Book Nook: Loss Is A Four-Letter Word - A Bereavement Boot Camp for the Widowed

Nothing prepares us for the loss of a spouse. How do we move forward if we get stuck in the past? Or worse, if we want to stay there! Author Carole Brody Fleet tackles this subject with compassion, understanding and experience in her new book Loss Is A Four-Letter Word: A Bereavement Boot Camp for the Widowed.

While loss is always tough, the reality of losing a spouse presents the added stress of managing the kids, the house, finances—everything—alone. Loss Is A Four-Letter Word offers practical advice on everything that can come up during this difficult time, and helps us accept that while life may never be the same, it still holds purpose and the hope for brighter days. 

I had a chance to interview the author to learn more.

1.  Where did the title of the book come from?

People smile when you describe “loss” as a four-letter word because let’s face it, none of us really like the word.  More importantly, the book truly is a “bereavement boot camp” designed to help the reader take charge of their healing journey; perhaps for the first time since their loss.  Since the last thing that one feels post-loss is any sense of control, I wanted to grab the reader’s attention and immediately assure them that there is a path to empowerment and healing, beginning with the book title itself.

2.  How does Loss is a Four-Letter Word differ from all of the other “grief” books?

First, the book does not focus exclusively on grief or on loss. The book also provides actionable steps and immediate direction to both those in need and to those who surround the widowed; advice that comes from someone who has actually walked the path on which the readers find themselves. The book also includes specific “assignments” for the reader to complete and areas in which to journal thoughts and feelings. Finally, the book includes wonderful resources for those who are in immediate crisis. These resources include everything from organizations who specifically serve the widowed community, to resources for those who may be coping or who are tempted to cope in a variety of destructive ways; getting the reader to avenues of help literally as soon as they pick up the book.

3. What are some of the lessons and experiences that you felt were especially necessary to communicate in the book? 

Many widowed are barraged by the opinions of those around them; not all of which are especially sensitive, supportive or even positive.  Unfortunately, the vulnerable widowed can inadvertently focus on negativity and forget all about how they wish their healing journey to unfold.  One of my primary goals is to teach the widowed how to find their inner voice…and to then actually use it.  Teaching the reader how to take control of their own healing journey is truly one of the most important aspects of the book. 

4.  What are some of the most common problems and challenges that face the widowed and what are the best ways to move past those challenges?

• The feeling of isolation; feeling completely alone and like no one understands their specific suffering.  The most important message to immediately convey is that the reader is not alone, that they need not suffer in silence and that it is vital to surround yourself with community, support and education.  

• Feeling weak or like a failure for reaching out for help.  It is not a sign of strength to try and navigate loss alone; nor is it a sign of weakness or failure to say, "I need help with this".  

• Letting others make decisions (be they practical or emotional) that are not in the best interests of the widowed and/or allowing unsupportive and negative opinions to become a primary influence. This is where the importance of finding that inner voice comes in.

5.  Why did you decide to write this book?

I created the Bereavement Boot Camp series first, in order to give readers a sense of renewed structure and life-routine; a way to set about overcoming what I know to be the most common emotional and practical challenges that they face and to set specific goals along their Healing Journey. The balance of the book grew around the Boot Camp concept. The inspirational verses entitled, “EKITAS” (Extra Kick in the A**) that are interspersed throughout the book are meant as just that – little moments of inspiration, motivation and reassurance to which readers can refer any time that they feel discouraged and that can help keep them on track.  

6.  Why is it so important to have a book that looks at the practical side of things?

The practical side of things (or what I refer to as the “business” of widowhood) is not fun.  Facing the legal and financial transitions that widowhood presents isn’t “warm and fuzzy”, it’s not particularly inspiring or motivational and it certainly is not anything that anyone relishes.  That said, financial and legal transitions are also two of the most important aspects of the healing journey that simply cannot wait.  Unfortunately, many widowed do not know where to begin, how to prioritize what needs to be done first or even what their rights are as a widowed individual.  My goal is to again provide a sense of direction, a suggested list of priorities (i.e., file life insurance claims before worrying about transferring the title on a vehicle) and necessary education and resources, in order to help a widowed best protect their financial and legal interests.  

7.  How can someone who has recently experienced loss, balance the need to get things done with the need to have space to grieve?

Like most widowed, I too experienced this issue – how on earth was I supposed to put my grief aside in order to return to work (I was self-employed when I became widowed), prepare meals, help with homework, run my daughter to myriad activities, pay the bills and in general, begin the task of resuming life.  

I slowly learned how to “compartmentalize” my grief by making a deal with myself every day. Based upon my schedule for the day, I would tell myself, “OK, you’re feeling pretty rotten right now, but you also have to (work, take Kendall to cheer practice, etc.) right now.  However, you get to feel absolutely, completely rotten at 9:00 p.m.”, or the particular hour at night when work was finished, my daughter had been seen to and the house was quiet. Then I made sure that I kept that appointment with me.  I would soak in a tub or enjoy a cup of tea or glass of wine or read a book or listen to sad songs and cry my eyes out and rail at the world…and nothing distracted me from the very necessary activity of grieving.  

Does compartmentalizing happen overnight?  No.  Does compartmentalizing mean that you never feel lousy during the course of your day?  Obviously not. What it does mean is that you learn how to “put it aside for now”, in the interest of whatever needs to be done in the moment.  It is because I literally gave myself permission every day to take the time to feel awful, that I was able to slowly find a daily routine; while also honoring my grieving process and helping my daughter to do the same.

8.  What are some of the first steps to take at the beginning of a healing journey?

a.  Make the choice to heal.  It seems obvious, but many people do not make a conscious choice to begin the healing process. Just by being here, we are entitled to heal, to live and to enjoy every abundance, happiness and dream that we want to chase – but you have to choose to do so.  

b.  Make time for grief as discussed above.  Most of us do not have the luxury of giving in to our grief whenever and wherever the spirit takes us.  However, if you do not take the time to grieve, that grief will come back to bite you at some point.  By setting aside "me" time (no distractions allowed), you are permitting yourself to actually move through the healing process in a healthy way.

c.  Take conscious ownership of your healing journey:  Actually own it. It belongs to you.  As long as you are not coping in a destructive manner and you are not hurting yourself or anyone around you, however you choose to proceed on your healing journey is entirely up to you.  

About the Author:
Carole Brody Fleet is the award-winning author of When Bad Things Happen to Good Women, Happily EVEN After, and Widows Wear Stilettos. Widely recognized as America's go-to expert on life adversity and grief recovery, Ms. Fleet is also a three-time contributor to the iconic Chicken Soup for the Soul book series, as well as a regular contributor to The Huffington Post and to ThirdAge.com. Ms. Fleet is also a popular motivational speaker and with her inimitable message of "What Now and What Next?” Ms. Fleet offers practical, emotional, and even humorous guidance to the millions who have experienced any kind of loss or challenge in their lives.