Parenting Pointers: Parenting a Strong-Willed Child

What is the worst way to parent a strong-willed child?

Trying to reason with them, according to Dr. Thomas Phelan, creator of the 1-2-3 Magic parenting guide.

When parents are being challenged, they often try to reason, persuade or argue. Too much talking and too much emotion are the two biggest mistakes moms and dads make, particularly with a strong-willed child.

Phelan shares the following tips for different situations:

Tantrums – Use the 1-2-3 Magic counting method. Calmly said “That’s 1,” when a tantrum begins, “That’s 2,” if it continues for five more seconds, and “That’s 3, Timeout,” if it goes on for five more seconds. Take your child to timeout, and if they’re over the age of four, the timeout doesn’t start until the tantrum ends.

Bedtime – Use the “cut them off at the pass” routine. Sit in a chair by your child’s bedroom door. Every time they get up, put them back to bed. No talking, no emotion. Repeat as necessary. This is a tough one, but parents should see results in a week or so.

Dinnertime – Have a supper strategy. Set a kitchen timer for 20 minutes. If your child finishes their dinner in that time, they get dessert. Or, reward them with dessert if they finish three out of four items on their plate.

Homework – Do NOT spontaneously ask your child if they have homework. Have a routine and use methods like the “rough checkout” – if the homework is 80 percent correct, neat and thorough, consider it done. You can also use assignment sheets and charting to stay organized. For older kids, stay quiet and allow for natural consequences if they don’t complete their work.

Cleaning Up – Grab a garbage bag. Tell your kids to have their stuff picked up by a certain time every day. At the appointed time, put any of their items left out in the garbage bag and don’t allow them access for a day. This method is very effective!

I had a chance to interview Dr. Phelan to learn more.

Why are reasoning and power struggles not effective with strong-willed children?

With strong-willed kids, reasoning has a higher probability of turning into a power struggle that takes the following form: Reasoning leads to attempts at persuasion when the child does not cooperate right away. Persuasion with strong-willed kids leads to arguing; arguing is then followed by mutual yelling matches that sometimes lead to physical violence. We call this the Talk-Persuade-Argue-Yell-Hit Syndrome.

How does 1-2-3 Magic change as children get older?

As children get older, you want them to become more and more independent. With preschoolers, for example, counting is a useful tactic for getting kids to comply with requests for eliminating obnoxious behavior. As the kids get older, you will be counting less and less. Your kids will be self-controlling more and more. They will be much more independent in handling their own activities such as up and out, homework, eating, and bedtime.

What are some strengths of a strong will that parents can encourage in appropriate ways?The main strength of strong-willed children is their desire to do things on their own. You want to capitalize on this drive by 1) minimizing spontaneous parental requests or commands, 2) establishing, early-on, routines that these children can carry out by themselves for most of their daily activities. It is a bad strategy, for example, to ask a strong-willed child at 4:17 PM in the afternoon if he has homework!

A registered clinical psychologist, Thomas W. Phelan, PhD, has worked with children, adults, and families for over thirty-five years. His articles appear in numerous regional and national publications. 1-2-3 Magic has sold more than 1.8 million copies and has been translated into twenty-two languages.