Middle school is often one of the rockiest times in a child’s life, even without today’s added challenges: a pandemic, the fear of school violence, divisive politics, and the scourge of social media. It’s filled with physical changes, social pressures, transitions in family, friend, and school dynamics, and countless new experiences that can be overwhelming and scary. In Middle School Superpowers: Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent Times (Hachette Go, August 1), Phyllis Fagell—a school counselor, Was
You can learn more in this Q&A.
Many adults have less-than-fond memories of their middle school
The world has changed tremendously for today’s tweens, who are growing up against a backdrop of explosive shifts in technology, school shootings, code red drills, cyberbullying, the 24-7 news cycle, polarizing politics, a global pandemic, and a mental health crisis. And they’re navigating those challenges without the benefit of much life experience or perspective, while in the throes of puberty, and with brains that aren’t yet fully developed. That said, there are some things that haven’t changed much. Just as we did a generation ago, middle schoolers must make sense of complex social dynamics at a time when they’re still trying to develop a strong sense of self.
Why did you frame this book as one about tweens and their superpowers?
I love this age group and bristle when the culture portrays them as “mean” or “drama seeking.” Yes, their empathy is still developing and they need a lot of coaching, but they bring so many innate strengths to the table, including a passion to right the wrongs of the world. They are also the funniest human beings on the planet. If we can activate their superpowers at an age when they’re still impressionable and malleable, they’ll not only be equipped to cope with the inevitable bumps and bruises that characterize the middle school phase, but also lead more balanced, purposeful lives. It’s why I view middle school as “the last best chance.”
You write that one job of adults is to help middle schoolers learn to embrace imperfection. Why is that so important?
In middle school, the difficulty tends to increase just as they’re becoming more aware of how they stack up to peers. Tweens also tend to think in extremes, can be relentlessly self-critical, and often set unrealistic or unattainable goals for themselves. It may seem counterintuitive, especially to tweens, but a perfectionist mindset tends to backfire. Too much self-imposed pressure can get in the way of taking healthy risks or leading a balanced life. Plus, their performance tends to suffer when they put too much pressure on themselves. We want them to see themselves as the hero of their own story, imperfections and all. That’s how you turn out resilient adults.
Is there any way to get them to put down their phones??
For tweens, addressing relational needs is a developmental imperative, and much of their social existence is happening online. The challenge is to help them use technology wisely. We want them to make choices that preserve their self-esteem and sense of belonging (not to mention their reputation). We also want them to be thinking critically about how, when, and why they’re going online. For instance, are they using it as a shield to avoid awkward, in-person interactions? Are they losing sleep because they have trouble setting boundaries with a needy friend who texts late into the night? Are they making reputation-damaging mistakes in a bid to be funny or impress someone they like? Middle schoolers need boundaries and tons of coaching, but there’s no one-size-fits-all playbook. That’s why I share a menu of ways adults can help kids assess their needs and adopt a healthier, more balanced approach to technology.
The world has changed tremendously for today’s tweens, who are growing up against a backdrop of explosive shifts in technology, school shootings, code red drills, cyberbullying, the 24-7 news cycle, polarizing politics, a global pandemic, and a mental health crisis. And they’re navigating those challenges without the benefit of much life experience or perspective, while in the throes of puberty, and with brains that aren’t yet fully developed. That said, there are some things that haven’t changed much. Just as we did a generation ago, middle schoolers must make sense of complex social dynamics at a time when they’re still trying to develop a strong sense of self.
Why did you frame this book as one about tweens and their superpowers?
I love this age group and bristle when the culture portrays them as “mean” or “drama seeking.” Yes, their empathy is still developing and they need a lot of coaching, but they bring so many innate strengths to the table, including a passion to right the wrongs of the world. They are also the funniest human beings on the planet. If we can activate their superpowers at an age when they’re still impressionable and malleable, they’ll not only be equipped to cope with the inevitable bumps and bruises that characterize the middle school phase, but also lead more balanced, purposeful lives. It’s why I view middle school as “the last best chance.”
You write that one job of adults is to help middle schoolers learn to embrace imperfection. Why is that so important?
In middle school, the difficulty tends to increase just as they’re becoming more aware of how they stack up to peers. Tweens also tend to think in extremes, can be relentlessly self-critical, and often set unrealistic or unattainable goals for themselves. It may seem counterintuitive, especially to tweens, but a perfectionist mindset tends to backfire. Too much self-imposed pressure can get in the way of taking healthy risks or leading a balanced life. Plus, their performance tends to suffer when they put too much pressure on themselves. We want them to see themselves as the hero of their own story, imperfections and all. That’s how you turn out resilient adults.
Is there any way to get them to put down their phones??
For tweens, addressing relational needs is a developmental imperative, and much of their social existence is happening online. The challenge is to help them use technology wisely. We want them to make choices that preserve their self-esteem and sense of belonging (not to mention their reputation). We also want them to be thinking critically about how, when, and why they’re going online. For instance, are they using it as a shield to avoid awkward, in-person interactions? Are they losing sleep because they have trouble setting boundaries with a needy friend who texts late into the night? Are they making reputation-damaging mistakes in a bid to be funny or impress someone they like? Middle schoolers need boundaries and tons of coaching, but there’s no one-size-fits-all playbook. That’s why I share a menu of ways adults can help kids assess their needs and adopt a healthier, more balanced approach to technology.
School has mostly resumed a sense of normalcy post-pandemic, but is that true for the way tweens experience it? How have they been changed by the experience of the last couple years?
As much as I’d like to say the pandemic is in the past, there are lingering effects on tweens’ and teens’ social and organizational skills, stamina, mental health, tolerance for frustration, and their ability to take healthy risks, assume positive intent, and resolve conflict. All kids experienced quite a bit of loss, uncertainty and isolation at a pivotal time in their development. These years are when kids begin to pull away from parents and spend more time with peers, and they’re trying to make up for lost time. That doesn’t mean they’re not doing better, but I find that most need a little more help activating their superpowers.
As much as I’d like to say the pandemic is in the past, there are lingering effects on tweens’ and teens’ social and organizational skills, stamina, mental health, tolerance for frustration, and their ability to take healthy risks, assume positive intent, and resolve conflict. All kids experienced quite a bit of loss, uncertainty and isolation at a pivotal time in their development. These years are when kids begin to pull away from parents and spend more time with peers, and they’re trying to make up for lost time. That doesn’t mean they’re not doing better, but I find that most need a little more help activating their superpowers.
The last of your superpowers is about optimism. What do optimistic kids have that others do not?
Optimistic kids are less likely to feel overwhelmed, to shut down or opt out when things get hard or go wrong. Pessimistic kids see problems as permanent and pervasive. If they get in one fight with a friend, that relationship is irreparably damaged. If they get excluded from a group chat, it’s because friends want to bad-mouth them. As a result, they’re more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety. Optimists, on the other hand, see problems as temporary and situational, so they’re more hopeful. No superpower will endow a middle schooler with the ability to ward off every disappointment and indignity, but optimism can help them get through the tougher moments.
What do you say to parents who are extremely worried about the rise in youth depression and self-harm?
It’s a real concern, and it’s why it’s so important to teach middle schoolers how to ask for help, when to ask for help, and who to ask for help. (For instance, a trusted adult rather than a similarly impaired eighth grader!) Tweens need to know that things can and will get better, and they need to feel like they’re equipped with a “coping toolbox.” Parents can help by leading with empathy and helping kids label their feelings so they can identify the right solutions to a problem. There’s so much that caregivers can do to boost their child’s capacity to cope with distress in healthy ways, and I include specific strategies in every chapter of Middle School Superpowers.
Optimistic kids are less likely to feel overwhelmed, to shut down or opt out when things get hard or go wrong. Pessimistic kids see problems as permanent and pervasive. If they get in one fight with a friend, that relationship is irreparably damaged. If they get excluded from a group chat, it’s because friends want to bad-mouth them. As a result, they’re more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety. Optimists, on the other hand, see problems as temporary and situational, so they’re more hopeful. No superpower will endow a middle schooler with the ability to ward off every disappointment and indignity, but optimism can help them get through the tougher moments.
What do you say to parents who are extremely worried about the rise in youth depression and self-harm?
It’s a real concern, and it’s why it’s so important to teach middle schoolers how to ask for help, when to ask for help, and who to ask for help. (For instance, a trusted adult rather than a similarly impaired eighth grader!) Tweens need to know that things can and will get better, and they need to feel like they’re equipped with a “coping toolbox.” Parents can help by leading with empathy and helping kids label their feelings so they can identify the right solutions to a problem. There’s so much that caregivers can do to boost their child’s capacity to cope with distress in healthy ways, and I include specific strategies in every chapter of Middle School Superpowers.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Phyllis L. Fagell is a licensed clinical professional counselor, a certified professional school counselor, a frequent contributor to The Washington Post and other national publications, and author of Middle School Matters. She is a school counselor at Sheridan School in Washington, D.C. and provides therapy to children, teens, and families at The Chrysalis Group Inc. in Bethesda, Maryland. Phyllis also speaks and consults on issues relating to parenting, counseling, and education.
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