Parenting Pointers: Mediation

No one goes into marriage expecting a divorce, but sometimes it happens. When it does, mediation can sometimes be a good option for settling differences. Below is an excerpt written by Thomas E. Glick in his book Creative Mediation. Glick formed the Center for Conflict Resolution in 1995 and was honored in 2005 as a distinguished mediator by the Friends of 440 of Florida.

HOW TO GIVE BOTH PARTIES A DIVORCE THEY WANT

The following is an actual case that I facilitated. The only difference is the names, number of children, etc.

Barry and Robin were loving parents. They had three minor–aged children when they separate, which they claimed was no one’s fault. They just grew apart.

They each went to an attorney and quickly divorced.  art of the settlement called for Barry to pay alimony and child support. The alimony would end if Robin remarried, but the child support would not end until the youngest child turned eighteen.

Robin did indeed remarry. The alimony ended. But Barry stopped paying child support too.  He was upset that all of the child support money was going to Robin and her new husband – a “fact” he was tipped off to by his children, who didn’t like Robin’s new husband.

Robin reopened the divorce proceedings and tried to force Barry to pay. Barry hired an attorney and refused to bend. They ended up in mediation. The process helped formulate the solution.

I let the attorneys state the issues at hand. I then asked Robin and Barry if they wanted to add anything, and they both spoke their minds. I separated the parties. In caucus Barry explained that he loved his children, and if he knew they were receiving the money, he would continue to pay. He told me he knew the money went straight to Robin and her new husband, and little of it was spent on his children.

As I was formulating a plan, I brought the parties back together. Remember that in mediation, anything goes as to when parties meet, separate, meet just with their attorneys, and so on. I asked Robin and Barry to list the children’s various needs. I made notes: dentist, pediatrician, shoes, clothing, schooling, and so on. The parties then separated again.

In caucus I met with Barry and his attorney first. I asked Barry if he was willing to pay some of these professionals and retailers directly. Yes, of course he would. I then suggested he set up accounts at these various places in lieu of his child support. This was totally acceptable.

When I met with Robin, she wasn’t thrilled, but she almost had to agree. She would have liked to retain control of the money but realized this was the only way her ex-husband would pay. This would also stop any further court costs, attorneys’ fees, and so on.

Not all parties who attend mediation are happy or even content with the solution or settlement. In this situation the solution took control away from the mother, but it also implemented a system that accorded with the intent of the child support – to make sure the children’s needs were met. The mother realized she was backed into a corner, but she agreed to the plan because it was in the best interest of her children.

There’s a saying that two negatives equal a positive, meaning that if both sides are somewhat unhappy, you have a successful mediation. I vehemently disagree. In mediation you should always strive to find common ground so all parties take something positive out of the session. With this example the parents found a solution for the betterment of the children. Not only did they save attorneys’ fees and costs, but they also spared the children protracted litigation that might have aired all kinds of dirty laundry.