Book Nook: Strength for Parents of Missing Children - Surviving Divorce, Abduction, Runaways and Foster Care

Four years ago, the unthinkable happened to Marie White and her family when her youngest child was abducted. Struggling to navigate a new – unimaginable – reality, White grasped for the one lifeline she knew would give her strength: her faith. Out of immense pain grew a desire to help others cope, and she wrote the bestseller Strength for Parents of Missing Children: Surviving Divorce, Abduction, Runaways and Foster Care. 
I had a chance to interview her to learn more about this difficult, but important, issue.

When we think of missing children, we think of kidnapping or abduction. But you say there are other types of missing children. What are these other types? 

When I first wrote this book, I thought it was for parents like us, who had a child who was taken. But, as I did the marketing plan for it I came across parents going through the same emotional turmoil, whose situation was different. These were parents experiencing Parental Alienation, being kept from their children by an ex-spouse. Even with the court granting them full or 50/50 custody, these parents were being kept away by deceit, false allegations and a court system that didn’t understand the immediacy of the case. Sometimes parents were waiting months or years to get a court date to fix the situation. Their hearts were breaking and the suicide rate was through the roof. I had no idea that this was going on. 

While some people think that this rarely happens, I now belong to many, many Facebook groups, some with over 40,000 members. 

I also discovered alienated grandparents, pre-adoptive parents, foster parents and parents of drug-addicted adult children, who were all going through the same emotions. 

What are parents of missing children going through physically? 

When this happened to us, I remember being in a frenzy. I didn’t fall to the floor sobbing; I was desperate to find my child. I didn’t know if I should run into the street- searching, or if I should wait by the window? There was no guidebook on how to handle this situation. 

One thing that I didn’t realize was that while my senses were heightened by the fear, my brain was also being flooded by the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol. The effect of this type of situation is that your body eventually goes into adrenal fatigue. You have so much adrenaline pumping through your body for so long, that it depletes the stores that we should normally have. 

I wanted to vomit for the first three days and could hardly sleep. It took my mind three days to catch on to the fact that we were going through trauma and that it was okay not to be okay. 

It’s like when a football player vomits before a big game. The emotional strain is overwhelming and your body finally has to have a release. I wasn’t prepared for that. 

What are the emotions that parents go through? 

One of the most common ones that I hear from every type of parent is guilt. 

While that won’t surprise most people, the reason behind the guilt may.

Parents feel guilty for not feeling bad. When the weeks become months and the months become years, your child being gone becomes a fact of life. What hits parents so hard is the day that finally comes when they see a flower and smile or hum to a song on the radio. People have literally said that they felt happy and stopped themselves. The reasoning was that if their child wasn’t happy, they had no right to be happy. 

While I understand that reasoning, I think the logic is faulty. Imagine the opposite. Would you hope that your child was unhappy, because you are? Or would you want them to have a good day, even though you aren’t together? 

Staying wrapped in negative emotions only hurts you. The best gift you can give your missing or alienated child is to make sure that you have healed and grown enough to be able to help them heal when they get home. Two broken people coming together isn’t healthy. 

What can friends and family say to help hurting parents? 

A simple card, email or text saying that you are thinking about them or praying for their child is the ultimate gift. Hurting parents need to know that they are not alone.

What are some things people should not say? 

It’s really hard to hear specific predictions from others. Don’t say that their child is going to come home or that they aren’t going to come home. And most definitely stay away from talking about other missing children cases. 

What three things can you tell parents living through this right now? 

One, take time to go outside for 30 minutes each day. Your body needs sunlight and fresh air in order to cope. It is very hard to pull yourself away from online resources to help your case, but that 30 minutes will help you be more productive at it. 

Two, get some sort of exercise for 30 minutes each day. Exercise produces endorphins. You need to produce those “feel good” hormones so that you can make it through this. Even just a walk outside for 30 minutes on your lunch break or in the evening will help you cope with this. 

Three, eat a banana. Bananas are a cheap, healthy mood-booster. We need that!

You're a veteran. How has your military training influenced how you handle this? 

When I was in the military I was a mechanic, working with the B-2 Stealth Bomber equipment. If we ran into a problem with getting something to work before a launch it wasn’t as if we could just say, “Whoops, I guess we can’t launch the plane.” There was very much an attitude that you did whatever it took until the job was done. Failure wasn’t an option. 

I think that same mentality has followed me. I had some incredible mentors in the military. That lesson stuck and I have no intention of ever giving up. 

How has going through this impacted the way you look at life? 

For most people who have a serious illness or life-altering moment, they take some time to reevaluate their life. 

After many months, I started to look at life differently. I felt unprotected. I thought that if this could happen then anything could happen. Any of us could walk outside and get hit by a bus or get cancer. Life became precious. Every minute counted. 

Now I try to live that way every day. I take advantage of every opportunity and if there’s an idea worth pursuing, I go at it with everything I’ve got. I never want to waste time with my family. 

Marie White a TEDx speaker, multiple award-winning & bestselling author of 8 books, host of the Vetting the Hype podcast, reaches almost a million viewers on YouTube and is the director of publishing for Zamiz Press. You can connect with Marie at www.MarieWhiteAuthor.com.

In addition to Strength for Parents of Missing Children, author Marie White has written six other books, including Ten Day Bible Study: Standing Firm on God's Word (Zamiz Press, 2017) and Changing Your Life in Just 10 Days: Creating the Life You Were Always Meant to Live (Zamiz Press, 2016). She is also a TEDx speaker, non-denominational Christian missionary, traveler, entrepreneur and reaches over half a million viewers through her YouTube channel, Bible Stories for Adults. She owns Zamiz Press (Za-h meez), a book publishing company.