Soul Sustenance: Words of Wisdom for Victims of Abuse

Autumn Miles, speaker and founder of The Blush Network, paints a picture of God's love for broken and battered women in her new book "Appointed: Your Future Starts Now," from Revell. A victim of years of physical and verbal domestic abuse, Miles struggled to find significance in who God had created her to be. As a young woman, she divorced her husband and was ostracized from the church her father pastored. She was told that God could not use her because of her divorce by many people she respected. Miles' book gives strength to women who come from abusive backgrounds. It overturns the lies that women tell themselves, including "I am not worthy," "I am not special" or "I cannot be loved." "Appointed" helps bring God's hope, peace, love and healing to the broken, heavy laden and downtrodden.

I had a chance to interview her to get her words of wisdom.

 

How did your experience as a victim of abuse affect your self-image? 

Any victim of abuse may enter the relationship with a normal self esteem, however, when the abuse begins it often challenges even your best thoughts of self. For instance, what I believed I was good at before my previous marriage was belittled and defamed. After years of hearing you aren’t good at something even though you believed you were you eventually concede under the repetitious attack.  My self worth became a laughable pipe dream. I couldn’t consider myself because I was too concerned about him. My desires, dreams, aspirations even the common decision making process died at the result of the control my partner had over me. I found myself dotting every I and crossing every T incessantly and without error to his specifications due to the consequence I would suffer if not done exactly. My life was not my own, I was in bondage.

What advice do you have for women who are currently in an abusive situation?

This is such an incredibly difficult question to answer because I know the brainwashing that takes place at the hand of an abusive partner. Advice to pack up and leave is easily ignored due to the uncertainty of the future of the victim moments after the freedom is found. In moments of vulnerability a victim will return if the emotional connection is not completely broken. This cycle is one I lived three separate times. I returned to my marriage because it was what I knew and as sick as it is to say it, comfortable.  There is a layer of comfort that comes with the abuse. Being treated kindly feels uncomfortable if you have been in an abusive setting for any amount of time. So, in light of the question, my ah ha moment came one night at 3 AM in the morning. I was a pastor's daughter and knew about the Lord my entire life, however, didn’t really believe that God was Who He says He is. After about two years of marriage I found myself completely paralyzed with the fear of death and petrified of God. At 3 AM in the morning one night I lay wide awake as the moments ticked by. I was considering anything to get out of the situation I was in. Thoughts of suicide were immediately dismissed even though it would of been an easy fix. That night I felt the Holy Spirit tug at my heart to say, “Remember Me?” This still small voice in my Spirit scared me. I wanted it to go away, but it would repeat itself. Finally, it drew me out of my bed to a room across the hall.  I sat for what seemed like hours as I contemplated this voice. I kept thinking, “Is this God?” With a rebellious prayer, I told God that if He was Who He said He was He better speak. With that, I seized my little blue Bible and flipped it open. My tear filled eyes rested on a verse that said, “The righteous will have long life.”  I froze. Only God knew the fear of death I had.  Only He had access to my inter most thoughts that I hadn’t shared with anyone. Only Him. It was a moment that broke all allegiance I had to my husband. It was a moment that freed my mind from the lies that had been told me. In that moment, I began to worship God almighty rather than man. Today, I believe that true freedom from an abusive relationship comes from God. He freed me so I can testify that He can free you also. He is not risky, He is faithful and after twelve years of freedom, I can tell you He has never lied to me and has never let me down. It was in that freedom that I slowly gained the courage to leave. It took me several months, but eventually I left.

What words of encouragement can you share with women who have recently gotten out of such a situation?

First let me say, I love you. I may not know you, but we are sisters. I have felt the uncertainty that you are feeling now. I remember the first time someone complemented my hair after I was set free and they must of thought I was crazy as I looked at them starry eyed and responded with a long, “Thank you.”  I couldn’t believe that someone liked my hair. Sounds weird to a normal woman, but totally normal to one that has been mistreated. I will tell you this, one of the last things my ex-husband ever said to me was, “you will be nothing but a waitress your entire life.” He meant that as an insult even though I know some incredibly well paid waitresses. That was twelve years ago and I can tell you that I am now by God’s power the CEO of a women's ministry, I speak all over the country, I am involved in many areas of leadership for ministry. I have been married for 10 years with two children to the love of my life. Also, I have written the book “Appointed:Your Future Starts Now.” God’s power is endless. No matter what you may feel today, understand that if you yield and listen to the whisper of God in your life there is no ceiling on what He wants to do with you. He will restore your mind and renew it better than it was before. He has done this in me.

How can others support women who have been or are in abusive relationships?

Women who have been in abusive relationships do not trust easy. Even now I struggle with trusting the closest people in my life. My advice would be to be trustworthy. If she confides in you she is actually displaying vulnerability which is very hard for her to do. Please do not gossip about it no matter how juicy it may sound. Listen to her. I can guarantee she needs someone to listen to her and someone who will be a faithful friend. I also would heavily suggest prayer. Prayer has changed my life and it will change hers as well. Make it a priority to pray for healing in her mind every morning, you have no idea how much she will appreciate that.

Autumn Miles is author of "Appointed" and the founder and president of The Blush Network, a conference ministry dedicated to spiritually challenging the way young women think. Autumn is an accomplished speaker who leads women's conferences nationwide through The Blush Network. She is also the co-host of "Power Talk," a Christian radio show in Dallas, Texas. 

Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Group, offers practical books for everyday living. Based in Grand Rapids, Michigan, Baker Publishing is one of the world's largest publishers of Christian books.