Parenting is often regarded as one of the most difficult jobs in the world. These days, on top of all the usual child-rearing ups and downs, parents are now faced with increased levels of crisis stress. Every time we turn around, a new traumatic event pops up to scare the bejesus out of us. It’s easy to fall into an anxiety spiral, and most certainly, unless we get ourselves stabilized, our kids will pay the price. After all, children learn three ways: by example, by example, by example.
What’s a mother to do? First and foremost, parents need to get their own inner houses in order. Stress containment begins with recognizing that, no matter how dire the crisis we’re facing appears to be, we are in control of our approach. Panic and even low anxiety responses are entirely mind-created. We can each decide how to view both personal and global events. The power to calm ourselves down while refusing to focus on worst-case scenarios is in our hands. I know it doesn’t feel that way, but it is.
Things you can immediately begin doing include #1: Those of you who exercise are aware that, first and foremost, we want to strengthen our physical CORE. This is also psychologically true. Taking care of your own emotional well-being will give you the fortitude to take better care of the kids. Good well-being leads to good well-doing. Therefore, I recommend 5-10 minutes of breathing practice in the morning before anyone gets up. This will center and stabilize you. #2: Remind yourself how you’ve already conquered many challenging parental situations, and you’re still here to tell the tale.
#3: Talk directly to your children about the feelings they are experiencing.
When it comes to talking to your kids, perhaps you’ve had poor role models and feel hesitant, nervous, and unprepared for such talks. Here are a few approach ideas:
#1: Start the conversation by sitting in a comfortable place in the house – perhaps in your favorite shared room.
#2: Begin by asking questions such as, “How do you feel about what’s been going on in school?” Don’t accept answers like, “I dunno! Okay – fine, I guess.” Drill down by asking, “If your answer wasn’t okay or fine, what would you say about your feelings? Does what’s happening make you feel angry, sad, or scared?” “What do your friends say about how they feel?” Mirroring makes people feel heard and seen.
#3: As they answer you, mirror back what they say to you, such as, they say, “I feel nervous about even going to school.” You reply, “I get that you feel nervous about going to school.” Then ask: “What are the best and worst kinds of things your school is doing about it all?” Perhaps they’ll respond with, “The lockdown drills are okay, where they teach us to turn off lights, stay quiet, and move out of sight – but the enhanced lockdown where we barricade doors or evacuate, freaks me out. My friend from another school participates in the ALICE training, which stands for Alert, Lockdown, Inform, Counter, and Evacuate. That’s really gnarly.” You respond, “All those measures sound upsetting. Do they make you feel safer?” “I guess,” your kid replies.
#4: Dig deeper. “What do you think could be done?” This question is meant to empower them by letting them know they can, to some degree, decide what they need. In every case, continue to mirror what they say to you.
#5: Let them know they can always come to you with their feelings about any topic, no matter how small or terrible the feelings and/or topics seem to be.
Here’s the good news: These turbulent times present all parents with a wonderful opportunity to enhance their “good parent” communication skills. In truth, discussing tough and sensitive topics is challenging for many; however, offering children a safe space to explore their feelings promotes security, a sense of safety, and prepares them for a future of healthy relationships wherever they go.
If the idea of sitting down with your kids to talk about their tears and fears feels impossible to you, it most likely means you were brought up in a family of emotional secrets – a family that taught old ideas, like children are to be seen and not heard, although not being heard most often leaves us feeling not at all seen. Or maybe it was even worse. Perhaps your family was chaotic and trauma-driven. In that case, you might have learned to shut up and shut down; to avoid emotional intimacy; to repress your feelings; to avoid; to ignore; to deny. Or, maybe, to live in silent overwhelm.
It's time to learn to stand up for your needs and for your children’s psychological well-being. Otherwise, you’re passing forward the awful lessons you were taught. The children need all of us now to understand the wide impact of what’s happening. Be brave. Break your own trauma patterns by reaching out to experts to help you realize and shift those patterns. You will be well served. And so will your children. Today, the conversation is about sending the kids to school, free of fear and full of resolve. Tomorrow, it will be about sending them into the world also free of fear and also full of resolve.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Dr. Nicki J. Monti is a private practice psychotherapist and world-renown teacher, group leader, speaker, television and radio personality, and author of several books, including Stuck In the Story No More: Breaking down the Defenses that Define You and Bind You and Our Love Matters: Find It, Fix it, or Let it Go. She has long been internationally recognized both privately and on reality TV as therapist to the stars. Dr. Nicki’s main interest is identifying and learning how to dance with the patterns that guide our lives. She’s known as a straight-shooting teacher who truly believes that change is a matter of choice. Her soon-to-be-released book, The Divine Traumedy of Nicki Joy: A True Grime Tale, is described as a gritty, witty, provocative, dark, sex-drugs-rock-the-boat cautionary tale about how it’s never too late to learn how to love and live.
Connect with Nicki J. Monti:
Website: https://stucknomore.com/
Instagram: @drnickimonti
Facebook: @drnickimonti
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