When children are involved, the chance of conflict is even higher. One in three parents reports that the peace is broken within one hour of leaving for vacation, regardless of the mode of transportation. [Source] The reason vacations surface so much conflict isn't bad luck — it's biology and relationship dynamics. Disrupted routines, close quarters, unspoken expectations, and the pressure to have fun are a perfect storm for tension.
Dr. Dabney, author of I Need You…Now Go Away!: Reclaiming Your Life When Someone You Love Has a Personality Disorder has simple, actionable advice for families and couples embarking on summer vacations and a clinical lens that explains why vacation conflict is so predictable, and so preventable.
I had a chance to learn more in this interview.
Why are vacations such a common trigger for relationship conflict?
Vacations intensify emotional expectations around closeness, relaxation and family harmony. They also remove many normal routines and distractions which often expose existing relational patterns. The trip usually doesn't create conflict, it magnifies patterns already present in the relationship.
What are some of the differences between a conflict due to personality differences and those that stem from a personality disorder?
Healthy personality differences usually involve flexibility and compromise. With personality pathology, the conflicts become more rigid, emotionally intense, and repetitive. The issue becomes less about the actual vacation plan and more about underlying fears involving control, criticism, abandonment, or exposed emotions. The details change, but the emotional pattern keeps repeating.
What do families and couples need to talk about before packing a bag on a trip?
Instead of only planning logistics, couples should look at the emotional patterns that tend to repeat during travel. Do they fight while packing, become stressed about timing, withdraw emotionally, or argue more under pressure? Recognizing these recurring patterns beforehand can help prevent simply repeating them.
What can families do if conflicts arise during a trip to keep it from ruining the whole vacation?
The key is not turning one conflict into a global statement about the relationship or trip. Often the visible argument is not the real issue - exhaustion, disappointment, overstimulation, or feeling unimportant may be underneath it. Healthy vacations are not conflict-free vacations. They are vacations where people can appropriately express, recover and reconnect after tension.
How can families and couples recover if a trip didn't go as planned?
A disappointing trip can become a useful "relationship post-mortem." Instead of focusing on blame or moving on, couples can look at the patterns that repeated during the trip - who withdrew, escalated, felt controlled, or felt ignored. Vations often reveal relational dynamics that already exist at home, and recognizing those patterns can help prevent repeating them in the future.
Laura Dabney, M.D. is a psychiatrist, relationship expert, and founder of Relationship RX, a coaching and education platform focused on clarity in complex relationships. For over two decades, Dr. Dabney has worked with high-functioning adults struggling in painful relational patterns, often involving personality disorders, helping them understand what’s really happening beneath chronic conflict, emotional volatility, and repeated relational breakdowns.
A long-time member of the American Psychiatric Association and the American Psychoanalytic Association, Dr. Dabney has been a quoted expert in national outlets including NBC News, USA Today, Everyday Health, Bustle, PopSugar UK, and The EveryMom, and a repeat guest on widely listened-to podcasts such as Optimal Daily Living and The Mental Illness Happy Hour. Known for her calm, non-sensational approach, she translates psychodynamic insight into practical frameworks that help people move from confusion and self-doubt to clarity, agency, and emotional stability.
Dr. Laura Dabney: www.drldabney.com/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lauradabneymd/
Instagram: @lauradabneymd
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lauradabneymd/
Relationship RX:https://relationship-rx.com/
Instagram: @relationshiprxcom
Dr. Dabney, author of I Need You…Now Go Away!: Reclaiming Your Life When Someone You Love Has a Personality Disorder has simple, actionable advice for families and couples embarking on summer vacations and a clinical lens that explains why vacation conflict is so predictable, and so preventable.
I had a chance to learn more in this interview.
Why are vacations such a common trigger for relationship conflict?
Vacations intensify emotional expectations around closeness, relaxation and family harmony. They also remove many normal routines and distractions which often expose existing relational patterns. The trip usually doesn't create conflict, it magnifies patterns already present in the relationship.
What are some of the differences between a conflict due to personality differences and those that stem from a personality disorder?
Healthy personality differences usually involve flexibility and compromise. With personality pathology, the conflicts become more rigid, emotionally intense, and repetitive. The issue becomes less about the actual vacation plan and more about underlying fears involving control, criticism, abandonment, or exposed emotions. The details change, but the emotional pattern keeps repeating.
What do families and couples need to talk about before packing a bag on a trip?
Instead of only planning logistics, couples should look at the emotional patterns that tend to repeat during travel. Do they fight while packing, become stressed about timing, withdraw emotionally, or argue more under pressure? Recognizing these recurring patterns beforehand can help prevent simply repeating them.
What can families do if conflicts arise during a trip to keep it from ruining the whole vacation?
The key is not turning one conflict into a global statement about the relationship or trip. Often the visible argument is not the real issue - exhaustion, disappointment, overstimulation, or feeling unimportant may be underneath it. Healthy vacations are not conflict-free vacations. They are vacations where people can appropriately express, recover and reconnect after tension.
How can families and couples recover if a trip didn't go as planned?
A disappointing trip can become a useful "relationship post-mortem." Instead of focusing on blame or moving on, couples can look at the patterns that repeated during the trip - who withdrew, escalated, felt controlled, or felt ignored. Vations often reveal relational dynamics that already exist at home, and recognizing those patterns can help prevent repeating them in the future.
Laura Dabney, M.D. is a psychiatrist, relationship expert, and founder of Relationship RX, a coaching and education platform focused on clarity in complex relationships. For over two decades, Dr. Dabney has worked with high-functioning adults struggling in painful relational patterns, often involving personality disorders, helping them understand what’s really happening beneath chronic conflict, emotional volatility, and repeated relational breakdowns.
A long-time member of the American Psychiatric Association and the American Psychoanalytic Association, Dr. Dabney has been a quoted expert in national outlets including NBC News, USA Today, Everyday Health, Bustle, PopSugar UK, and The EveryMom, and a repeat guest on widely listened-to podcasts such as Optimal Daily Living and The Mental Illness Happy Hour. Known for her calm, non-sensational approach, she translates psychodynamic insight into practical frameworks that help people move from confusion and self-doubt to clarity, agency, and emotional stability.
Dr. Laura Dabney: www.drldabney.com/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lauradabneymd/
Instagram: @lauradabneymd
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lauradabneymd/
Relationship RX:https://relationship-rx.com/
Instagram: @relationshiprxcom
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