Anyone who has
been in a long-term, caring relationship learns to be careful how they speak of
their partner. Careless or critical words and overly personal details shared
can damage trust and cause lasting harm to a relationship.
What about
single people who are looking to find love? They may be surprised to learn that
the words they speak can make a big difference in both their ability to attract
a mate and to build a healthy relationship.
This is because language is
a lot more than the words we use to describe our lives. It shapes our emotions
and, for better or worse, how we see the world. In other words, our talk shapes
our reality and that affects how we see ourselves and how others view us.
How does a person know if
they are talking themselves out of love? Following are some tips:
For people seeking relationships
- What
are you saying (to yourself and others)? If you’re committed to being in love, what do you talk about with
your friends? Start paying attention to what you tell yourself and others
about your love life. Do you give a lot of air time to what you don’t
have? Are you always bemoaning the scarcity of good men out there? Do you
swap war stories about how badly that last date went or share personal
details with the guys that would embarrass the person you are dating? If
you're constantly complaining about your prospects and the people you do
meet, guess what? You’ll probably continue to have bad luck and bad dates
to complain about.
- What
are they saying? Are your
friends and family quick to find fault with people you meet, looking for
what might go wrong? Do they put down your “relationship history” with
comments about how you pick losers, and ask why you don’t pick partners
who are good enough for you? Are the people around you positive about your
relationships and supporting you, or focused on what’s not working? The
conversational waters you swim in will color your views.
- What could you say instead? If people say negative things about your love prospects, don’t engage. Instead only engage in conversations that will move you closer to having love in your life. With some people, you might want to find other things to talk about. With others, you may want to shift the direction of the conversation to emphasize what you’re committed to. Talk about what you want, instead of complaining about what you don’t have and why you’re not getting it. For example, acknowledge there are great men and women out there and then discuss how to find them. Then start taking actions consistent with that.
For people in relationships:
Is your bedroom too crowded? Here’s how girl or guy talk
may be sabotaging your love life and what you can do to prevent that from
happening.
- What
are you saying? If some asked
you, you’d probably say you’re committed to having a great relationship,
to being in love with your partner. But what do you talk about with your
friends? Do you complain about your man or woman constantly? Be sure your
words reflect your commitment to stay connected and in love. If you're
constantly complaining about your partner, you’ll be watching for what’s
wrong with him or her, what’s wrong with your relationship, and missing
the good stuff.
- What
are they saying? Are your
friends in the habit of complaining about their partners? Are they always
putting down men or women? Listen and pay attention to what they say about
their relationships and their partners. Are they saying something positive?
Or are they complaining and bitching?
- What to say instead. Speak about your partner in a way that reflects what you’re really committed to. Do you want a really intimate relationship? Do you want to share adventures and create a closer bond? Then have your conversations reflect that, instead of complaining about what you don’t have, what’s wrong, or why it continues to be a problem.
Speaking the
language of love is all about having conversations that nurture and build your
relationship, rather than tear it down. Choosing your words with an eye to what
you want to create generates a spark of possibility that ignites both you and
others.
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