Risa Shaw, PhD, is the editor of the second edition of Not Child's Play: An Anthology of Brother-Sister Incest. This groundbreaking work focuses on the silent narratives of shame, anger, and pain of the girls who were abused by their brothers and the brave women they have become. Through a collection of writings and artworks contributed by female survivors, the book starkly exposes the harrowing trauma of incest perpetrated by brothers. Not Child's Play fearlessly navigates this challenging subject matter with unparalleled courage and sensitivity.
I had a chance to interview her about this important issue.
*Note on language and gender: Most of the sibling sexual abuse that happens is that an older brother sexually assaults a younger sister. I have yet to find a satisfying way to characterize the way I talk about the abuse (sibling vs. brother-sister vs. abuse vs. assault). I use different terms at different times. Because most of the perpetrators/ones who harm are male and most of the victims/survivors/ones who were harmed are female, I use gendered language to reflect this. It is also true that boys are the victims of men and other boys, as well as women. The book and my writing centers the experience of women and girls as the victims and survivors that they are, and that patriarchy and misogyny are central to the abuse in the first place. There are also plenty of boys who have been sexually abused, largely in religious, educational, and sport institutions, as well as in families. Naming the fact that it is overwhelmingly sisters who are abused by brothers is an essential fact of this type of abuse.
Why did you write this book?
I’m a sibling incest survivor. I needed to tell my story. I needed to have people tell their stories so I could see the other women whose brothers had sexually assaulted them. I was going to explode if I continued to keep it a secret. I felt dirty and complicit from the shame and secrecy. I couldn’t live with that anymore.
The first edition of my book, Not Child’s Play (2000), a foundation for the work that followed, is a collection of survivor reports in the form of essays, poetry, and visual art. It took me 13 years to put it together and put it out into the world.
The environment now compared to 24 years ago is much different. However, sibling incest continues to be a taboo subject. Other movements have raised the level of awareness and people who have been victimized, whether survivors of sexual or racial assaults, are not willing to be silent anymore. This type of sexual assault may be the hardest to pay attention and respond to because the entire family is affected and involved.
I wrote this book because speaking out frees us in ways that were forbidden in our homes and families, there is a possibility of healing. Making this a public conversation can save lives, can give us our lives back, can avoid suicides, rid us of the shame that was never ours in the first place. If the trauma is kept a secret, there is no healing, and the risk continues.
We need to have this conversation out loud and without shame because some of the people who will grow up to need this book are children right now, experiencing the abuse. They need to know they are not alone, that we are working to stop this abuse, and there are ways to heal from this horror.
Common experience is that when survivors do speak up and tell their family members what their brother did, they are told in some way to go back to being quiet, keep the secret, stop talking about it. This is re-traumatizing for the survivor and lets her know that there will be no consequences or accountability for the abuser and the family just wants to hide it all. Though often missing, there needs to be acknowledgement, ownership and accountability, and articulation of what happened by those who harmed and the families. We need perpetrators, family members, and bystanders to speak up and be part of this conversation.
I want parents to learn how to instill healthy boundaries in their kids so that sibling incest doesn’t happen in the first place. We want to prevent more harm! (More below).
This book is a living document. The very process of putting it together required de-stigmatization, it asked women to shed the shame, end the silence and tell their stories. Each story that surfaced became an invitation for the next until a book was built, and now it is time to build a community and a movement around that book.
I’m very grateful to the contributors in the book and all the others who sent contributions but are not in this book. I’m grateful to them for their courage and bravery and the beauty, power and heartbreaking stories they put on paper.
Recurring themes, what contributors and survivors want people to understand include: believe us, the damage is severe, family responses are often re-traumatizing, the abuser stole my future, the shame is deadening & huge, and stranger rape would have been easier for the family to deal with and garnered more support for the survivor.
Why is it important for families to be aware of the possibility of sibling sexual abuse occurring?
Sibling sexual abuse is happening in families and homes everywhere. Across economic class, race, geography, ability, education levels. No home is immune from this. It is important because the consequences of parents looking away, dismissing the possibility, avoiding attending to their kids and their behaviors produce ongoing trauma for the victimized child and for the child who perpetrates the assaults. Parents who are not aware cannot protect their children as they are obligated to do.
Parents are teaching (by modeling) the opposite of protection and prevention and consent if they are not actively protecting, preventing, and requiring consent. Secrets of harm in families are toxic, and this kind of secret ripples through time causing ongoing harm.
Awareness can lead to prevention, and it is possible to greatly decrease the incidence of it happening in the future. One of the most important things parents and caregivers can do is to believe your children and all survivors.
We need to talk about sibling sexual assault. It is an issue that has been buried in secrecy, which gives it power and allows it to continue. Breaking silence is key.
What are some warning signs that adults should be looking out for?
Warning signs in the kids might include any of the following: changes in behaviors, withdrawal, angry outbursts, recklessness, rebelliousness, distance between siblings, over-achieving. There are many ways that the victim will try to shed the shell of shame that has been dropped on her. Do not expect her to trust you to tell you what is happening. She has been betrayed by a family member and is likely not to trust other family members. She probably thinks she did something to make the abuse happen.
Parents may be horrified to realize they they’ve created an environment that allows and even encourages sibling sexual abuse due to their failure of oversight and unintentional neglect; due to their perpetuating society’s norms of males being more important and worthy than females. Adults should look for how their own behavior conveys control over others, bullying, and looking the other way. This includes buying into “boys will be boys”. Don’t justify one child’s behavior to explain away something.
Pay attention. Figure out what is going on. Do not stop until you do.
What can parents and caregivers do to protect their kids if sibling sexual abuse is happening?
Believe the one who has been victimized. Tell her you believe her. Tell her you are so sorry this happened to her. Thank her for telling you. Say nothing to her that questions what she says happened and how it is for her.
Prioritize the sister’s safety and healing. Listen to the sister who has been victimized. What does she need to start to feel safe? Does the brother need to be moved to a different living situation for some period of time? Do not blame her for any of the abuse. There is nothing that she did to bring this on. Tell her again and again that she is not to blame, that she did nothing to deserve this, that you are going to get her the support she needs to deal with what was done to her.
Do not let the siblings be alone together. The abuse happened in the first place because of threats, coercion, and/or special attention. Expect that these will continue until the situation is dealt with in a way that holds the perpetrator accountable.
c. Do not expect her to trust you. She was betrayed by a family member already and may not trust anyone in the family, including the adults who she thought would keep her safe.
Do not keep the abuse a secret. Be honest in the family about what is happening, why changes are occurring, and how everyone will get help.
Get help for yourself(s) as the parents/care givers. Get help for each of the kids separately. Later get help for the family. Choose who helps you carefully. Get help from trauma informed therapists.
The brother needs to be prevented from doing more harm, called to account to take responsibility, and shown a path to try to repair the harm he has done if the survivor is open to that.
Do not use the phrase “what happened between you/them.” One person abused another. That is never about something that “happened between” or what “the two of you did”.
Don’t let the siblings be together without adult supervision, by adults who know what to watch for and who will protect the kids, and who will actually pay attention.
Do you model and explicitly teach “good” and “bad” touching? Do you teach consent, what it means, what it doesn’t mean, and what the effects of it are and are not? If you do not already do this, start today. If you don’t know what that means or how to do that, reach out to get help. Learn what it means to not explicitly teach and model and require consent. Empower your children, especially the girls, to say “no”, to say “no” to you as a parent and authority figure, to the other kids and people in your family, to their friends. Teach them explicitly how to exercise their autonomy. Teach them how to recognize lack of consent, to accept nothing less than explicit consent, and to stop when consent is withdrawn. Without teaching and practicing, they won’t have a chance in an abusive situation. Coercion can look very sweet. Teach them what this can look like. And teach them to say NO, to walk or run away, to yell for help, to find trusted people.
Know that one of the very twisted parts of sexual abuse is that physically the sexual part can feel good, and emotionally the attention can feel good. The layer of our bodies and emotions betraying us in this way is devastating.
Pay attention. Take action. Be accountable.
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