Sobriety is hard—and recovery is a full-time job. Parenting is hard—and more than a full-time job.
Sarah Allen Benton is an Advanced Alcohol and Drug Counselor and Licensed Mental Health Counselor. She is Chief Clinical Officer and co-owner of Waterview Behavioral Health. She is co-owner of Benton Behavioral Health Consulting, LLC, offering clinical and business support services to innovative addiction and mental health companies. She holds a Master of Science in Counseling Psychology with an emphasis in Health Psychology.
Sarah has been sober for more than 20 years; she has been a mother for 13.
She is far from alone, approximately 20.9 million consider themselves in recovery from a substance use disorder (SUD). It is fair to say millions are also parents.
In PARENTS IN RECOVERY: Navigating a Sober Family Lifestyle (Rowman & Littlefield), Sarah draws on research, professional expertise and deeply personal experience to support mothers and fathers as they navigate their way through parenting while embracing a sober lifestyle. From “wine mom culture” to social media FOMO, Benton covers every aspect of living sober while raising children.
PARENTS IN RECOVERY includes helpful information for mothers AND fathers who had become sober before having children as well as those parents just beginning their commitment to recovery. Sarah focuses on maintaining physical, emotional, social, spiritual, behavioral, environmental, and vocational wellness while appreciating the joys and challenges that come with being a parent.
Serving as a “job-aid” for readers on their parenting and recovery journeys, PARENTS IN RECOVERY also offers unique sobriety strategies for establishing boundaries and creating a productive home, such as:
- Creating a healthy recovery environment in your home for yourself and your children,
- Adjusting to the changes in the dynamics of your relationship with a co-parent—who is also in recovery or never struggled with a substance use disorder.
- Establishing an identity for yourself beyond parenting,
- Placing a priority on self-care,
- Coping with hard times,
- Setting boundaries and finding balance with social media and electronics,
- Socializing in adult circles and dealing with difficult extended family.
“Recovery is more than ‘stopping drinking or using drugs’—it involves an entire lifestyle change and impacts every aspect of a parent’s life,” acknowledges Sarah. “Addiction leads parents to isolation and disconnection and recovery process is about connection and healing. The best is yet to come…”
How did the idea for PARENTS IN RECOVERY originate? What makes your book unique?
My “ah-ha” moment for this book happened while I was walking through a local bookstore and saw the book “Mother Noise” by Cindy House. The title caught my attention and I began to read the memoir’s synopsis describing her quandary as a sober mother around when and how to tell her son about her past addiction history. At that moment, I realized that I had never read a non-fiction book about parenting in recovery. Suddenly, I was flooded with emotions, experiences and observations that I had myself as a mother in recovery. The moment I got home I began to research if there were any “field guides” for parents in recovery beyond memoirs and I was unable to find any that included both the experiences of mothers and fathers and which were written from both a professional and personal perspective. The book was essentially conceived with those realizations.
What makes Parents in Recovery unique among “addiction and recovery” and “quit lit” guides, is that my book includes helpful information for parents who had become sober before having children as well as those parents just beginning their commitment to recovery. Additionally, this book integrates research on parenting and sobriety with real-world wisdom from interviews with men and women across the country representing various ethnicities, ages, occupations, socioeconomic backgrounds, sexual identities, and stages in their parenting and recovery journeys. Along with their insights and voices, this book shares candid passages from years of my journal writings.
Why do you think it is important for kids to know about their parents’ past lives as addicts? Are children ever too young for an honest conversation about substance use disorder?
Through my research, interviews, personal and professional experience I have learned that it is a personal choice of when parents in recovery share about their past lives with their children. Parents in recovery (PIRs) reported varying patterns in their disclosures. However, the details of what is shared is less important that talking about the genetic component of addiction, how there are ways to decrease the chances of developing a substance use disorders and opening up lines of communication around substance use. Much like we are open about medical diagnosis in families in order to get preventative screenings, we should be talking about addiction in the same light. According to the Surgeon General, those with parents who have an alcohol use disorder have a 50% chance of developing this disease. However, if a teenager is able to delay the onset of drinking beyond age 15 they decrease the chances of developing alcohol use disorder by 40% regardless of family history. For each additional year that drinking onset is delayed, there is about a 5-7% further decreased risk. Therefore, it is imperative to allow your children to make informed choices about when and if they are going to start drinking or using other substances armed with the most information that they can about their genetics and additional risk factors such as trauma, mental health issues and impulsive personalities.
Children can certainly be too young to understand what the concept of “addiction” can mean and talking about past stories of substance use may be upsetting or disturbing without the context. Some PIRs brought their children to self-help meetings at young ages, and normalized the recovery process, while others chose not to share their past with their children until they were at an age when substances were something they may be getting exposed to. Other PIRs got sober when their children were old enough to understand that they had a substance use disorder and therefore, those parents chose to also include them in their recovery journey as well.
What are some of the different challenges for parents in recovery when raising toddlers compared to dealing with teens?
The chapter in my book titled “Dog Years” explores how some developmental stages of parenting are easier or more challenging for different parents. Some PIRs found the toddler years easier. However, others found that the high demands of toddlers and level of dependence on their parents could make it more difficult to focus on their recovery and self-care. Other stressors included sleep deprivation, post-partum issues, and childcare. Additionally, many PIRs have more of a thrill-seeking personality, and the younger years can bring with them boredom and frustration. However, following the pandemic, there has been an increase in access to self-help meetings and therapeutic services which has made childcare somewhat less of a barrier.
Many PIRs fear the teenage years because that was the time that they started drinking and/or using substances. There can also be a feeling of a loss of control as teenagers assert their independence. However, these years can also be a time to engage with teens, connect and develop a closeness that allows them to be more transparent about their actions. This can be a chance to parent differently than they were parented, and to use their past experiences to develop a trusting relationship that they may not have had. PIRs also may have the foresight to get their teens preventative mental health and addiction therapy and resources that they may not have access to.
Are there any special challenges presented by remote work and home schooling that exacerbate the demands of balancing work and family for parents in recovery?
The pandemic presented a unique challenge of parents attempting remote work while homeschooling, which was clearly not maintainable. Remote work has become a silver lining for many parents in general, allowing for more scheduling flexibility and independent work. For some PIRs who tend to socially isolate, they may have to make more of an effort to socialize in person or to attend self-help or other self-care in person to find balance.
For those choosing to homeschool, it is crucial to be honest about personal limits and the need to have “down-time”. Having a supportive partner or spouse, family and community are part of the magic balance that it takes to raise children. They are also part of the homeostasis that is needed for parents who are the primary caregivers. The chapter on “Intrinsic and Extrinsic” parents supports PIRs in determining if parenting is something that comes naturally to them or is something that they have had to work harder to connect with. This is also part of being honest with yourself and others about what your needs are beyond being a parent, but also having an identity beyond that role. Recovery involves finding yourself and knowing what your needs are to maintain balance and emotional sobriety.
How can our dependence on cell phones and other digital devices complicate the goal of developing a sober family lifestyle?
Moderation is the key to recovery. This includes engaging in eating, exercise, electronics, relationships, etc. Social media platforms have been designed to trigger the pleasure and reward centers in the brain—mimicking substance use. Anna Lembke, MD, is the Medical Director of Addiction Medicine at Stanford University and author of the book Dopamine Nation draws parallels between the way that substance use and electronics stimulate the brain. Given that substance use has a high-dopamine reward, it makes sense that individuals in recovery may have an increased vulnerability to electronic-based addictive behaviors. This in turn can become a barrier to developing an emotionally sober family lifestyle. PIRs can abstain from substance use, and then engage in other addictive behaviors that create issues within a family system. Spending mindful quality time together can be unended from electronic usage by both parents and children. I describer many suggestions for both parents and children for how to better manage electronic usage in the chapter called “Buzz Kill”.
What can you say to encourage struggling parents to take pride in their recovery?
Addiction is a deadly disease. It takes an enormous amount of strength and courage to admit we have a problem and to get support. A majority of individuals with substance use disorder never get sober. However, 23 million Americans are in recovery, and this is something to be proud of. We repair the wreckage of the past slowly, and our children notice and appreciate each day. While the shame may continue far into your recovery, it will eventually fade as the esteemable acts and positive effects of your sobriety become apparent. No one has ever regretted getting sober but so many have regretted not trying.
What would you most like all readers to take away from your book?
Recovery is a lifestyle change that impacts each life domain. PIRs are not alone in this journey and while our story may feel unique, we are preceded by so many who have walked this path and created rich and whole lives. I would also like readers who have loved ones who are PIRs to have a greater understanding of the layers and factors that impact them as well as how they may best support, have compassion for or set limits with.
About the Author
SARAH ALLEN BENTON is an Advanced Alcohol and Drug Counselor and Licensed Mental Health Counselor. She has been a parent in recovery from alcohol use disorder for more than 20 years. She is the Chief Clinical Officer and co-founder of Waterview Behavioral Health in Wallingford, CT, mental health intensive outpatient program (https://www.waterviewbh.com/)
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