Insights from Dr. Michele Borba, author of Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine (G.P. Putnam’s Sons, March 2021, ISBN: 978-0-593-08527-1, $27.00)
We know we need to raise resilient kids. After all, it’s a tough world out there and getting tougher every day. Unfortunately, resilience has become a bit of a buzzword: parents either don’t really understand what means or are given poor advice on how to help build it in their kids. “A resilient child does more than recover from a challenge,” says Michele Borba, Ed.D., author of Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine. “They also have a mindset that believes: ‘I’ve got this. I can try again. Things will get better.’ In short, they have agency, and so they are more likely to succeed. What’s more—that mindset is not tied into biology or genes but learned.” Dr. Borba has spent much of her career studying the science of resilience. In the process she has encountered and debunked many myths and misconceptions. For instance: . MYTH 1: “Resilience is a single trait.” Amongst the most erroneous beliefs is that resilience is a “single trait phenomenon.” New studies find that mental strength is comprised of several core strengths—seven in particular. What’s more, each strength is comprised of ordinary skills that when taught, practiced, and strengthened can buffer stress, boost thriving potentials, and make extraordinary differences in children’s lives.
Dr. Borba identified the core strengths of resilience by combing studies that analyzed children who encountered and overcame extreme adversity including war, poverty, abuse. The seven character strengths most commonly used to boost their resilience were:
Each strength improves a child’s thriving potential and academic performance, but is always more powerful when combined with another strength to create a multiplier effect.
MYTH 2: “Protecting kids from failure protects their mental health.” The truth is, kids need moderate doses of failure so they know they can bounce back. Too much stress activates fear; too little stress and kids never experience challenges that build self-efficacy. Best challenges are “just right”—not too much or too little so they are more likely to succeed and recognize, “We got this.”
MYTH 3: “Resilience is locked into DNA, GPA, or IQ.” There’s a mistaken sense that smart, high-performing kids with stellar grades are automatically resilient. The ability to thrive is comprised of a different skill set from what kids get in school. And resilience is not an innate trait that kids are born with: the seven essential character strengths of Thrivers must be taught.
MYTH 4: “Resilience is taught through ‘programs’ or ‘lessons.’” Parents mistakenly think they can hire “resilience tutors” or buy a pricey program. But building a child’s abilities to adapt and handle adversity is an ongoing journey best learned through daily experiences, not textbooks or lectures. Instead, we should find meaningful ways to nurture the seven Thriver traits: point them out, model, discuss, and prioritize them until kids adopt them as an indelible part of their makeup.
MYTH 5: “When you’re resilient, stressors don’t impact you.” Being resilient doesn’t mean freedom from adversity, but that you’re capable of finding ways to deal with the bumps and bruises of life. No one is immune from stress: each challenge impacts us differently. Rebounding depends on the challenge, the protective buffers in place, and our resilience reserves when stress hits.
And the myths continue.…
MYTH 6: “If you miss out on learning resilience, you lose forever.” It’s never too early or late to acquire resilience-building skills. But if we want strong, resilient adults, we need to begin to train our children with the skills of resilience far earlier.
MYTH 7: “Resilience-building efforts should address older kids.” The impact of adversity begins early and young kids are at higher risk. One survey found 42 percent of 15- to 17-year-olds had no adverse experiences, compared to 66 percent of children under age six. Why wait?
MYTH 8: “Resilience is ‘soft and fluffy.’” Resilience is crucial for kids’ mental health and peak performance, and it’s the superpower employers now demand. Resilient companies show higher revenue growth and innovation, and workers with stronger resilience reveal less burnout.
MYTH 9: “Only at-risk kids need resilience.” One study finds almost half (48 percent) of U.S. kids have experienced at least one significant traumatic event; another study shows 11 percent had been exposed to three or more. Challenges and adversity are part of life, and why all kids must learn resilience.
MYTH 10: “Resilience is a ‘steady state.’” Resilience is not a stable trait that returns to its original shape like a rubber ball when you let go of squeezing it. Bouncing back depends on factors including coping skills, a support system, and an “I got this!” mindset to help kids rebound.
MYTH 11: “Resilience is based on some silver bullet or magical secret.” Science finds that ordinary and common things (like hobbies, prayer, social competence, a sense of humor, reading, or charitable acts) can make extraordinary differences in helping kids handle troubling events. But the ordinary asset was available to help the child stay strong during or after the challenge.
MYTH 12: “Kids don’t need to increase their resilience. (I did fine and so will they!)” In reality, it’s a whole different world now. Kids’ mental health continues to decrease and COVID has made things worse. Troubling rates of childhood depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation increased during the pandemic. Between April and October 2020, emergency departments saw a sharp rise in child and teen visits for mental health needs (compared to prior to COVID). Adolescent loneliness also increased. All substantiate the need for building resilience.
“Though our children’s abilities to thrive can be strengthened from sandbox to prom, most kids have never been schooled in the teachings of resilience, so they face a huge life disadvantage in our uncertain world,” concludes Dr. Borba. “It’s why we must bust the myths so that all children will be more likely to thrive.”
Dr. Borba’s latest book, Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine, provides practical, science-backed strategies parents can use to raise up a strong, resilient generation of children who are able to tackle whatever challenges come their way.
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About the Author: Michele Borba, Ed.D., is the author of Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine and UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World, and is an internationally renowned educational psychologist and an expert in parenting, bullying, and character development. A sought-after motivational speaker, she has spoken in nineteen countries on five continents, and served as a consultant to hundreds of schools and corporations including Sesame Street, Harvard, U.S. Air Force Academy, eighteen U.S. Army bases in Europe and the Asian-Pacific, H.H. the Crown Prince of Abu Dhabi, and a TEDx Talk: “Empathy Is a Verb.” She offers realistic, research-based advice culled from a career working with over one million parents and educators worldwide. She is an NBC contributor who appears regularly on Today and has been featured as an expert on Dateline, The View, Dr. Phil, NBC Nightly News, Fox & Friends, Dr. Oz, and The Early Show, among many others. She lives in Palm Springs, California, with her husband and is the mother of three grown sons.
About the Book: Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine (G.P. Putnam’s Sons, March 2021, ISBN: 978-0-593-08527-1, $27.00) is available at bookstores nationwide and from major online booksellers. |
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