HOW TO BRING UP DIFFICULT TOPICS CONSTRUCTIVELY
When conflicts arise, it can be tempting to avoid tough conversations altogether. However, sidestepping issues often allows tension to build, creating deeper divisions. Instead, approaching difficult topics with openness can invite dialogue rather than defensiveness. Framing the discussion in a way that fosters understanding—rather than alienation—helps establish common ground, making it easier to navigate challenges together.
FRAMING SHAPES RESPONSE
The way you present a topic influences how others engage with it. A productive conversation begins with an invitation to collaborate, rather than blame, accusations, or rigid demands, which can lead to defensiveness and shutdown.
For example, when discussing children's schedules, framing makes all the difference:
Blaming: “I’m so sick of you micro-managing the kids’ schedules.”
Directive: “You’re letting the kids stay up too late; they need to be in bed by 9:00.”
Collaborative: “Let’s talk about how we want to organize the kids’ schedules.”
The last approach encourages teamwork and keeps the conversation open, making it more likely that both perspectives will be heard and considered. Without clearly sharing concerns and actively listening to the other person’s viewpoint, conversations can easily become unproductive arguments about surface-level strategies. Instead, focus on finding out what matters to both people on a deeper level and what might be possible as a result.
SEE THE OTHER PERSON AS A PARTNER
Approach the conversation with the mindset that the other person is a necessary partner in finding a solution—not an opponent to defeat. If tensions are high, choose a moment of relative calm to introduce the topic. Anticipate potential reactions and think about how to respond in ways that keep the conversation moving forward. Practicing different ways to phrase your points can also help ensure clarity and openness. The goal isn’t perfection—it’s engaging with honesty and care.
Consider these examples:
Shutting down dialogue: “Why can’t you talk about this like a normal person?”
Encouraging constructive discussion: “I’d like to talk about how we communicate when we’re both upset.”
A potential follow-up question: “What helps each of us communicate best when we’re having difficult conversations?”
STAYING CURIOUS ABOUT RESISTANCE
If the other person resists the conversation, acknowledge their response and remain curious. Ask about their perspective rather than pushing forward aggressively. For example:
If they dismiss the issue:
“It sounds like you don’t see this as an issue. Is that right? Here’s why it’s important to me...”
If they refuse to talk about it:
“So, it seems like you’re not interested in discussing this right now. Would you be willing to talk a bit about why?”
If they react defensively:
“I get that this is a tricky topic to talk about. I’d really like to understand what matters most to you and let you know what I’m thinking, too. Would you be willing to give that a shot?”
ACKNOWLEDGE COMPLEXITY AND FOSTER COLLABORATION
Conflicts are rarely about a single issue. A discussion about bedtime routines might also touch on homework, screen time, and morning struggles. If multiple issues emerge, acknowledge their connection and then focus on one at a time. For example: “I see how this relates to the morning routine too. How about if we talk first about bedtime, then revisit the morning challenges?”
By framing conflicts as opportunities for understanding rather than battles to win, you lay the foundation for productive collaboration. Let the way you introduce a topic be an invitation—one that encourages curiosity, engagement, and a productive way forward.
About Dana Caspersen
Dana Caspersen, author of the new book Conflict Is an Opportunity: 20 Fundamental Decisions for Navigating Difficult Times, is a conflict engagement specialist, best-selling author, TEDx speaker and award-winning performing artist. She works with individuals, organizations, and communities worldwide as a trainer, coach, consultant, and dialogue designer. Drawing on the knowledge and insight gained from her experience and training as a mediator and conflict analyst, as well as her 40-year career as a performing arts innovator, Dana empowers people and organizations to navigate complex and challenging situations.
About the Book
Bestselling author and conflict specialist Dana Caspersen provides an essential toolkit for constructive change. With no jargon or fluff, Conflict Is an Opportunity illuminates the twenty fundamental decisions made in every conflict. Through practical information and hands-on exercises, Caspersen offers a powerful practice for approaching these decisions mindfully.
Designed by Joost Elffers Books, the cutting-edge production studio behind the huge New York Times bestsellers The 48 Laws of Power, The 33 Strategies of War, and The Art of Seduction, this dynamic guide enables readers to strengthen their capacity to understand the landscape of conflict and take skillful action to move toward constructive change.
Conflict Is an Opportunity equips readers with the means and mindset to navigate the challenges and opportunities of conflict in their personal and professional lives with insight, confidence, and skill.
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