Earlier this year, Gabby Petito and Brian Laundrie were in the news, including some startling statements written by Brian's mother. According to licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Emily Bashah this letter demonstrates what happens when a parent does not create healthy boundaries with their child. In her work with violent criminal offenders and as an expert frequently interviewed for criminal trials, Dr. Bashah has seen how this common type of enabling can create an environment that fosters violence and extremism among young people.
"Essentially what Brian Laundrie's mother is doing in her letter, is trying to show her commitment to her son through shielding him from the consequences of his actions," says Dr. Bashah. "This psychology of enabling a child to avoid a penalty can be highly problematic for an individual's intellectual, socioemotional, and psychological growth, and parents must consider what aspect of morality they are teaching to their child. We can enable poor behavior through overprotecting our children, either by helping them avoid the natural consequences of their actions or shielding them from the common activities and conversations that can actually cause pain may be more harmful than helpful."
Dr. Bashah was awarded the Society for the Psychological Study of Social Issues Policy Fellowship and is co-author of the new book, Addictive Ideologies: Finding Meaning and Agency When Politics Fail You.
How can parents protect their children from harm while also not shielding them from natural consequences?
This is of course a complex question, in which the answer is determined by many different solutions. However, studies point to parents who overprotect their children, fostering high degrees of stress and anxiety and an inability to deal with the challenges that they will face as a young adult. One of the greatest challenges children will face as they age is having confidence in themselves. Confidence to face new challenges and confidence in their ability to fit in. This confidence can only happen in their personal intersection with others without interference by a parent attempting to save them. Between 2 and 4 years of age, children learn how their aggression, unwillingness to share or be nice creates an environment where other children might not play with them. Children learn how to gain acceptance by understanding consequences even at an early age. Developing adversity is an important life skill with many benefits. While it is critical that parents ensure their child is safe, it is key to balance that with making them strong, through emotional resilience.
What are some warning signs that a child might be falling into the trap of online extremism and what can parents do to help them?
First, online gaming is an exceptional place to recruit children. The communication between online players allows an extremist or ideological recruiter the ability to understand your child’s psychology and use that to exploit their insecurities and buy in to an addictive ideology. The warning signs to look for are children who become more withdrawn, angry, or combative. The challenge is these can also be signs of puberty. The key is real communication and a trusting relationship between you and your child. These can be further enhanced through quality time together, watching a documentary, reviewing what happened in a day, asking them questions about world affairs and then not lecturing them or judging them for their beliefs and opinions.
How can parents help children manage the feelings of anger and rage?
Anger isn’t in itself a negative emotion and it can be an indication of something else going on for the child, especially if an abrupt change in life circumstance has accompanied the anger, such as a loss, death, or trauma. Other possible causes may include bullying, parental conflict, domestic violence, victimization, neglect, as well as underlying mental illness can all be influencing the developmental course of rage, which warrants clinical intervention. Parents can help their child by improving their emotion regulation skills, improve frustration tolerance, conflict resolution, communication skills, and insight into their behavior.
How can adults help kids manage an addiction to rage?
It’s important to catch the warning signs before behaviors erupt into rage when kids are most at risk of endangering themselves or others. Helping kids identify the early warning signs are critical because it teaches them to observe it within themselves, when interventions are going to be most effective. In general, skills that calm the nervous system can improve emotion regulation that utilize the senses. Rage makes one feel powerful, so an addiction can form to it by activating neural pathways that release dopamine, leaving one wanting more, especially when confronted with one’s powerlessness. Empowering kids to find prosocial ways they can exercise social power that is adaptive will be critical to counteract the addiction.
How does rage lead to violence and what can parents do if children are having violent outbursts?
It’s common for toddlers and young children to have tantrums but they typically grow out of this by the time they are in kindergarten. When irritability, anger, oppositionality to authority, emotional and behavioral problems persist, this can lead to more significant risk factors later in life if not ameliorated. Oftentimes, children are externalizing what they cannot explain and lack the language and cognitive skills to understand the chaos, insecurity, and instability within their environments. It is important to try to comprehend the function of the child’s behavior even if they personally cannot identify their needs themselves. When a child is having violent outbursts, safety should be priority. Genetics and other biological factors play a factor as well as one’s environment. Any exposure to trauma or adverse childhood experiences can certainly exacerbate the expression of any genetic vulnerabilities to any mental disorders. Certainly, family dysfunction and violence in the home is a significant risk factor.
DR. EMILY BASHAH is a licensed psychologist with a private practice in Scottsdale, Arizona, and author of the book Addictive Ideologies: Finding Meaning and Agency When Politics Fail You. An expert witness in criminal, immigration and civil courts, she has worked on high-profile cases covering issues of domestic terrorism and capital offenses, and first-degree murder. Dr. Bashah was awarded the Society for the Psychological Study of Social Issues Policy Fellowship and served within the American Psychological Association’s Public Interest Government Relations Office in Washington, D.C. A frequent expert guest in media, Dr. Bashah clinically specializes in mental illness, personal and collective trauma, addiction and grief and loss, as well as family and relationship dynamics.
DR. EMILY BASHAH is an author and licensed psychologist with a private practice in Scottsdale, Arizona. An expert witness in criminal, immigration and civil courts, she has worked on high-profile cases covering issues of domestic terrorism and capital offenses, and first-degree murder. Dr. Bashah was awarded the Society for the Psychological Study of Social Issues Policy Fellowship and served within the American Psychological Association’s Public Interest Government Relations Office in Washington, D.C. A frequent expert guest in media, Dr. Bashah clinically specializes in mental illness, personal and collective trauma, addiction and grief and loss, as well as family and relationship dynamics.
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