DD Richards, a divorced mother of one, recently wrote The Dual Family Guide to Creating a Happy Family Under Two Roofs After Divorce. I had a chance to read a copy, and even though I haven't been through a divorce, I liked the book. It was a great guide for how to keep things running smoothly after the marriage has split. It looks at the nitty-gritty - like communication, conversations with kids, shared custody, finance, and more. It also helps shift the focus to creating a happy "dual family" and finding the positives in the new situation. You can learn more from her words:
1. What is a “dual family”?
A dual family is a family that lives under two roofs. Before divorce, a family generally lives together. After divorce, you can still be a family—you’re just a different kind of family, living in two separate houses. The term “broken home” is very offensive to me. There’s nothing broken about my family. I came up with the term “dual family” as a positive alternative.
2. What does your dual family look like? How do you celebrate your son’s birthdays, etc.?
Our dual family consists of me, my 15-year-old son and my partner Marc and the other side is my ex, his wife and her two kids from a previous marriage. We all get along incredibly well and celebrate our son’s birthdays together, with all of the ex-in-laws on both sides coming together at times too—it’s quite fun! I’m sure some people think it’s nutty and, honestly, I never thought we’d be this healthy and happy but we are and it’s so fantastic! Sometimes we have dinner together, all 7 of us. We also go to school and sporting events as often as possible. It’s just a big extended family.
3. What are some tips for rebuilding a healthy connection with your ex?
Take it step by step. Be consistent. It doesn’t happen overnight and it takes effort. The attributes of a successful relationship of a divorced couple and those of a successfully married couple are very similar. You have to have respect for each other, set your ego aside, communicate and help each other when you can. Now, if you’re newly divorced, you’re probably on the floor laughing at the prospect of that happening but honestly, if you focus on it, consistently, over time it will happen. In the book I suggest being the bigger person: give in, help out and cut your ex some slack to help the process along. Eventually, most people will return the kindness and the relationship starts to rebuild.
4. Any suggestions for dividing time with your kids?
We like 50/50 but each family is different and has different needs. There may be a parent who can’t commit to spending as much time with the children and the needs of the child will fluctuate as well. When my son was younger, he wanted to spend more time with me. As he went through puberty, he wanted to spend much more time with his dad. That was tough for me, but I took my ego out of it—I knew it wasn’t about me, it was just what he needed at that time. Quality time is also more important than quantity. When you have your kids with you, it’s important to do some special things with them, have a special routine, make special meals, etc, so you can help strengthen and build your connection with them.
5. How do you talk to your kids about divorce?
I’m very open about it and I do a check in every now and then too. I ask my son how he’s doing and if it bothers him when he has to go back and forth between the two houses. I ask him each week what he’d like his schedule to be . . . he’s been wanting to spend more time with his dad recently, and because we talk about it openly, he knows its okay to tell me he wants to stay with his dad more. Its important kids know divorce is not about them and that they are safe and loved.
6. How do you approach managing money after a divorce—both individual expenses and the shared expenses of raising a child?
Yikes! Scary subject. You really have to watch out for yourself. I know a lot of people who were promised alimony or child support and never got it or only got a small portion. It also didn’t help that they spent a lot of time and money fighting their ex in court to get the money. I didn’t ask for child support or alimony, which most people can’t believe. I got a job and supported myself and my son. I didn’t have to worry about a check coming in or not—I knew exactly what I would have because it was up to me and my paycheck. In the book I suggest living small—meaning, don’t try and live large to show your ex and other people that you came away from the divorce better than your ex. Who cares! I moved into a 400 square foot studio with my son after my divorce and we were really happy there, in part because it was inexpensive and I didn’t have to worry about money. I was able to save enough after a few years to buy my own house and wow . . . that felt great! Basically, be cheap, save your money, and don’t try to show off. The best feeling is to have money in the bank!
7. What advice do you have for newly divorced parents? How can they get through the first year?
Read my book! Seriously, though, it’s really tough. I have a three-step process in the book that, for most people, takes about a year to go through. You have to allow yourself to process your loss and heal. It’s not easy—I cried all the time the first year, but as I worked through the process, it got easier a little bit at a time.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
DD Richards speaks to other divorcees about how they can live a great
life as a Dual Family.
Her own dual family consists of her son, Evan, and her partner, Marc, and
under a separate roof, her ex-husband, his wife and her two kids from a
previous marriage. DD is a VP of Sales for a major corporation. She lives
in Morgan Hill, Calif.
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