Caring Connections - Tips from 13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don't Do

 While the December holidays have the potential to be the happiest time of the year, let’s be honest—many couples feel it’s the most stressful time of year for their relationship. From added demands to differing expectations, it often leads to higher anxiety and unexpected conflicts.

 

Amy Morin, psychotherapist, host of the Mentally Strong podcast, and bestselling author, whose new book 13 THINGS MENTALLY STRONG COUPLES DON’T DO will release on December 26, 2023 (William Morrow), offers invigorating guidance on how to navigate away from potential emotional chaos and empower your relationship.

 

Bringing enlightening perspective, some of the guidelines include:  

• Discuss your expectations ahead of time. Ask your partner what their expectations are during the holidays and really listen to what they have to say about time with family, holiday events, and budget. Then, share your expectations so you can recognize areas where you may differ so you can develop a plan.
• Decide on boundaries together. Work together to decide on everything from your holiday gift giving budget to how much time you’ll spend with extended family. You don’t necessarily need to agree but you can choose to honor your partner’s wishes. 
• Zoom out to keep the bigger picture in mind. It’s easy to get stressed out by the little things that come up over the holidays. Take time to zoom out and look at the bigger picture so you can gain perspective. It’s more important to enjoy one another’s company than to have perfect decorations.
• Focus on managing your emotions–not controlling your partner’s behavior. When you’re stressed out, you might be tempted to try and get your partner to change their behavior. But your efforts are better spent trying to manage your emotions, not control your partner. If they aren’t interested in attending a holiday event, don’t drag them. If they insist on watching another holiday movie, let them.
• Work on meeting some of your own needs. If your partner doesn’t want to go to the holiday parade, find someone else to go with you. Or, if your partner isn’t up for tons of family time, go to that holiday party without them. Don’t expect your partner to meet all of your needs during the holidays. Take steps to meet your needs independently, so you can make it the best holiday season possible.

 

That’s not all: As we approach the 2024, whether you’re setting one big resolution or you’re initiating several goals, it’s important to keep your relationship in mind. After all, your partnership and your attitude about your relationship plays a big role in the likelihood of your achievements. In an interview, Amy can talk about do’s and don’ts to consider when setting goals for the coming year.
For example:

• Don’t try to fix your partner. Lecturing, scolding, and punishing your partner for their bad habits won’t change their behavior. Focus on improving yourself, regardless of whether your partner wants to create the same goal for themselves.
• Don’t blame your problems on one another. Resist the urge to blame your partner for your inactivity or excessive scrolling habits. Empower yourself to take charge of your well-being and happiness. Focus on what you can control–your own behavior.
• Don’t stop growing. Just because your partner doesn’t want to start a new habit, doesn’t mean you can’t. Whether you want to learn a new language or you want to start running, commit to challenging yourself.
• Don’t keep score. There’s no need to point out who’s doing the most, earning the most, or sacrificing the most. Keeping score leads to bitterness and resentment. Make a decision to focus on your well-being while also working to grow the relationship without tallying up how much you're investing.·        
• Don’t neglect your relationship. While there may be seasons of your life when you need to invest less (like when you’re caring for an ill relative), don’t neglect your partnership for the sake of a personal achievement. Check-in with your partner regularly to make sure they’re feeling cared for as you’re working to become your personal best.

 

Amy’s new book, 13 THINGS MENTIALLY STRONG COUPLES DON’T DO will publish December 26, 2023. 

Amy Morin is a licensed clinical social worker, instructor at Northeastern University, and psychotherapist. She is the author of the international bestseller 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, the success of the book led to a series of books on achieving mental strength.  She gave one of the most viewed TEDx talks of all time and was named the “self-help guru of the moment” by The Guardian. Amy also hosts the popular podcast Mentally Strong People. She lives in the Florida Keys. https://amymorinlcsw.com/about-amy/