Parenting Pointers: Children and Divorce

Imagine, if it’s not already part of your life experience, what it must be like to get a divorce. The trauma alone can ruin lives and fragment fragile psyches. South Florida-based mom Karen Kaye and her daughter, Hara Wachholder, both of whom would later become family therapists, have lived through the ordeal and are now speaking out about the effects on children of the estimated 40-50% of American marriages that end in divorce.

While they counsel those who need help navigating the turbulent waters of divorce, Karen and Hara have also put together a new, interactive children's book titled My Parents Are Getting a Divorce . . . I Wonder What Will Happen to Me.

1. Why are divorce's effects on children sometimes overlooked?

Parents going through a divorce aren’t necessarily focusing on their role as a parent; instead, they become two hurt individuals overwhelmed with mixed emotions and lashing out at their former spouse. Sometimes the shame and guilt of the parents prevents them from wanting to see what their decision is doing or has done to their children. Parents will be unaware of the long-term effects of this decision. Parents also might be in shock or numb at this time just to get through the legal battles. Clearly, the children are not the priority at this time but it is imperative that the short and long term effects of divorce on children as well as their feelings are made front and center.

2. What can parents do to make sure that they are supporting children emotionally during divorce?

Parents must first take the time to identify their own feelings before they can assist their children emotionally. While parents are holding onto their own pain and anger, this would not allow them to be available to listen and support their children’s feelings especially if they do not agree with what their child or children share with them. Once parents have taken the time to identify what they are feeling, they can take our book, My Parents are Getting a Divorce…I Wonder What Will Happen to Me to an unbiased third party such as a licensed therapist or school counselor to help their children better understand their thoughts and feelings. Parents can also take the time to sit with their children and discuss their responses from the book after reading the letter to the parents. Our book works on both the subconscious and conscious levels.

3. If parents are co-parenting, how can they continue to work together for their children's best interests?

Keeping a child’s schedule and environment stable would be the best recommendation while the parents make most of the changes to their lifestyle to accommodate their children during this transition.

4. What do parents need to consider if only one parent does the bulk of the childrearing after a divorce?

Well first, self-care for the parent doing the bulk of child-rearing is most important. Otherwise the exhaustion and overwhelm will get in the way of effective parenting. Any person in this situation needs to create a “village” to help them child-rear be it family, friends, babysitters or connecting with fellow divorced or divorcing parents to work together as a team.

Karen Kaye is a licensed mental health counselor with the State of Florida and received her master's degree in family therapy from the University of Maryland. For fifteen years she has written a column titled, "Ask the Therapist" in the Natural Awakenings Magazine of Broward County, Florida. My Parents Are Getting a Divorce came to life through Karen's efforts to keep her own child out of the middle of her divorce when Hara was young. The book has been an evolutionary healing process for her and her daughter. For further information, please visit karenkayecares@bellsouth.net or http://www.imstillmebook.com.
Hara Wachholder is a licensed mental health counselor with the State of Florida and received her master's degree in counseling from Nova Southeastern University. It was after the resolution of the long-winded custody battle between her parents that Hara recognized her calling to help others going through the same struggle. Hara Wachholder is currently the clinical director for a family therapy center located in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.