Ilyssa Panitz, longtime entertainment journalist, became a leading voice on divorce and co-parenting after going through it herself—and realizing no one in mainstream media was covering it as a dedicated beat.
I had a chance to interview her to learn more.
How can parents make co-parenting work when one parent isn't as cooperative?
The trick to making co-parenting work when one side doesn’t want to play ball is to stay in your lane and navigate around the pothole. What do I mean by this? Don’t veer over to their side because when you do, you may find the urge to yell at them for not cooperating and that will only ignite an inferno and cause more problems. Instead, take a step back and see how you can alleviate the problem. For example, let’s say your son or daughter forgot to bring their soccer bag to Parent #2’s residence where they are visiting for the weekend. They tell you Parent #2 refuses to pick it up at your house. Instead of calling or texting a nasty message, find a solution. If you are nearby, bring it to the field and find a private place for them to change. If you are away, jump onto the team chat with other parents and ask if they can loan your child some extra equipment for the day. Not only will you look like the hero to your kid, but you will show you “ex” there is nothing you can’t fix!
Why is it important to focus on making kids feel safe and secure after a divorce?
Kids thrive in a stable and familiar environment. Unfortunately, a divorce can crumble that foundation, which can be scary and frightening. The trick to allaying a child’s fear during an unsettling time is to be present as much as possible because you being around you is something they are accustomed to. Another tip is to try to keep their schedules and routines consistent since that’s familiar to them and they know what to expect. For instance, if dinner is at six, bathtime at 7pm and story time at 8pm, stay on that course. Also, create a protected space where the children can talk to you about how they are feeling. You need to be a good listener and let them express what is on their mind. Kids tend to feel comfortable opening-up when you do activities such as baking, coloring, taking a drive or going for ice cream. You can even plan a regular date-night with each child and let them pick what they want to do. If your children are having trouble falling asleep, lie next to them and try playing some calming music.
How can parents set healthy boundaries with their exes, while still acknowledging both parents' role in their children's lives?
One: stick to only talking about matters pertaining to the kids such as school schedules, extra-circular activity calendar, religious/volunteer commitments, team game schedule, upcoming doctor appointments, confirming the visitation arrangement and upcoming vacations.
Two: Keep the conversations, texts or e-mails brief. The only information you should be exchanging is what I cited above.
Three: Stop following each other on social media. In my experience, when exes see their former spouse on Facebook or Instagram with a new partner, out with friends or at a party, they pump the kids for more information. Don’t put your kids in the middle! You can both spare your children this stress by agreeing to unfriend each other.
Four: If you see each other at your kids’ games, school function or birthday party, be cordial and stay focused as to why you are there . . . to celebrate your child. I recommend sitting on opposite sides of the room or the field if both sides are still healing from the divorce. I also suggest not bringing a new partner to these outings because that could cause a conflict.
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