Childcare expert Florence Ann Romano, The Windy City Nanny, explains the importance of taking the time to respond to situations, rather than simply reacting.
· Choose the best response. Though we don’t always know the best way to respond, we tend to react regardless. Reflect on your thoughts and consider all solutions before responding.
· Lead by example. We often say “think before you act,” to children so we must practice what we preach.
· Effective communication. As role models, we teach children how to reflect on a situation and how to communicate their thoughts rather than just their emotions.
· Feelings: don't suppress, express! The caveat here is learning how to raise yours and your child’s emotional intelligence and express feelings constructively
· Childhood Trauma. Oftentimes highly reactive parents can leave emotional scarring causing children to... 1) grow up to be just like you, or 2) want to be the complete opposite of you. Parent in a way that they will one day want to emulate.
I had a chance to interview her to learn more.
What is the difference between reaction and response?
Isn't it SO annoying when you hear someone say: "count to 10 before you say something you regret." Well, it IS annoying ... but it also happens to be accurate. When you "react," you are leading with your emotions - there tends to be very little thought behind your reaction. A "response" is more strategic; more articulate; more well-defined. When disciplining children, it can be close to impossible not to have a knee-jerk reaction to behavior that is inappropriate; dangerous; or simply unacceptable. But, remember: children are like sponges: absorbing everything around them - energy; language; and emotional intelligence. Your reaction sets the standard for future parenting obstacles. Everything in a child's life can be a teachable moment, especially emotional moments - be an example of the behavior you are demanding.
How can parents role model effective communication in a tense situation?
Did you know you can walk away and come back to discipline later? You sure can! Again, going back to the "count to 10" adage, this is how you can put it into action. Let's say your child has just drawn all over your freshly painted walls. You walk in and find a complete disaster in front of you. Your blood is boiling, but those sweet eyes staring up at you are the size of golf balls .. glaring at you with trepidation. I suggest saying: "this is absolutely unacceptable, and Mommy needs to think about your punishment." Believe me, your calm nature will cause your child more angst than yelling ever will! The anticipation of punishment and consequence is a powerful tool. In this moment, you are teaching your child that yelling isn't the only way to express yourself when upset. Your thoughtfulness, even in a tense situation, will help your child grow up to be an adult who can effectively communicate, and can operate with a high emotional intelligence.
What can parents do to break the chain of poor responses to situations if it's how they grew up?
"Breaking the chain" is one of my favorite buzz phrases - it's a great visual. The definition of insanity is: "doing something over and over again, but expecting different results" - the same can be said for ineffective parenting ... you have to break the chain; change it up; flip it upside down and change it. It takes a lot of work to rid yourself of behavior that seems to be genetic. But, I promise you, you have the power to break the chain by putting the work in. Practice makes perfect, as they say. You MUST practice what you preach to your kids; and you MUST practice effective communication. Read books; role play; or even talk to your friends! Find different ways to establish new discipline tactics in your home - not everything will work for all your children, but by finding different methods to employ, you'll have a greater chance at seeing results, and ultimately "breaking the chain." You have the power to be the kind of parent you WANT to be.
If a parent has reacted poorly to a situation, how can they turn that around?
Admitting wrong doing, or being wrong, is one of the hardest things to do as a human being. It's a humbling and, often times, a sheepish moment for us. Children pick up on this energy, and the best thing you can do is use it as a teachable moment, like I mentioned before. Sit your child down and tell him or her that the behavior was unacceptable, but that doesn't mean that your reaction was necessarily on-point. Depending on the age of the child, use this opportunity to help them find their words and channel their anger. Use your poor reaction to illustrate an example of how to work through emotions. For example, ask them how it felt when you reprimanded them. Ask them then to cite a time where they felt similarly; and you can also share when someone has hurt your feelings, too. Try to relate to the moment on a real level, but most importantly, show them how powerful the words "I'm sorry" are; and how there is power in humility.
Florence Ann Romano, The Windy City Nanny™ (www.WindyCityNanny.com), is a dedicated philanthropist and former nanny who has always had a special place in her heart for children. Romano worked for over 15 years as a nanny, beginning as a ‘Mommy’s helper’ at the age of 11. She shares her experiences in Nanny and Me (Mascot Books, May 2015), her beautifully illustrated debut book for children making the transition from being cared for solely by their parents to having a nanny in their home.
Born and raised just outside of Chicago, Romano earned a degree in performance theatre at Bradley University in Peoria, IL. She is the CEO and Owner of Original Six Media - a full service video production company based in Chicago. She has served as President and Founder of a nonprofit board dedicated to autism awareness and now serves on the Executive Board of the Children's Research Fund at Lurie's Children's Hospital.
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