Book Nook: How to Talk When Kids Won't Listen

When my younger daughter was little, we had a hard time. Discipline and disappointment often led to power struggles and fights. I developed strategies that worked, and now I'm happy to say that both of my daughters and I are able to talk with each other, even about the tough stuff. It would have been nice to have had How to Talk When Kids Won't Listen earlier, but I'm happy I had the chance to review it now, because even though we have a good relationship, I can always use tips on making sure that I'm really listening and making sure that we keep the lines of dialogue open.

The book is, in a way, a follow up to How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Adele's daughter, Joanna, later wrote How To Talk So LITTLE Kids Will Listen with Julie King, and now wrote this book. This book is specifically designed to help adults and kids talk during tough situations and about hot-button issues - tantrums, technology, homework, sibling fights, sex, divorce, and more. The book doesn't have to be read all at once - instead it can be used as a manual for the particular topics or situations that families are dealing with at the time.

I had a chance to learn more in this interview.

What prompted you to write your new book, How To Talk When Kids Won’t Listen: Whining, Fighting, Meltdowns, Defiance, & Other Challenges of Childhood? 

After we wrote How To Talk So LITTLE Kids WIll Listen, we received emails from parents all over the world sharing stories of how they used the communication tools with their kids. They also asked questions that hadn’t been directly addressed in our book  -- about how to handle conflicts over screen time, pets, name calling, divorce, and many more. How To Talk When Kids Won't Listen is a combination of stories from real parents and a sort of advice column where we publish the actual letters and our answers. We also added interactive material -- exercises and quizzes for those who want another way to practice. 

What it boils down to is, it's one thing to know the theory. It's another thing to put that theory into practice, in the moment, under stress. It’s enormously helpful for parents to hear how other people have used these strategies in a variety of situations. 

Why is it so important for parents and  caregivers to use appropriate communication skills with kids?

As parents we tend to get caught up in managing our kids because there are so many things we have to get them to do...and to STOP doing! So we have to remind ourselves to step back from our managerial roles and reconnect with our kids as human beings. How would you react if every time you saw me coming you knew that I was going to try to make you do something you don’t want to do? You’d flee at the sound of my voice!

 

It turns out that if we spend a little more time listening to our kids it actually makes them feel like listening to us. We offer concrete tools parents can use to move from conflict to cooperation

Why isn't it sometimes enough for adults to handle conversations with kids the same way as adults in their lives did when they were kids?

In the old days, it was much more acceptable to use force. If your kids didn’t do as you say, you’d give 'em a good smack!

Nowadays we have overwhelming evidence that using force is counterproductive in the long run. It turns out that kids who are harshly disciplined are more likely to be aggressive with other kids, they’re more likely to act out in school, to have depression and anxiety... the list goes on.

Even the more gentle punishments often don’t result in better behavior. Grounding kids and taking away privileges, often ratchets up the resentment and hostility between adults and children instead of giving kids the skills and strategies they need to resolve whatever conflict started the whole thing.

So we need new, better ways to communicate. And luckily there are better ways that result in less conflict and better behavior!

Joanna Faber and Julie King are the authors of the new book, How To Talk When Kids Won’t Listen: Whining, Fighting, Meltdowns, Defiance, & Other Challenges of Childhood, as well as the best-selling book, How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7, which has been translated into 22 languages world-wide. They created the app HOW TO TALK: Parenting Tips in Your Pocket, a companion to their book, as well as the app Parenting Hero. Together they speak to schools, businesses and parent groups nationally and internationally, they lead "How to Talk" workshops and support groups online and in person, and provide private consultations. Visit them at How-To-Talk.com, on Facebook @faberandking or on Instagram @howtotalk.forparents.

Joanna Faber is a parenting and education expert. She contributed heavily to her mother’s award-winning book, How to Talk So Kids Can Learn, and wrote a new afterword for the thirtieth anniversary edition of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen. She lectures and conducts workshops based on her mother’s work and her own experiences as a parent and educator. Joanna lives in the Hudson Valley area of New York, with her husband, three teenagers, dogs, cats, and an assortment of chickens.

Julie King has been educating and supporting parents since 1995. In addition to her work with individual parents and couples, she has led workshops for numerous schools, nonprofits, and parent groups. Julie received her AB from Princeton University and a JD from Yale Law School. She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area and is the mother of three. --This text refers to the audioCD edition.