Tough conversations may not be fun, but they don't need to be painful. Emotional intelligence expert Amy Jacobson, author of The Emotional Intelligence Advantage: Mastering Change and Difficult Conversations, offers a step-by-step guide for difficult conversations at work, whether it's with a direct report about a performance improvement plan or a colleague about being late for meetings:
- Ask open questions: Don't make assumptions about the other party's actions or the intentions behind them without asking genuine, non-biased questions first. The easiest question to open with is a simple, "How are you?" Follow with, "How has work been for you lately?" and go from there.
- Listen and pause: Actively listen. This means paying close attention not just to their words, but to the emotions behind them, and not merely waiting for your turn to respond. Pausing gives our bodies a chance to ease out of "fight or flight" mode so we can all think more clearly.
- Be empathetic: Empathy requires removing judgment, but not necessarily putting yourself in the other person's exact shoes. Instead, ask yourself: What emotion are they displaying? When's the last time I felt that way? What are the worst and best things someone could do or say to me in those moments?
- Ask the ultimate question: "How do we fix this?" The we is the keyword here, indicating that you're a team and they party aren't alone. It also forces the other party to acknowledge the issue actually occurred.
- Offer support: Ask them how you can further support them and brainstorm a list of next steps for resolution. This enforces accountability on all sides.
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