Celebrity matchmaker, Annemarie Sheridan of GenieMatch, has seen numerous people in the past year acting desperate about their dating lives and willing to date anyone rather than be alone. She has a list of tips on how to avoid this, as well as the top signs that you could be a desperate dater.
I had a chance to interview her to learn more.
What is a desperate dater?
I always say, "Everyone is naive. We cannot skip naivety. To assume that we will never be naive sets us up for massive failure and disappointment." Anybody can literally become a desperate dater when they don't even realize they're doing it, because the fear of being alone and desire for lust is so intense.
A desperate dater has little awareness of how serotonin and dopamine influence the dating process from the affection boost with kissing and sexual intimacy, getting caught up with physical appearance with pheromones taking over, and forgetting to learn lessons from the past. A perfect example of a desperate dater is a person that meets someone at a bar, meets someone attractive, then takes them home to have physical intimacy. The next thing you know, they're moving in when you barely know each other’s flaws, shared interests, and if you can stand being around them for a long period of time. Depending on your age and life experience, another example of a desperate dater is not realizing how maturity plays a role in the dating process and developing relationships. A desperate dater does not recognize that maturity comes with life experience, and maturity does not come “magically” without life experience. Just because someone "seems mature" does not mean they are fully mature to transition to a relationship. Even if a person grows up fast, this does not guarantee they are mature enough to transition from dating to relationships. Remember especially in early dating, people always tell you want to hear.
How can someone recognize the warning signs in themselves?
If you are skipping the dating process this is a huge warning sign. This means if you quickly move from online dating apps or websites to “wanna come over?” You have just invited a stranger into your home. Just because someone is hot, does not guarantee that they are not crazy on the inside! Meet them in person first in a public place.
After a couple of dates, if you assume this person could be "the ultimate one," that is a red flag you are probably jumping the gun and getting caught up with the happy hormones that we all get from the flirting, affection, and dating experiences. Remember, true colors take some time to come out.
If you want to take them home and move in quickly after a short amount of time, this is a huge red flag that you are rushing things and could be setting yourself up for massive failure. Remember, falling in love is easy. Staying in love is NOT.
Watch the mentality transference of instant likes, instant matches, instant messenger, instant dates to instant lust, and instant relationships.
When you forget to make time for your friends when you’re dating, you might be accidentally becoming a desperate dater without even realizing it. This is especially something to be aware of and avoid.
Suppose you are in your 30s or older where you strongly desire to have the 'cut to the chase' conversation. Be careful not to be accidentally desperate if you are approaching the person you are dating in the wrong way. Keep in perspective; it does depend on your age, maturity, and life lessons you've learned. Be careful not to jump the gun in the early dating process, even if you are ready to find the "real deal." One cannot force love to happen even if one strongly desires to be married. This familiar feeling is not uncommon for people hitting their 30s or older. It's okay to cut to the chase conversation on dates if the feeling is mutual, but we have a high divorce rate for a reason. Do not force the falling to stay in love process. Just because someone gets into a relationship does not guarantee it's going to last. It might just be a lesson.
How can someone prevent themselves from being a desperate dater?
Despite being controversial, multiple dating people is a brilliant decision if approached in the right way. Not in a messy way. You are more likely to identify different characteristics that you like in a person, what turns you on, what turns you off and what you find preferably physically attractive and not your preference. Also, you are less likely to get attached to one person. This way you won’t take rejection too hard by having more than one person in your circle of dating.
Remember, people LIE to get affection, and you are friendly strangers in the dating process. People tell you what you want to hear to get a good impression because one might be thinking, "MAN! They're hot!" Someone could have an STD or other disease and may not tell you at all until they get in your pants or you find out when you go to the doctor. Don't be defensive on a date; just keep that in perspective. They may be perfectly clean but still tell you what you want to hear. We are all guilty of that on some level.
Be aware that happy hormones come with the dating process of flirting, attraction, kissing, and affection of all kinds. It's okay to enjoy the process but don't get caught up with the lust. It's easy to become desperate and naive. We are all guilty of it.
It may sound funny but wear a very tight belt. HA! Even if you're highly attracted to the person you're dating, they are saying all the right things, and you want to make out. This guideline keeps the boundaries of dating and not getting caught up with lust. This belt or whatever you are using to keep your pants on to take your time and pace yourself is a reminder that, "Am I really getting to know them, or is the lust taking over?"
Some people might find it funny, but I think it's wise to have a sheet of paper or document to track your dating process, especially if you consider a person for a relationship. This tip is helpful for older daters in the 30s and older who are more mature and likely ready for something very serious to find someone for the long haul. Studies show once a week in early dating is healthy to prevent getting caught up with lust.
When you are dating someone, go on various dates in different atmospheres because you can see how you get along. These situations test if someone uses you for only your money, body, and even to distinguish if you are compatible.
Remind yourself in dating that dating is different from living together. The true colors come out eventually, and you may not stand being around them later.
What are some healthy guidelines for dating?
- Be aware that most people want to give a good impression and want to "people please" in the dating process. It makes people happy!
- Date in different atmospheres to see how you get along in different ways. Just because you are flirting, making out, and giggly after dinner or a night out does not mean you will act the same when you are in a different atmosphere.
- Don't take early dating too seriously because you are friendly strangers. If you've indeed 'been there, done that and learned lessons. Even if you want to cut to the chase talking about "where is this going?" Don't force that conversation unless it's naturally mutual. You don't want to scare off someone you're dating.
- Pace yourself in dating. That's why I advise dating and talking to different people is a good idea. Just go with the flow. It is also essential to recognize who is lover and partner material versus more like friend’s material. Time will tell.
- Watch the instant gratification transference.
- Wear tight belts and try to keep the pants on to delay the full beautiful dessert giveaway. Baby steps build excitement and momentum. Not every hot person you date deserves the flavor of your beautiful dessert. Just because someone is chasing you does not mean they have good intentions or chasing you for the right reasons.
I think a good rule of thumb tip from dating to relationship transition is a short-term lease. Why? Because people are going to be blushing, lustful, and assuming something will work out even when friends try to warn them otherwise. Lust, loneliness, and desperation kick in highly! People always think, "I think it's going to work out." But then you are stuck in a long-term lease thinking, "Oh my God! I'm living with a narcissist!" Or "I cannot stand how they do that!"
Additional information on Annemarie Sheridan and desperate dating may be obtained at https://www.geniematch.life
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