. Call me or come by anytime.” And if our newly vegan kid accepts our invite, maybe that’s when we cook up a veggies-only recipe as a way to say, “I don’t understand, but I love you, and I’m trying.”
Karen Johnson, a.k.a. The 21st Century SAHM, is a former high school English teacher, turned SAHM of three, turned writer, who lives in Wisconsin. Throughout her decades-long career in the online and in-print writing world, Johnson has covered every parenting topic under the sun, from being an allergy mom to raising a strong-willed child to navigating the tumultuous ride of raising teens. She has stood by her belief from the very beginning that we need humor to survive this crazy life of parenthood, and that we are all better mothers if we support one another.
Johnson has essays featured in Lose the Cape: Never Will I Ever (and then I had Kids!), The Unofficial Guide to Surviving Life With Boys: Hilarious & Heartwarming Stories About Raising Boys From The Boymom Squad, and is the author of I Brushed My Hair Today: A Mom Journal for Mostly Together Moms.
Johnson’s writing also has been featured on a long list of parenting websites including Scary Mommy, Parenting Teens and Tweens, Her View From Home, KC Parent Magazine, Today Parents, and Motherly, among others.
Johnson graduated from the College of the Holy Cross with a B.A. in English and Secondary Education. While a student at Holy Cross, Johnson studied abroad for her entire junior year at the University of York in York, England. She later went on to earn an M.A. in Secondary Education from the University of Omaha.
Johnson and her husband have hopped from state to state throughout their adult life, which means she taught high school English in Massachusetts, Nebraska, and Wisconsin before jumping into the SAHM life for eight years in Kansas and eventually moving back to Wisconsin. She’s most grateful for this last move, as living in a place with endless lakes, mild summers, and small bugs is her favorite.
When not sitting at her computer, Johnson enjoys working out, walking her dog, and listening to podcasts about history, politics, or anything else that activates her brain cells. She’s also an avid reader and loves to travel with her family. Because she has three busy kids (none of whom have their license yet) her other home is her beloved mini-van that smells like hockey equipment and teenage angst.
You can find more information about Karen Johnson on her website the21stcenturysahm.com and find her on all social media as The 21st Century SAHM.
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