by Roxanne Manning, Ph.D. and Sarah Peyton
Clinical psychologist Roxy Manning Ph.D., and neuroscience educator Sarah Peyton have dedicated their work to teaching individuals the role of biases in their lives, the role of compassion in fostering inclusivity, and interrupting explicitly and implicitly oppressive attitudes and cultural norms. Manning is the author of How to Have Anti-racist Conversations , and together with Peyton, they authored the accompanying handbook, The Anti-racist Heart: A Self-Compassion and Activism Handbook, integrating neuroscience and resonant language to awaken and sustain self-compassion. Both of these works include information on how to dig deep into antiracism through inner work and how to have conversations around race and racism.
They wrote this post in response to some follow-up questions I had about their book.
We live in a complex world, filled with joys that we can share with our children, but also full of inequities, injustice and turbulence, including the ways that the societies we live in still carry the stamp of a racism which is deeply embedded in our systems, and in our entrenched practices and beliefs, that results in widespread unfair treatment and oppression of people of the global majority, with adverse consequences to people’s health and well-being.
Every parent wants to be able to make the right decisions, so that their child has the best chance possible for a good life. Surprisingly, the most beneficial support we can give our children is not material, it is emotional. Scientists use the words “secure attachment” to describe the aftereffects of emotional support. Secure attachment gives kids the lifelong optimal ability to have a handle on their emotions, make good choices, have well-being in their mental health, and have solid relationships with friends, family and co-workers. Sometimes parents think that they will give their kids secure attachment by not talking about hard things, but this is not true. (Avoiding emotions and pain is another kind of attachment altogether, and is actually called avoidant attachment. It results in lower life expectancy and less of a sense of meaning.) One of the gifts of secure attachment is the sense of agency, the feeling that we can see a problem and take action to help make things better.
One of the areas in which we can help our children develop agency is in recognizing racism when it occurs and taking action to challenge it in themselves and in their friend groups. As parents, we seek to endow our children with the skills they will need to face an increasingly challenging future. Most parents want their children to develop the capacity for empathic connection, forge meaningful relationships, and work collaboratively. The challenge of racism provides ample opportunity for children to develop these skills. Global majority children must learn how to hold themselves with empathy and self-compassion when they experience discrimination and racism, and to speak up and advocate for change. White children must learn how to show compassion and kindness to people who are different from themselves, and how to hold themselves with self-compassion if and when they take actions that are challenging for their peers. A growth mindset and a working familiarity with the important elements of systemic racism, including privilege, can help all children learn that they can grow the skills necessary to work together to create change
A working definition of privilege from the Oxford Dictionary is “a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group.” When racism is embedded in a system the way it is in ours, it means that white people end up with a lot of advantages and immunities.
One narrative that is currently espoused in some circles is that talking to kids about racism, both the racist history of most western countries, and the pervasiveness of present day racism, is damaging to our children. Adherents of this view argue we must protect children by refusing to have these conversations. In his announcement about proposed legislation to stop the teaching of these topics in school, Gov. DeSantis of Florida noted that this kind of education is “teaching kids to hate our country or to hate each other.” This narrative is based on a constrained and limited understanding of the reality of many children and of what can be possible. It is important to note that many Global Majority children are faced with the challenges of racism throughout their life. Whether or not white parents talk about it, these children and their families continue to face impact. The question then is not truly about protecting children, but which children are being protected, and at whose expense. Avoiding these conversations, and not equipping all our children to recognize and respond appropriately to racist actions, might create an illusion of positive peace for white children, but does nothing to protect the young Global Majority children who are impacted by racism. In addition, this narrative takes agency and power away from our children and families. We can teach children about racism in our country and help them realize at the same time that they can be part of the change. Rather than collapsing in shame or feeling powerless, children, both of the Global Majority and white, can learn from the past and have new tools to address the present.
Why is it important for people to be aware of their own privilege?
From the Global Majority perspective:
Knowledge of the existence of racism and discrimination can provide a protective mechanism for Global Majority youth who experience it. Instead of taking experiences of racism as indicators of their individual self-worth or lack of ability, Global Majority youth can recognize the systemic forces that might be impacting their experience rather than assume these experiences are because of some failing or inadequacy.
Since we all - Global Majority and white - swim in the waters of racism, we are all at risk of internalizing these beliefs and expressing them consciously or unconsciously. Being of the Global Majority does not immunize one from being infected by racist and other oppressive beliefs. We need to be aware of where we have privilege and where we don’t so that we don’t unconsciously replicate the inequities and judgments in the places where we are in the power-up position.
From the perspective of being white or having privilege:
In a world where we would like to raise participatory citizens who act out of their moral center, it helps us to do less harm if we are aware of privilege, and the way that it erases people with less privilege from our brains. We need to know that our brains are large and efficient pattern making machines, so we can invite humility to walk with us and our children in learning to create a world that is not at the mercy of our unconscious brain patterns.
Unfortunately, when we have privilege, we can’t feel it, because it’s about what we don’t have, so we have to learn about it instead.
Once we are aware of our own privilege, we can have humility and transparency with our kids, inviting them to create a world filled with everyone mattering, where they can be aware of their own behaviors and learn how to be advocates for this world themselves.
How can parents and caregivers have conversations about race with kids of all ages?
From the Global Majority perspective:
Be clear for yourself about the difference between racist and antiracist, and what they are referring to. People are not racist or antiracist, actions are. When you talk about actions, focus on the impact as you explain why the action is racist. Racist actions negatively impact members of one group. People can do things that are racist in their impact, but this also means that they can stop doing them. Help your child see the impact of these actions, using age appropriate language as necessary.
Normalize referring to a person’s race. We need to be comfortable talking about race and ethnic identity. It is not inherently problematic to say a person is tall or short, Global Majority or white. It’s the meaning we attach to those words that become problematic.
Be mindful not to use coded language about race.
Be mindful not to make sweeping generalizations, microaggressions or outright discriminatory statements about any group. Children will learn from what you do much more quickly than from your actions.
Talk with your child about their beliefs about people from different groups, including their own. Explore how their beliefs match or don’t match that of their peers.
Model or roleplay with your child how to respond to various situations. Talk about strategies such as walking away, standing near a supportive adult, creating a distraction to create space to leave, asking a friend to stay with them. Let them know you are available and able to support them.
From the perspective of being white or having privilege:
Catch the moments when your child is upset about injustice in the world, and reflect your child’s feelings, including feelings of outrage or grief. When we turn away from or downplay our children’s feelings in the hope of making the world more palatable, we are encouraging children to turn away from their own hearts.
Take a look at the organizations, events and churches you are a part of and you bring your kids to. Can you find activities and communities that are integrated for your family to participate in? The more different people your kids meet, the more open and aware and caring their worldview will be.
As you develop friends and connections that look different from your family in many ways, you can talk about the experiences that people your children care about really have, and encourage them to listen to people’s stories, too.
Use books, news, social media, and tv to bring out examples of both racism and effective responses to racism that you find. You can google “best antiracist books and tv for kids,” and find material that is focused for whatever age child you have.
Tell your kids about your own antiracist actions, including protests, voting, tracking what’s happening at school board meetings, and the coalitions you are part of, online and in person.
How can adults help kids learn about microaggressions?
From the Global Majority perspective:
Talk openly about microaggressions when they occur around your child. Help children identify the “hidden message” in microaggressions and how they cause harm.
As you discuss microaggressions, it helps to name what the actual behavior was and why it is painful or uncomfortable. Microaggressions are challenging because there are often plausible explanations for the action. Helping your child see that the impact of microaggressions is caused not just by what is happening in the present moment, but by past experiences and systemic patterns. For instance, your child might feel uncomfortable that classmates keep saying, Asian kids are good at math. Isn’t it a compliment, after all?! You can help your child understand why this is hard - Asian kid are like all kids - some are good at math and some are not. What do you think happens to the Asian child who doesn’t fit the stereotype? Would the teacher and other classmates believe they needed help? And what about the Asian child who loves athletics and not sports. Everytime they hear that good at math comment, they recall always being picked last when teams were formed. Help them see the fears about the pattern repeating is part of what is challenging about microaggressions.
From the perspective of being white or having privilege:
Use real life examples as you are moving through the world with your kids. When you witness a microaggression and it is safe, model speaking up about it and talking about it afterwards. When it wasn’t safe to speak up, speak about it with your kids afterwards. When you see microaggressions on tv, at the movies, or hear them in songs, talk about them with your kids. Roleplay what they could do if they witnessed or inadvertently enacted a microaggression.
When your kids bring home stories of difficult moments that they witnessed, help them role play other possibilities for responding, and/or give them emotional support and celebration for the way they did respond.
If families have older kids, how can they begin to approach issues like race and privilege if they haven't discussed them before?
From the Global Majority perspective:
If you have older Global Majority children, they very likely have experienced challenges with race and privilege. Start by asking them about their experience. What are they noticing in school or with their friends groups? Be curious about how they are making sense of the inequities they witness.
Take time to learn about these issues with your children. You can watch videos that are explicitly tackling these topics (e.g., Selma, Just Mercy, Hidden Figures) or you can watch movies where the issues are important background (one of my favorites is Akeelah and the Bee). Talk with your children about the movies, the lives of the characters, and the systemic forces on display. Consider other media forms that resonate with your child as well (books, music, spoken word, etc).
Create space where they can share their feelings. Teens may talk more openly when you are doing activities together rather than in a face-to-face conversation. Go for a walk, bake a cake, garden, do laundry -anything that can occupy their bodies and leave them free to talk.
Be prepared to empathize with their experience. They may be feeling rage, shame, helplessness. Your ability to receive all these emotions, without judgment, will help your child hold themselves with self-compassion.
Refrain from telling them what they should do based on what you should do. Remember that your capacity to respond is based on your years of experience and the inner work you’ve done. Your children are just beginning this journey, so a response that might feel doable to you may not be within their capacity yet. Ask them if they would like help brainstorming options for responding. Include discussions about the relational or other costs of the identified actions and strategies to minimize that cost. Include ideas that don’t put your child in the spotlight (e.g., sending an anonymous note to the principal) if they are concerned they will be bullied if they speak up.
From the perspective of being white or having privilege:
Share your own journey of discovery. Talk about the ways that your understanding has grown over the years since your child was young. Speak about the things you notice now that you never used to see.
As we bring this short piece of writing to an end, we would like to express our gratitude and appreciation that you parents are bringing support and understanding to your children in ways that will make the world a better place for everyone, and taking on such an essential intention as becoming an antiracist family, and increasing your children’s secure attachment with you as parents and with the world.
Roxy Manning, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and certified Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) trainer. She brings decades of service experience to her work interrupting explicitly and implicitly oppressive attitudes and cultural norms. Dr. Manning has worked, consulted, and provided training across the US with businesses, nonprofits, and government organizations wanting to move towards equitable and diverse workplace cultures and internationally in over 10 countries with individuals and groups committed to social change. She also works as a psychologist in San Francisco, serving the homeless and disenfranchised mentally ill population.
She is the author of How to Have Antiracist Conversations: Embracing Our Full Humanity to Challenge White Supremacy and the co-author with Sarah Peyton of the companion text, The Antiracist Heart: A Self-Compassion and Activism Handbook.
Sarah Peyton, Certified Trainer of Nonviolent Communication and neuroscience educator, integrates brain science and resonant language to awaken and sustain self-compassion, particularly in the face of difficult issues like self-condemnation, self-disgust, and self-sabotage.
She teaches and lectures internationally and is the author of the Your Resonant Self book series. She is also the co-author alongside Roxy Manning, PhD of The Antiracist Heart: A Self-Compassion and Activism Handbook.
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