All adults and many children face grief; it is a uniting factor for all humans. Yet, in this country we have lost the ability to grieve. We feel we should hide our grief behind smiles, move on quickly, somehow be able to let go of the deep, deep sadness that we truly feel.
Scientists have shown that unresolved grief has many manifestations in both the human body and mind, as it creates depression, sleeplessness, anxiety, anger and aislation, along with many illnesses such a cancer and heart problems.
Grief is real and a natural result of loss. If we do not acknoledge our feelings, we will suffer in some way, and those around us will also suffer.
When my friend lost her husband to cancer two years ago, I invited her to my home to talk and have a cup of tea. When we sat at the table, I took her hand and asked her to tell me whatever she wanted to or needed to say. That was befriending my grieving friend—taking her hand and listening.
We must learn to do the same with grief. Rather than run away as fast as we can, we need to sit down, be quiet and listen. We can actually say to ourselves, “I feel so sad. What do I need to know or do?” Then we need to listen and accept whatever comes up. We may need to cry or we may feel angry. Nothing is right or wrong—they are all normal reactions to grief.
I always suggest to anyone grieving, that the first step is to find a professional with whom to speak. This may be a therapist, a well trained grief coach, a minister, a grief group, either in person or online. A professional can guide us through our feelings, which are always many and diverse. This is a powerful way to befriend grief. I was truly blessed to have three different counselors who listened and helped me greatly.
Another very powerful way to deal with our grief is to write letters to the person who has passed. Many people journal, but when we sit down to write a letter and begin with DEAR…., immediately we are making a connection in our mind and heart with that person. Memories or feelings begin to surface.
One of the gifts of writing letters is that NO ONE ever has to read them. When done, we can throw them all away. As a result, we feel free to express whatever we may need to say. All human relationships are very complex, so when we lose someone, we may also need to express frustration or we made need to resolve an old issue that was never addressed. We can do this through writing.
Scientists have proven that, when writing with the hand and ink, especially using cursive, we actually allow the feelings that have been stuck in our hearts to flow down the arm and out onto the paper. Typing an email or text may be helpful in some way, but it will not allow us to actually release the emotions, as happens when writing by hand.
I loved my mother and I knew she loved me, but she was always very busy. Writing letters to her after her death allowed me the opportunity to sit down, as if the two of us were at the kitchen table talking. It always felt like we were together.
I wrote to my mother during eight years, so I wrote hundreds of letters. During that time, my mother ofter came into vivid dreams to bring me messages. Twice, after finishing a letter to her, I could hear her voice and so I took dictation, and she actually wrote me back.
One of the greatest gifts for me after writing to my mother, was a deep sense of compassion both toward my mother and myself. As I wrote about my childhood, I began to see my mother from an adult standpoint, not the little child within me. Seeing that bigger picture allowed me to finally understand why my mother was so busy. Rather than resenting her for that, I truly admired her for all she had to do in her life.
When we can find compassion for ourselves and an intimate friend/famiy member, we automatically send that compassion out into the world. That becomes the grace of grief, the blessing.
I want to share one dream about my mother. One night, in my dream I saw my mother come into my bedroom with a suitcase. In the dream I understood that she had to travel but would be back later. I had no idea why. Two days later I learned that EXACTLY at the time my mother appeared in my dream, her dear sister was taking her husband to the ER for a serious health matter—in another state. The minute I learned that, I understood the dream.
When we allow time for grief, we begin to calm our nervous system and find inner peace. We learn compassion that helps us see the world in a different way. We suddenly find ourselves feeling deep compassion toward anyone grieving, or ill or dealing with any issue. We want to help. How wonderful would our world be if we could feel empathy and a desire to connect with others rather than feeling divided and defensive.
In my own journey from grief to grace through letter writing, I found not only renewed hope and authentic joy but also a new loving relationship with my mother. That was an unexpected blessing for which I will always be deeply grateful.
Love,
Helen
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