In a chaotic, uncertain world we need to focus less on GPAs and test scores and more on creating “Challenge Handlers” says Dr. Michele Borba. Here’s how to get started.
America’s kids are in trouble. Educational psychologist and bestselling author Michele Borba, Ed.D., says somewhere along the way they’ve failed to develop the resilience they need to thrive in a chaotic and uncertain world. Not only has suicide in young people been steadily increasing since 2007, the pandemic has only amplified their already troubling rates of depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation and planning.
Dr. Borba, author of Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine (G.P. Putnam’s Sons, March 2021, ISBN: 978-0-593-08527-1, $27.00) says these scary stats underscore the need for a parenting agenda reset.
“For a long time, parents have bought into the cultural emphasis on GPA and test scores, assuming these will secure the brass ring of success for their kids,” she says. “But what we really need to focus on is resilience. COVID has been a huge disruption, but it’s surely not the last. Life won’t get any easier and kids need to be able to meet the challenges when they come.”
Dr. Borba says tomorrow’s successful adults will be today’s young problem solvers and challenge handlers. That’s why our focus needs to be on helping kids develop a sense of agency and a mindset of possibility. Then, when there is an adverse moment the kid won’t wave the white flag and say, “I can’t do it.” Instead they’ll say, “Okay, I’ll figure another way around it.”
Resilience will help kids achieve academically and professionally, but even more important, it will help them navigate the massive challenges life is sure to throw at them.
“The days of June Cleaver and Mayberry are long gone, if they ever existed at all,” says Dr. Borba. “What might be coming next? A natural disaster? A parent losing their job? Another virus? Kids have to learn that the world is uncertain but they’ll get through it. And they have to have a mindset that believes things can and will get better.”
Unfortunately, Dr. Borba points out, a lot of our well-meaning, modern-day parenting efforts like overparenting, helicoptering, and coddling actually harm resilience. Why? Because they rob kids from learning the self-efficacy they need to handle life.
“Exhibit A is the existence of ‘Adulting School,’” says Dr. Borba. “This is a growing business that offers classes to young adults, teaching them how to perform tasks like setting goals, managing money, making beds, and even folding laundry. Also, consider that parents of kids in elite schools are even trying to ‘curate adversity’ to ‘build resilient kids.’”
Obviously, kids shouldn’t need Adulting School or curated adversity. There are plenty of opportunities in everyday life to build resilience. But before we can help our kids leverage these opportunities we need to know what resilience is and what it is not—and there are a lot of myths and misconceptions around the subject. (NOTE: Please see attached tip sheet “What Resilience Is…And Isn’t. (Debunking 12 Common Myths)”)
In studying resilience, Dr. Borba found that it has nothing to do with GPA, zip code, or DNA. She combed the science and found that resilient kids—those who endured even through extreme adversity like war, poverty and abuse—possess seven core character strengths: self-confidence, empathy, self-control, integrity, curiosity, perseverance, and optimism. Each strength is built when kids are encouraged to practice ordinary life skills.
How to Create “Bounce-Back” Kids
Recognize that resilience can be taught. Be intentional about adding resilience-building skills to your parenting agendas. For example:
- Join like-minded parents who are committed to raising mentally strong children to support each other in your parenting endeavors.
- Learn more about resilience. Start a book club and read Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine to discuss the science and how to apply it to raising resilient kids.
- Choose one resilience-building skill a month to teach your child (like how to solve a problem, make a friend, or learn a coping strategy). Pass your resilience-building plan on to relatives, teachers, daycare providers, or friends so they can reinforce your plan whenever they are with your child.
Don’t helicopter or bubble-wrap your kids. Resilient kids have a strong “We got this” attitude that comes from recognizing that they can handle challenges. Always stepping in and doing tasks for children only robs them of their potential to thrive. If you recognize that you are a manager, then back up and switch your role to more of a cheerleader. And set one new parenting rule:
“Never do for my child what they can do for themselves.”
Every month or every week choose one developmentally appropriate skill to teach your child (making a bed, doing the wash, or making a dentist appointment, for example). Then teach the skill using a three-step model: 1) Show how to do the task; 2) Do the task together; and 3) Step back and watch. Once your child masters the skill, step back and vow to never do the task for your child again.
Encourage problem solving, but don’t wait for a huge problem. Start with little ones. For example, he lost his homework. Don’t scurry around finding it for him. Instead, ask your child to help create a solution so he doesn’t lose it again. It’s a life lesson that helps kids develop agency.
“Resilience is the culmination of all these little successes kids find by facing those teeny everyday challenges that come up along the way,” says Dr. Borba. “Each triumph helps the child recognize that there’s no problem so great that can’t be solved—it’s just a matter of hanging in there and dealing with problems in a smart way.”
Widen your kid’s horizons by putting together a support team to count on. Studies show that kids growing up in extreme adversity were still able to bounce back. One of the big protective factors in their lives are “caring champions” who refuse to give up on them. Help your child recognize who their champions are. Broaden your child’s people zones to include teachers, coaches, grandparents, friends, etc.—people that they can reach out to and that they know how and where to do so if needed.
Provide the gift of protective buffers. A stark commonality of kids who thrive is that they have learned ways to overcome adversity. Those strategies or challenge handlers serve as a protective shield/armor to defray the stress and help them endure. Studies find that many of these strategies are what we’d consider simple and ordinary things like a sense of humor, prayer, reading, walking in nature, or a hobby. Kids learn them at a young age and continue to use them all their life to decompress.
Amongst our important resilient-building tasks is to ensure that each of our children has discovered an ordinary strategy that works for them to decompress. Many parents introduce hobbies (biking, knitting, book clubs, yoga, or woodworking) to their children or start family hobby days to see what resonates.
Think about what you’re modeling. Resilient kids usually have a resilient parent. If your kid had only your actions to watch, what did they see today? Did you give up or did you say, “I’ve got this, I’ll get through it”? Did you get frustrated or show how you reduced your stress? Your voice becomes your kid’s inner voice. Your behavior becomes your child’s template to copy.
“Let’s make a pact to stop hovering and build strong kids from the inside out,” says Dr. Borba. “A stark commonality amongst Thrivers is that they develop autonomy so they can steer their own ship. It starts by helping our kids learn to take some control and make their own decisions. That requires that we abstain from always managing, directing, and supervising their lives.”
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