Parenting Pointers - The Collaborative Co-Parent

As a family lawyer, Gabriella Pomare has supported countless clients through separation, but nothing truly prepared her for navigating co-parenting from the inside. Her journey inspired her forthcoming book, The Collaborative Co-Parent: Co-Parenting Made Dignified, Simple Collaborative (January 2026, Morgan James Publishing).

“Suddenly, I was living the emotional rollercoaster I had only observed professionally — balancing sleepless nights, legal knowledge, and the overwhelming desire to protect my child’s sense of stability and love,” says Pomare. “In those raw early days, I realized just how vital a practical, compassionate guide would be for parents like me — and that’s when the idea for this book took root. It became a way to blend my professional insight with lived experience, offering other parents the tools, empathy, and hope I wish I had when I needed it most.”

Can you tell us about how your work as a family lawyer inspired you to write The Collaborative Co-Parent?
The idea for The Collaborative Co-Parent was born out of both my professional life and a very personal experience. For years, I sat across the table from parents navigating separation... many of them heartbroken, overwhelmed, and unsure of how to protect their children through it. I offered them legal advice, support, and strategy, but what I always wished I could give them was a roadmap for the emotional side. Something human, relatable, and practical.

Then my own separation happened. I had a one-year-old at the time, and suddenly I wasn’t just the lawyer in the room, I was the client. I was the one lying in bed worrying after changeovers, the one stressing if my son would feel secure in both homes. And even with all my legal knowledge, I still felt totally lost emotionally.

That’s when the idea really took root. I realised that there wasn’t a resource that blended lived experience with professional insight, something that acknowledged both the legal complexities and the emotional chaos of co-parenting. So, I wrote it. For the clients I’ve helped, for the parent I became, and for anyone walking through the fire of separation and wondering how to come out stronger on the other side...not just for themselves, but for their kids.

You talk a lot in your book about the importance of co-parents focusing their relationship on caring for their children. Would you give different advice to co-parents depending on how old their children are at the time of separation?
Yes, definitely. The core values stay the same, prioritising your child’s emotional safety, maintaining respectful communication, and trying to create a sense of stability between homes, but the way you apply those values really depends on the child’s age and stage.

For very young children, routine and consistency are everything. They don’t understand the concept of time, so long gaps between seeing a parent can feel like abandonment. With toddlers and preschoolers, I often recommend short, frequent time with both parents to build secure attachment, even if that means being flexible or creative with your schedules.

With primary school-aged kids, the focus shifts a bit. They’re starting to process what’s going on, so co-parents need to be mindful of how they talk about the separation. Clear, age-appropriate communication is key and children this age thrive when they know what to expect.

Teenagers are different again. They crave autonomy. The biggest trap parents fall into is trying to control everything. At this stage, it’s about listening more than talking, keeping them in the loop, and respecting their views (without burdening them with adult decisions). Teenagers also pick up on tension instantly, so modelling calm, low-conflict communication is vital.

So yes ... co-parenting isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach. The way we show up for our children has to evolve as they grow. What doesn’t change is this: kids need to know they’re safe, loved, and not caught in the middle.

Co-parenting with someone who is narcissistic or high-conflict presents unique challenges. What’s your advice for keeping the focus on the children without compromising your own mental health?
This is such an important question, because so many parents are quietly carrying the weight of a high-conflict or narcissistic co-parenting dynamic and it can be incredibly draining.

My biggest piece of advice is shift your focus from control to boundaries. You’re not going to change who your co-parent is, but you can change how you respond. That means keeping communication short, factual, and child-focused - almost like you’re writing to a difficult colleague at work. No emotional language, no justifying yourself, no taking the bait.

Use tools that give you space and structure, like co-parenting apps or email only. And document everything, not to create conflict, but to protect your peace.

When the other parent tries to provoke you, remember: your calm is their confusion. Responding with neutrality is a quiet form of power.

Most importantly, protect your mental health like it’s part of your parenting, because it is. Your child doesn’t just need time with you; they need the best version of you you’re able to give. That might mean therapy, a support group, or just a friend who understands.

You can’t co-parent perfectly in these situations but you model emotional regulation, and show your child what it looks like to be steady in the face of chaos. And over time, that’s what they’ll remember.

Not everyone realizes there are alternatives to court after separation. What options do you recommend to support a more collaborative parenting path?
The last chapter of my book goes into this in detail! So many parents assume that separation automatically leads to court but the truth is, court should be a last resort. It’s stressful, expensive, and often fuels more conflict. The good news is, there are much healthier and more child-focused ways to navigate post-separation parenting.

The first option I recommend is mediation. It’s a structured, confidential process where a neutral third party helps parents reach their own agreements around parenting or property. It allows you to have a voice, explore options, and stay in control of the outcome.

There’s also collaborative law, where each parent has a lawyer, but everyone commits to resolving things without going to court. It’s more holistic and team-based and it works particularly well for parents who want to preserve a working relationship going forward.

And for ongoing conflict or communication struggles, parenting coordination is a brilliant tool. It’s like a post-separation coach who helps parents stick to their parenting plan, resolve day-to-day issues, and stay focused on the children.

What practical steps can parents take to create stability, even if the separation is still fresh or difficult?
Stability is the anchor kids need when everything else around them feels like it’s changing. The first step is consistency. Children thrive on predictability, so try to set up a routine early even if it’s simple, like regular mealtimes, bedtime rituals, or a visual calendar so they know when they’ll see each parent. It gives them a sense of control in a situation they didn’t choose.

Next, be mindful of how you speak about the other parent. Even when it’s hard, avoid blaming language in front of the kids. Your child still sees that person as half of their world. The way you talk about your co-parent teaches them how to feel about themselves.

Keep communication calm and businesslike, especially in those early days when emotions run high. Use texts or emails if talking is too charged. Just aim for clear, child-focused exchanges that reduce tension.

Also, don’t underestimate the power of emotional safety. Let your child know it’s okay to have big feelings. Tell them they’re loved, remind them the separation is not their fault, and keep showing up, even if you don’t have all the answers.

And lastly, take care of yourself, because you are their foundation. Your child needs at least one calm, grounded adult in their life following separation.

Stability doesn’t mean perfection. No co-parent is perfect! It means showing up, being steady, and creating two homes where your child feels safe, seen, and secure.

At one point, you validate the naturalness of a co-parent wondering about their child’s “other” life in an ex partner’s home. How can co-parents learn to navigate being simultaneously aware of this other life and yet, having to live with the uncertainty of not being part of it?
This is one of the most quietly painful parts of co-parenting...the part we don’t talk about enough right? As a parent, you're used to being part of your child’s every moment, the little wins, the bedtime stories, the offhand comments about their day. And then suddenly, there’s this whole part of their life that exists without you. It can feel like a loss every time they walk out the door.

It's completely normal to feel that way. That wondering, that ache, it comes from love. But it can also easily tip into anxiety, control, or resentment if you’re not careful.

What’s helped me, and what I share with parents I work with, is learning to hold the discomfort without trying to fix it. You don’t have to know everything. You don’t have to manage their life in the other home. What matters most is the emotional safety and consistency you create in your home.

Trust is key, not necessarily trust in your ex, but trust in your child’s resilience, in the strength of your connection, and in the foundation you’re building. Over time, kids learn that they are safe and loved in both homes, even if those homes feel different.

The Collaborative Co-Parent: Co-Parenting Made Dignified, Simple Collaborative empowers separating couples to move from hurt to healing—and from conflict to collaboration. Although the family unit is no longer the same, it’s still a family. The book provides parents with strategies for restructuring their family dynamic, putting the right rules and tools in place, and learning to effectively communicate with each other. With warmth, experience, and practical wisdom, family lawyer and co-parenting mother Gabriella Pomare offers a roadmap for co-parenting that prioritizes stability, respect, and the well-being of your children.